Stand By Me
by CoriMariee
Summary: Sully tells Michaela he no longer loves her and leaves their home. When he returns months later, he must choose whether to stand by her in spite of their ruined relationship or to face life alone.
1. Chapter 1

Stand By Me

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.**

Prologue

_I knew you had taken the job. It was not as if you said something, but then again you never do until the night before a trip, as though by not telling me and the children until we can't object, you are somehow saving us some agony and lessening the strength of our forthcoming loneliness., such a thing never does either one. In truth, perhaps you are lessening your own guilt over leaving us in order to appease your own need to provide for the family and protect the land at all costs. I admire you for your conviction concerning the land, but I know that there are things you could do to protect it which would allow you to remain in Colorado Springs. I have even tried to casually hint at this during one of the numerous conversations we have had about your work over the last few years and, yet, you never seemed to understand the depth of what I was saying. _

_I need you here to protect me, to stand by the children and I as you did when we first met and were courting. I do want you to follow your dreams, but you don't seem to understand that it pains me every time you take a job far from home just because you were offered it, even if we could have survived without the money. It seems that now that I am your wife, you feel that I don't need protection any longer. You assume that I am strong enough to handle everything on my own and that you can continue to do as you please confident that your absences from our family are acceptable. _

_I want so badly to tell you that they aren't and I had hoped that, after the reservation uprising four years ago, and Katie's kidnapping almost two years ago that you would have realized that you no longer was a wanderer and that your nature bound spirit would have to find a balance between wanting to do what was right and protecting our family from the consequences of those actions. I am afraid to bring this to your attention, however, because I don't want to make you think that you have to choose between the gifts that the Cheyenne have given you and your life with our family and with me. I am proud of who you are, and have accepted that nature is apart of your spiritual balance but you don't seem to realize that this balance should have altered slightly since we married. To be more honest, I fear that you have realized such a thing, and that you will not or cannot find such a balance, no matter how much you may love the children or I._

_Even though you have repeatedly said that it our marriage is a partnership of souls, I have to wonder whether you really understands what such words meant and still mean to me _

_What should I do? What should I say? I don't love you any less than I did before, in factI love you so much more than when we married; I just have to talk to you about all of this. I just have to convince myself to be brave enough to share with you what I feel._

Michaela put down her pen, satisfied that she had been able to put her thoughts down on paper. Tomorrow she would look over them and decide what she was going to say to Sully before he left. Maybe, she could finally tell him what had been bothering her for almost four years now, and they could work things out before he went on his trip As long as she didn't lose her temper, she would be able to tell the man she loved just how she felt. Maybe she would blush while she did it, but, at least, he would understand what was in her heart, just as he always had been able to when she talked to him. She put the piece of paper in her nightstand drawer and turned over in an attempt to sleep. She was too tired and too saddened by her husband's impeding departure to wait up for him and risk crying more tears over something she couldn't try to change until morning.

Sully came into the bedroom after midnight; he had stayed downstairs as long as he could to avoid having to face Michaela's reaction to his latest job. She had put on a good face for the children when he told him all at dinner, but he knew that she was upset, perhaps more upset about this trip than she ever had been about his other trips before. She had been pulling back from him, they hadn't made love in at least two months and she hadn't even kissed him good morning for the last week and a half. He knew something was wrong and he wanted to mend it. He wanted to remind her that she and the kids were everything to him, she had known that once, but it appeared that she had forgotten…and that frightened him.

In the morning, was going to take want he hoped was the first step in reminding his wife that she was the most important person in his life, he was going to tell her that this would be his last trip, He understood that he had been stupid to think that he could travel like he was. He knew that he wasn't entitled to the solitude he had in his youth, and he had accepted that because he had a family that he loved more than life itself now. Tomorrow, he would tell her how foolish he had been and together, he was sure that they would figure out a way for him to find work closer to home and to be home every night. He hoped that she would give him a second chance and that she would see how much he needed and wanted her presence in his life.

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of her opened nightstand drawer and moved to close it softly, so that he did not wake her. Upon reaching the drawer, he saw that there was a piece of paper sticking out of it and supposed that this had been the object that had caused the drawer to reopen after his wife had closed it. Taking the piece of paper in his hands, he pulled it gently out of the drawer and went to position it, so that that drawer would close correctly. As he did so, the words written in her delicate script caught his eye. He tried not to read it, but the lines that he was unwillingly privy to, as he went to place the note in its proper place, made his heart jump into his throat and his prying eyes scanned the message. It read:

_I knew you had taken the job. It was not as if you said something, but then again you never do until the night before a trip, as though by not telling me and the children until we can't object, you are somehow saving us some agony, and lessening the strength of our forthcoming loneliness, such a thing never does either one. In truth, perhaps you are lessening your own guilt over leaving us in order to appease your own need to provide for the family and protect the land at all costs.. I admire you for your conviction concerning the land, but I know that there are things you could do to protect it which would allow you to remain in Colorado Springs. I have even tried to casually hint at this during one of the numerous conversations we have had about your work over the last few years and, yet, you never seemed to understand the depth of what I was saying. _

_I need you here to protect me, to stand by the children and I as you did when we first met and were courting. I do want you to follow your dreams, but you don't seem to understand that it pains me every time you take a job far from home just because you were offered it, even if we could have survived without the money. It seems that now that I am your wife, you feel that I don't need protection any longer. You assume that I am strong enough to handle everything on my own and that you can continue to do as you please confident that your absences from our family are acceptable. _

_I want so badly to tell you that they aren't and I had hoped that, after the reservation uprising four years ago, and Katie's kidnapping almost two years ago that you would have realized that you no longer was a wanderer and that your nature bound spirit would have to find a balance between wanting to do what was right and protecting our family from the consequences of those actions. I am afraid to bring this to your attention, however, because I don't want to make you think that you have to choose between the gifts that the Cheyenne have given you and your life with our family and with me. I am proud of who you are, and have accepted that nature is apart of your spiritual balance but you don't seem to realize that this balance should have altered slightly since we married. To be more honest, I fear that you have realized such a thing, and that you will not or cannot find such a balance, no matter how much you may love the children or I._

_Even though you have repeatedly said that it our marriage is a partnership of souls, I have to wonder whether you really understands what such words meant and still mean to me _

_What should I do? What should I say? I don't love you_

Unbeknownst to Sully, the end of the note had become lodged underneath one of Michaela's heavy medical journals, and the last few lines of her journal entry now lay at the bottom of the drawer.

He re-read the message at least a dozen times, trying to make sense of what he read, but the only thing that his mind was able to register were the four words penned by his wife at the end of the note.

_**I don't love you**_

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 1 **

"You're going away again! After all the discussion we've had about it, you're going away, again!" Michaela shouted, her eyes cold. Despite her best efforts, Sully's demeanor that morning had caused her to lose her temper.

"I told you, I got to make money. I promised that I'd take care of the family, and that's what I intend to do!" Sully shouted back.

"Taking care of this family implies being here, at least for more than a day at a time. It means that you don't just eat dinner with your children—you actually care about them! I'm surprised Katie even knows who you are anymore…"

"You know I care about the children!" he said, his voice raising another notch, along with the pain that threatened to tear him apart. "It's you who doesn't care anymore!" he added, snidely.

"What do you mean? I love the children! I spend all day with them! And certainly all night…most of the time alone," she shot back, hurt seeping into her tone at his inference that she didn't care about what was important, and possibly about him. She wondered how he could ever think such a thing, considering the way she pined for him when he was gone on long trips; longed for him to hug her, to touch her, to make her believe she was special to him again. She hadn't felt special in a very long time. Even the last time they'd been together as husband and wife had been more mechanical, more reflexive than romantic, more desperate than loving. She sensed that both of them were fighting desperately to hold onto something that was slipping away. She had hoped to begin to mend the problem this morning, and had braved her nerves enough to even attempt to tell Sully what she had written in the journal entry the night before, but he had been distant, as distant as a stranger, and she knew something was wrong.

By the look on her face, Sully knew that she was revisiting the last night that they had spent together and the time they had spent avoiding each other's hearts and bodies since then. He too had thought about all of it many a time during the last few months, and as his mind drifted to over all of it once again, he knew without really admitting it to himself that there was a distance between them, a distance which seemed insurmountable and that, truth be told, he blamed himself for, even more than his wife blamed him for it. He loved her; he knew it. He loved her sometimes more than life itself, but he had been beginning to really believe that she didn't love him and her letter the night before had been proof of it. Now, he only wondered when she would give it to him and he was frustrated that she seemed to holding it back, though waiting for the perfect moment in which to shatter his heart. He had to protect himself from getting hurt again!

"You know maybe if you'd married William, and lived in Boston where your ma wanted you to, you wouldn't be so lonely, huh? You'd have a husband with the perfect job, all the money you could ever want, and you'd have someone there every night to do exactly what you wanted. You'd have someone there who loved you, cause I don't!" he shouted coldly.

Michaela's heart stopped. She was sure that if she'd had her stethoscope with her at the moment she could have pronounced her own death with certainty and for a moment after her heart had started its regular rhythm again she still couldn't speak. Pain shot through her so deeply that she thought it would kill her. It hurt so much that had she not allowed anger to take the place of the agony, she would have collapsed on the homestead floor. Try as she might to voice this newfound anger, however, the first words that came from her soul and lips were still tinged with tears.

"You don't love me?" she accused, attempting to shout, but failing miserably, that last syllables of her sentence coming out as a squeak rather than an accusation.

Sully's soul cracked in two at that moment. Until that second, he hadn't realized the magnitude of the words he had just used, and he knew immediately that although he hadn't meant them, and never would, he couldn't take them back now—not when he was so angry and so afraid of hearing those words directed at him.

"That's right, I don't!" he yelled, before falling silent in order to hide the fact that he could not continue with the charade past those words.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949 I also want to give credit where credit is due and say that though I wrote this story myself, I have read so much DQMW fanfiction in the last few months that I feel my ideas were certainly influenced by the wonderful other fanfiction writers who write about the show as well, particularly Judith A and Becky Harkness who blazed a trail through the idea of an unhappy Mike and Sully! Thanks and enjoy!  
_Corinna  



	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Michaela's entire world crumbled. She hadn't been feeling well that morning, hadn't felt herself for a few weeks in fact; but she had brushed the slight illness off as the physical manifestation of the stress and tension between her and Sully. Now the symptoms returned with a vengeance, and she had to turn away from him to keep him from seeing the nausea and lightheadedness that assailed her. It was as if her body itself was protesting the disillusion of a love she never dreamed would end.

Sully had seen the pain etched in his wife's face the moment before, and was going to take all that he had said back that very instant, but she had turned away from him. She had turned away their argument, just as she had done many years ago during their courtship when she had discovered that Catherine had kissed him. The pain of that instance mingled with the intense agony of this one, and he made a decision.

Turning his back to her, he climbed the stairs two at a time and quickly reached the bedroom he shared with his wife Instead of turning the doorknob and going in however, he slammed the door open with his fist, pushing it so hard that it hit the wall behind it with an earth shattering thud and nearly broke off it's hinges. He then stormed toward the bed and upon reaching it, removed his travel pouch from around the bedpost, and spilled its contents onto the bed. Turning, he opened the closet and removed all of his shirts, socks, pairs of buckskin pants, boots and moccasins, leaving they suits he'd worn for her behind as the only thing left of him in the wardrobe they shared. Facing the bed again, he placed the clothing in the pouch, When he finished, he moved to close the wardrobe doors, but decided to instead, leave the closet open so that Michaela could see his choice to remove his clothing, and essentially himself, from the most private space they shared. Satisfied that he'd made his point, he left the room, knowing that his next task would not cause him to feel anything but agony.

Crossing the hall, he quietly opened the door to his daughter's bedroom. Six-year-old Katie looked up at him with wide, tear-filled eyes. She had woken up that morning to the sound of her parents shouting, but was too frightened to call out to them and had missed school as a result, it had seemed as though they were too angry to remember school, or her, for that matter. Now as her papa sat quietly in front of her, she could tell that something was wrong, and that whatever was wrong would take a long time to fix.

"Papa, I heard you and mama yellin' downstairs. She sounded real angry, and so did you, what's wrong?"

Sully gazed at his daughter for a moment before speaking. He loved their older children very much, but Katie was the image of everything he loved about Michaela and their life together, she had been created from the connection that they continued to share with one another.

At this thought, he stopped himself for a moment. He had thought of that connection in the present tense, and the slip made his heart twist with guilt because he knew that right now, his wife was downstairs heartbroken, and that she would sob herself to sleep tonight, and every night for a very long time because of the lie he had told her to protect himself.

Katie's small hand on his arm startled him out of his reverie, and he turned back to his precious, little girl, whose cheeks were now tear-stained, and whose fingers had gripped into his arm with an intensity and possessiveness that rendered him unable to speak for a moment.

"Papa" she cried plaintively, forgetting the question she'd asked him and merely needing to be held.

Sensing her need and recognizing the one in his own soul, Sully drew his daughter close, her small head coming to rest on his shoulder and her body tucked against his chest, as though she were a newborn. Once she was comfortable, both father and daughter took a moment to cry out their mutual pain in each other's arms.

As the minutes went by, however, Sully began to realize that the longer he was with their daughter, the better the chance that Michaela would come to speak with him and he knew they couldn't fight in front of Katie, he felt badly enough that she'd heard them yelling downstairs. He had to leave!

Swallowing hard, he tried to regain as much composure as he could before speaking, but was unsuccessful at completely erasing the tears from his voice as he said, "Mama and I love you very much, Sweet Girl. I gotta go away now, but I'll be back to see you—I promise."

At his words, Katie began sobbing in earnest.

"Papa, don't go! No! Don't leave Matthew, Colleen, Brian, and me! And Papa, don't leave Mama! Say you're sorry. She'll understand."

Sully pulled back and looked into his daughter's eyes. His heart was breaking, and he knew that if he didn't leave now, he never would. He disentangled himself from his daughter's embrace, and stood up from the bed.

"I gotta go now, Katie. I gotta go, Sweet Girl. I'll see you later. I love you."

Now, Katie was crying almost too hard to speak, but she managed to say, "I love you too, Papa," before her tears overwhelmed her.

The sounds of his daughter's pain were too much for Sully to bear. He quickly made his way to the stairs, and carefully surveyed the top floor, as though committing it to memory. Then climbing down the staircase, he walked to the door, not pausing to look back at his wife whose position had remained unchanged, opened it and beckoned Wolf to follow before shutting it definitely behind him.

The minute the door closed behind her husband, Michaela's world went black, and she collapsed to the floor.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Sully stood at the bank of a stream deep in the Colorado woods. He didn't know where he was exactly, the only thing he knew was that he was still in Colorado, and that he was still away from Michaela. It had been four months since he left the homestead; four months of pure agony. He could still remember as clearly as if it were yesterday his actions once he had closed the door on his entire life. He had gathered his horse, threw the saddle over his mount, and placed his travel pouch on the horn of that saddle. Finishing this task, he had turned back around to face the house, gazing at it through both the eyes of its builder and of a stranger to its meaning and purpose. Looking so intently at it, he realized how acutely appropriate those terms were to describe his situation. He allowed himself to shed one tear as he bid the house that he had created from love goodbye. He then climbed on his horse and made his way to town. He knew that Brian was still in school, and thus he knew he wouldn't be able to say goodbye to his son the way he had to his daughter. Matthew was out of town on legal business, and would never know that the man whom he was beginning to consider his father was gone. Colleen and Andrew too were out of town. They were belatedly celebrating their anniversary and taking advantage of a late May heat wave which seemed to make the Colorado landscape just warm enough to keep people healthy, and just cool enough to avoid causing Colorado's citizens to suffer from heat stroke, and other ailments consistent with unseasonably warm temperatures. With a pang Sully realized that the only one of his children that would know why he was gone was too young to explain what she had heard in a way that her siblings would understand and believe. The three older children would be shocked at his behavior, he knew that. He also feared that they would feel betrayed, and ultimately resentful towards him, a possibility that caused him almost as much pain as his separation from Michaela had and would.

Sully snapped himself out of his memory with a violent shiver, caused more by the chilling of his soul at the recollection of his betrayal of his children than by the breeze that blew on this September day. Sully stood, desiring to relieve the cramps that had plagued his legs for the last hour as he sat in contemplation of his current and future life. He bent down at the stream's edge, and cupped his hands below the surface of its cool waters, slowly raising them, and drinking the cool water that filled his open palms. He partook of the water thirstily, fully aware that his thirst was not the kind that could be quenched by any liquid, it was a thirst for peace, for reconnection, and for the healing touch of the spirits, or perhaps more truthfully the touch of his children and his heartsong.

Finally growing tired of filling his empty soul through the satiation of his stomach with water, he turned to leave the stream and retreat back into the woods and the lean-to that he built upon arriving in this part of the woods four months ago. He did not turn quickly enough however, and he caught his reflection in the stream's clear surface. What he saw frightened him. His eyes were bloodshot form lack of sleep. His cheeks were puffy from months of heavy tears, and wrinkles caressed his chin and jaw bones in a way that made him look like an old man—a man who'd seen far too much, and lost too many to ever be happy again. At this realization he nodded his head, and recognized the reflection for what it was: a true picture of the person he'd now become.

* * *

Michaela stood in the master bedroom gazing into the full-length mirror. She first took in the mirror reflection of her face that stared back at her. After Katie's birth she had begun to look older—she knew it as surely as she knew that she was a doctor. She was older, and less beautiful—at least in her own mind—although Sully had never said so. Sully had said that she grew more beautiful with time. Sully always said…. She felt tears threaten to mar her already weathered cheeks once again. He had said that he didn't love her. Her one, true love—the man who taught her to trust and be vulnerable—had torn her heart to pieces with his statement shortly before he left their home. She would never love another; of that she was already certain. It wasn't that she was worried about trusting someone else, although she knew she would never be able to do that in quite the same way again, no, it was something more profound than that. As she looked into her own eyes in the mirror, she noticed that the glimmer they once held was gone and realized with resignation that she would never love again, because Sully had taken her soul with him when he had gone; and she knew without a second thought that she would never have it back. Just as he once said that his heart was hers, her heart was his, as was her very essence; and so she realized that it was no use looking at her own face in the mirror, because it was never going to be whole again. Without the magic in her eyes, born of her love for Sully, her reflection would be forever altered, and broken.

Resigning herself to this, she moved to survey the rest of her changing figure. Her eyes traveled to her distended abdomen. Absentmindedly she caressed the mound which had begun to appear just days after Sully's departure. She had known that her nausea and lightheadedness meant something, but she never dreamed, not even in the farthest reaches of her imagination, that she was pregnant; and still she struggled with the reality of it all. She couldn't understand, couldn't even fathom why God would give her and Sully a baby at such a volatile and painful time in their relationship. Relationship…she wondered again, as she had every minute of every day since he had slammed the door to the homestead whether they ever really had one, or whether all that she remembered was a dream, a dream turned nightmare. Now, she also wondered for what also seemed like the millionth time whether this baby would have any relationship with its father. The thought brought tears to her eyes again, and she struggled to squash it so that another morning would not be spent sobbing in front of the mirror. She knew that her pain was not good for her child; and even though by some miracle she had made it passed the typical period within which a woman miscarries, she worried almost every day about the possibility that she would lose this baby, and thus lose any chance of another connection to Sully besides Katie.

'Katie," she sighed. Her beautiful little girl wasn't speaking to her. About a half an hour after Sully left the homestead, Michaela had awoken on the living room floor. She had woken not by her own volition, for were it her choice she would have remained in oblivion forever so as to escape the loss of the person she loved most in the world, but Katie had had other ideas. Before Michaela could fully rouse herself out of the faint which had caused her position, she felt Katie's punches hitting her in the cheeks and chest. The punches weren't hard, but they had hurt, mostly because the little girl she loved with all of her being was inflicting them.

"_I hate you, Mama!" Katie was saying, over and over, her voice filled with anger. "I hate you so much! I'll never forgive you!" Katie's tone remained strident, even though she was sobbing more intensely than Michaela had ever seen her do before._

_Thinking back on it now, her daughter's words were every bit the sentiments of the little girl's own father, and Michaela couldn't help but cringe as she listened to them, remembering that Sully had essentially said the same thing to her before she had taken leave of her senses._

"_Katie…" she had cried, hoping to curb the child's tirade._

"_I'm not your Katie!" the little girl had shouted through her tears. "I'm not your little girl! You're not my Mama! Not anymore! Papa left forever 'cuz of you,and he's never comin' back! I hate you."_

_Stunned at the harshness of Katie's words, Michaela recalled that it had taken her a moment before she was able to speak._

"_Katie, Honey, Mama loves you. Come here, Sweetheart. I know you heard some very loud yelling, and I know Papa's gone…but he'll be back…to see you. And I love you so very much, Dear. It will be alright." Michaela recalled that Katie had pondered her words for a moment before replying._

"_You did this Mama. You're mean. Papa went away 'cuz you're mean. And he doesn't love you or me 'cuz you yelled. I'm gonna tell Brian to take me away. I'll find Papa. And I'll go live with him, and help the Indians, and never come back, and never come home."_

Katie's hatred had made Michaela sob openly in front of her daughter; but Katie hadn't reacted. The little girl blamed her for everything, and she knew without thinking that Sully had not told Katie how to feel or even what happened. Katie's anger now was based solely on what she had heard and understood. The little girl had passed her own judgment, and sentenced Michaela to be forever banished from her heart. At the time Michaela had consoled herself with the knowledge that six-year-olds were apt to hate something one minute, and love it with all their heart the next; she had thought that this would mean Katie would forgive her by the end of the week.

As the weeks dragged on, though, Michaela began to realize that the little girl was holding steadfast to her convictions and her assessment of blame—a sense of blame Michaela couldn't even shake form her own heart. She'd lost her husband and her daughter, and her reflection save her protruding stomach showed her to be as alone as she felt. In fact, as she traced her finger along her form in the mirror she noticed off to the side of it a large crack in the clear glass, a crack that had always been hidden by Sully's reflection in the mirror. She suspected that if she had looked close enough, she might have been able to find it even when he had stood beside her; but because Sully had been standing by her, her eyes and heart had been focused on him. The mirror had not mattered. Now all she wished was that he was standing by her, once more, covering up the fracture in the glass, and the crevice in her life.

* * *

_ Please review and let me know if the storyline and characters are behaving in interesting and yet valid ways consistant with the character and development of the story and show._

_Thanks, Corinna _


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Sully stood at the edge of Colorado Spring debating what his next action would be. It had been two months since he stood at the river's edge and taken his reflection and the current state of affairs between he and Michaela. He shuddered as he realized that he no longer thought of her as his wife. This was not because he desired to dissolve the marriage but because he feared that he would have no choice in the matter. By now, he thought that Michaela would have had Matthew draw up the papers, and that any arrival or any visit he would choose to make to the homestead would be greeted with warm hugs form the children and the end of his marriage. He supposed that he was putting off the trip out to his home because of some deep denial, denial which still allowed him to believe that as long as he stayed away from Michaela they would be married, and he wouldn't have to face the pain of losing her.

He knew in his heart of hearts that he needed to see his children, regardless of what an attempt to see them would mean for his marriage. He had missed out on six months of their lives; six months he couldn't get back. He knew that from experience when he was in hiding from the army he missed out on six months of time with his family; six months of watching Katie change from a baby to a toddler, and six months of watching his other children grow into adults. That time he had had no choice in the matter, but this time he had made the choice to leave his family, and he knew that no matter what forgiveness he was granted, his children would remember that they had been abandoned. He had sent them telegrams each month asking how they were and telling them that he loved and missed them. They sent a few back; one was Matthew saying that he had set up his law office in town, and had already garnered a few clients. Colleen had written that she and Andrew were well, that she missed him, Sully—her Pa—and that she wished he would come home to her, to Brian, to Katie, and even to Matthew, but especially to her Ma. Sully had cried reading that telegram. He had known that Colleen was telling the truth when she had said that all of them needed him; all of them had always needed him, especially Michaela.

He had received a little more than a few sentences from Brian and Katie. Brian had detailed his decision to move back to Colorado Springs from Boston, and to continue his studies in journalism in the back of the school house, as he'd been doing over the summer when Sully left. He said that he was angry at Sully for leaving; said he didn't know how a man he had looked up to for so long could abandoned his family, but that the boy guessed it was easy, since he'd done it before. Brian's words had wounded him deeply, but what had brought him back to Colorado Springs was Katie's one line telegram that he was sure she had insisted upon writing out for Horace herself.

It read,

I hate Mama. Please come home. I love you.

Upon receiving the letter he had known without a shadow of a doubt that he had to return to Colorado Springs. Michaela did not deserve the hatred of the little girl who had been created through her parents' profound love. Michaela loved their daughter with all that she possessed. She loved all their children that way…she loved him that way. This realization had spurred Sully to action. He had rode all week from the town he had settled in after he had decided to leave the woods about a week after his experience at the stream. Now he was home again.

He just had to find out if his home would want him to be there.

* * *

Michaela stood in the clinic and glanced around at the familiar scenery, as if trying to memorize it. This was her last day of work before the baby would be born, and she dreaded leaving the building and the sense of escape that going to work every day had brought her since her husband's departure. Without this distraction she would be free to be alone and be lonely, although she realized with a sigh, she was always lonely these days. 

The children had tried to comfort her and spend as much time with her as they could, even Colleen, who was married now, spent time with her mother every day; and Matthew would check in at least once a week, asking if she needed anything, or if she wanted to talk. Most of the time she said no, although there were a few occasions when her grief had overwhelmed her, and she had sobbed her pain onto her oldest son's shoulder while Matthew held his mother, praying that Sully would return and that the stress of his absence would not affect his unborn sibling.

Now as Michaela moved to close the clinic door for what would be the last time for three months (Andrew would care for her patients), she felt an emptiness in her heart that she feared would draw her in, and swallow her whole.

The clinic door closed behind her, and Michaela stepped out into the street. She would have to pick up Katie from Dorothy, and check and see whether Brian wanted a ride out to the homestead before driving home herself. She would then feed Katie before heading to bed. Though it was only early afternoon, she knew that these tasks would take more energy and time now that she was in the last stages of pregnancy. Without Sully's help and support the tasks seemed to drag on forever.

Michaela turned and prepared to walk down the way to Katie and Dorothy at The Gazette, but as she turned someone grabbed her shoulder gently and stopped her movement. For a moment, she believed wholeheartedly that it was Sully, and though he'd been gone for almost eight months, she would have melted in his arms in an instant if he had let her. She was startled out of her longings by a familiar and wholly unwanted voice.

"Michaela, how nice to see you again. How are you feeling? Is there anything I can get you?", Charles Gregory queried, leaving his hand on the doctor's shoulder for much longer than she would have ever cared him to, that is, if she had wanted him to touch her at all.

"Mr. Gregory, I thank you for your concern, but I'm fine. I also seem to remember that I have asked you not to inquire after me on several occasions and I would prefer if you refrain from touching me as well. I'm a married woman with a child on the way, and I love my husband very much, whether he is here or not. I carry his child—what more proof do you need that I am not interested in your advances?" Michaela's eyes were cold, but inside she quaked with fear. Mr. Gregory had been seeking her out and being overly affectionate for months now and she wondered whether he would ever accept that 'no' meant 'no.'

All the townspeople had encouraged Mr. Gregory, to some extent even Dorothy. Everyone thought Sully was gone for good and they kept telling Michaela that no matter how much it pained her, she would have to find a father along with a defensible wedding band before her child was born. Michaela's Boston upbringing also suggested such things to her. After all, she could not rightly claim that she was a widow, although she might be for all she knew, and with the town growing as fast as it was, she didn't want to ruin her status as a reputable physician because of her present situation, yet she could not fathom being married to or loving anyone as much as Sully, even after all this time, especially not Mr. Gregory.

"I was only trying to provide you with an opportunity to be seen about town with a respectable man, Dr. Quinn, but since you seem to share your husband's taste for impropriety, I shall no longer try and make you appear to be anything better than what you are, a husbandless whore." With that Mr. Gregory removed his hand from Michaela's shoulder, replaced a hat that had fallen off of his head during the exchange, and walked off the clinic porch. His slim and slimy looking frame slithered down the street, his hat once again blowing off and exposing black hair that even in her shock over his epithet, made Michaela laugh. It looked greasy and was clearly dyed, however he had missed one streak of grey hair. The resulting hair colors made him look like a cross between a snake and a skunk. Michaela's sense of humor was soon tempered by the knowledge that Mr. Gregory had called her a 'whore' loud enough for the entire town to hear. How she wished Sully were here! With that thought in mind, she sank her heavy frame down onto the clinic bench and wept.

* * *

_ Please review and let me know if the storyline and characters are behaving in interesting and yet valid ways consistant with the character and development of the story and show._

_Thanks, Corinna _


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Sully couldn't believe what he had seen. His heart was pounding and tears were slowly falling down his cheeks. He had walked into town earlier that day hoping to catch Michaela at the clinic, but as he neared the building he had seen Michaela standing with a man, a man who had addressed her by her first name and whose hand was on her shoulder. Sully had quickly ducked behind a passing wagon and made his way to the porch of the saloon. Michaela was so involved in her conversation that she failed to notice him as he watched the exchange with pain in his eyes.

He had seen the gentleman put his hand on her shoulder, caressing it ever so gently, and he had seen how intently she had spoken to the man, but even then he refused to believe that anything was amiss, that was until he took in the sight of his wife fully and completely. As she turned to more directly face the man during their conversation, he saw that she was pregnant and very near her time. The sight of his wife in this condition crushed him beyond belief. In his absence she had quickly replaced him just as he thought she might once he was gone. Her pregnancy proved that he was wise to have said that he didn't love her first; it was obvious now that she didn't love him, and never would again. Feeling gripped by a despair stronger than even that which held him after Abigail and Hannah died, he ran as quickly as he could out of town not caring who saw him.

* * *

"Dr. Mike, Dr. Mike!" Grace was hurrying from the café as fast as she could, forgetting for a moment her busy restaurant filled to the brim with customers. 

Michaela rubbed her red-rimmed eyes just in time to see Grace scurrying towards her. "Grace, what is it?" she exclaimed, rising as quickly as she could from the bench.

"I just saw Sully running out of town and I figured you'd want to know. Dr. Mike you have to catch him. Dorothy and I knew he'd come back despite what we told you; and we both have seen how miserable you've been. This sadness isn't good for you or the baby. Go find him, please, for me."

Michaela stood in shock a moment, unsure of what to say. "Sully," she murmured, unable to fathom that he was once again back in town and back in her life. She had lain night after night stroking her belly, feeling the baby kick, and wishing he could be there to feel it with her to rub her tired muscles and stretching skin, just as he had done when she had been pregnant with Katie. She had felt unimaginable despair, anger, and fear over the past eight months and in one sense, those feelings had been amplified twofold. "He's here?" she asked Grace, still unable to understand what her close friend was telling her.

"He is, and it ain't right for him to leave you, or the children. Go find him, Dr. Mike, and tell him that we all think he doesn't know what he's missin'. " With that Grace stepped forward to warmly embrace her friend for a moment. Wrapped tightly in Grace's hug, Michaela began to shake, first slightly, then more violently. Sobs made their way from Michaela's mouth and echoed loud enough for the town to know that their doctor was in pain, a pain only a miracle could cure.

After several moments Grace began to wonder whether her friend was truly strong enough to make the journey to search for Sully. Grace pulled back from the tight embrace and asked, "Dr. Mike, are you sure you're fit to do this alone? I could have Robert E. go out to the homestead and fetch Brian, and he could go with ya. Maybe that would be for the best."

At this suggestion Michaela shook her head emphatically. "No…no, I have to find Sully myself. I have to tell him about the baby and find out why it is that he no longer loves me," she said, another tear escaping her eyes.

"Alright Dr. Mike, but you be careful. I know the baby isn't due to come for another few weeks, but if you can't find him close to home, come back. You ain't in any condition to be traveling far, unless you want another baby born under a tree that is." Grace chuckled at her own joke, but Michaela just nodded and stepped off the clinic porch. She slowly heaved herself into the wagon seat and clicked the reigns; assuming Sully was near town, they would be back before she had to pick up Katie or Brian from town.

* * *

Sully sat amid the remnants of the campsite that he used before he and Michaela were married. His lean-to was now gone, even the poles that had formed the support of the structure were nowhere to be found. He thought to himself that if he desired to sleep here, he probably should build another one to protect himself from the wind on this January afternoon. He just couldn't bring himself to do it though. Doing this would mean erasing a piece of the site where he proposed to Michaela, and in a sense, erasing a part of his connection to her. He couldn't let go of that now, not when he knew for sure and for certain that he would never again be with her, hold her, comfort her, or even be allowed to love her in any sense. She was carrying another man's child. The thought of it made him want to die. As it was, his head was splitting with a migraine, similar to the one he'd had the night before he had proposed to his now estranged wife, and he could barely move. Overwhelmed by his pain, Sully simply lay down and slipped into unconsciousness.

* * *

Sully was startled awake by a noise that at first seemed to him to be something out of a dream. It sounded primal and yet vulnerable and lost. He couldn't place the sound, but somehow instinctively knew that he had heard it before. It tugged at his soul with an urgency that forced him fully from sleep. He was surprised to find that his migraine had dissipated and now remained only as a slight throbbing in the back of his head. He could see that the day was still bright and was relieved further to discover that his sensitivity to light had disappeared. All thoughts of his good fortune vanished though, when he heard the scream again. He quickly brushed the leaves and dirt as best he could from his clothing and stood, all the while trying to pinpoint from which direction the sound was coming.

* * *

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Michaela couldn't believe this was happening. "Not again, " she muttered under her breath as the contraction continued. Katie had been born in the wilderness, and one baby born far from town was quite enough, especially without Sully there to offer comfort, support, and help. 

As the contraction abated, Michaela took in her surroundings. She knew that she was too far from town to make it back on her own and that she probably wouldn't be able to make it back, even with help, before her water broke and intense labor set in. She realized too that she was near Sully's old campsite and hoped that the space between contractions would be enough for her to make her way there without the pain overwhelming her. As she contemplated laboring and delivering on her own, she whispered almost too low for even she to know that she'd spoken, "Oh Sully, where are you?"

* * *

Sully continued to follow the scream as best he could, although the actual sound of it had long since faded away. The pain behind it was too intense for him to ignore. Something in his heart told him that he had to find the cause of the noise and perhaps bring whatever had made it some assistance. Just then, he heard it again, louder this time and closer. His heart jumped when he realized that it was a human scream, a scream which signaled that someone was in great pain. As he cautiously approached the sound, he wished again that Michaela were with him. She would know what to do. She was a skilled physician and a great healer, of both body and soul. In fact, her healing abilities were one of the things that had made him fall in love with her in the first place. As he neared the sound, he whispered her name, "Michaela…"

* * *

Michaela struggled against the pain of another biting contraction, her body completely tense, and her head dizzy from lack of air. She chided herself for forgetting to breathe, but she couldn't help it. Her first instinct when she was in pain was to tighten herself into a tiny ball, and to stop her own intake of air—two things which made laboring on her own that much more difficult. As the pain subsided, and she gasped for air, she realized that someone had called her name. Looking around, she again registered that there was no one to be seen, and shook her head at the force of her own desires; she was hearing things now. As she thought back on the voice she had heard, she realized with even more pain that the voice was Sully's, and that it hadn't come from around her, but from within her instead. This intensified her fear and loneliness, and as the next contraction began, she sobbed rather than screamed. 

Sully carefully neared the noise and discovered that the screams had turned into sobs—a change which frightened him all the more for the person in pain. As he made his way around the last corner and out from behind the brush separating him from the person, his breath caught in his throat.

* * *

_ Please review and let me know if the storyline and characters are behaving in interesting and yet valid ways consistant with the character and development of the story and show._

_Thanks, Corinna _


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"Michaela!" he exclaimed, totally unprepared for the sight of his wife barely sitting up in the small clearing. Her forehead shone with light perspiration, and she was leaning forward intently, her arm dropped protectively around her stomach. Even before he had called out to her, he could tell she was in labor, although by his estimation, she had not been that way for long, since the screams her had heard were far enough apart to match how she behaved the first few hours in the woods when they had Katie.

"Sully?" she said, panting a little,.

"Yeah, it's me. Are you alright, Michaela?"

"Oh, Sully, I'm so glad to see you. I was coming to look for you, and all of a sudden I had a contraction. I didn't know, I didn't have any warning."

"That's okay," he said, gently, surprising even himself with the depth of love that he felt for his wife at that moment. He had to remind himself that this wasn't his baby in order to keep himself from taking her into his arms, and never letting go. "We should get you back to town, to the clinic; Andrew'll take care of you."

"It's too late. Sully, please help me," she said, barely able to squeak out the words before another contraction hit.

Sully watched in pain as she doubled over, clutching her stomach and yelling as loud as her small body could. She was obviously in agony, and he couldn't let her struggle alone. Casting aside all notions of propriety and momentarily putting his pain at not being the baby's father in the back of his mind, he positioned himself behind her, and instinctively she leaned against him.

Though she continued to cry throughout the contraction, the feeling of Sully's body behind her own gave her the sense of security that she been longing for since the afternoon's ordeal began. As the contraction ended, she breathlessly uttered, "Thank you," and a second later she added, "Hold me."

"Michaela, I can't do that—not with you in the middle of giving birth to another man's child," he said sadly, refusing his body's urge to put his arms around her and ease her pain, as she had asked.

"It's true, then…you don't love me," she sobbed, not really listening to the reason behind Sully's refusal.

"No I d…" he started to say, but then thought better of it, considering her present situation. Now was not the time to lie to her, even if doing so would protect him from incredible hurt. "I do love you, Michaela. I always will. But, you're having another man's child! You love him now. We can't be together—you know that."

"Another man's child!" the meaning of these words finally registered with Michaela. The first time he had uttered them she wasn't sure that she heard him correctly, but now that he'd uttered them again, she could not deny the truth about what he thought of her.

"Yes! Another man's child," he said, his eyes filling with tears at having to continue to repeat those words to her.

"No! No, Sully," she sobbed, "you have it all wrong. The baby … ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh …ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" she cried, as another contraction hit. Before the pain kept her from speaking, she begged, "Sully…my back…please hold me."

"Michaela," he began, but then thought better of it, and did as she asked, wrapping his arms gently above her contracting belly. As he did this, she felt her body relax, though it was still battling the contractions, he knew his simple act had at least momentarily relieved some of her pain.

As the contraction eased into nothingness, Michaela managed to finish the sentence that she had fought so hard to complete before the pain had gripped her. "It's yours," she said, panting.

It took a minute for Sully to realize the meaning of his wife's words, as he had been so focused on helping her weather the contraction that he had almost forgotten about the sentence she had begun to utter shortly before. Now the reality of her words hit him full-force. "The baby's mine? But…how? When?" Sully chided himself for not being able to contain his queries to a single question at a time like this, but he was too excited and unsure to check his own thoughts as they tumbled from him.

But Michaela wasn't listening to any of his questions. Sully hadn't noticed, but his wife was still gasping for air even though the contraction had long since past. She felt her body spinning out of control, and she panicked as she realized that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't breathe.

After a time, Sully realized that his questions weren't garnering any answers from Michaela, and he looked down to see her gasping for air in a haphazard fashion. Though she was breathing deeply, she was doing it far too quickly for his comfort. As he leaned forward to ask her if she was alright, he saw the panic in her eyes and knew that the symptoms were as terrifying for her as they were for him. "Oh God, Michaela, what's wrong?" he shouted, letting his worry increase his volume in a way he had not intended.

"I… don't… know!" she said, each word separated by a large gulp of air, air which seemed to bring no peace to Michaela's body or mind.

"Your medical bag!" he said panicked. "Where is it?"

"I…n…the…wag…on," she said, her breathing further spacing the syllables from one another as the panic increased within both husband and wife.

Sully got up from behind Michaela, and raced toward the wagon, which he could see parked a few yards away from where they sat. Once he reached it, he quickly grabbed the medical bag from the front seat and raced back to his wife. With determination, he opened the bag and removed his wife's stethoscope. As he went to use it, however, his confidence failed as he realized that even if he'd placed it to her chest, he wouldn't know what to listen for or even how to use it. For the first time, the fear that he would lose Michaela and the baby she said he fathered, assailed him. This feeling of dread threatened to overwhelm him like water around a drowning man, but he refused to lose his calm completely. Instead, he dropped the stethoscope, and looked at Michaela, who was still in the same condition, although from the screams he'd heard in between her gasps he knew she had endured another contraction while he had been retrieving her medical bag.

As he tried to figure out someway to help his wife, he remembered the words that his friend Cloud Dancing had said to her shortly before they had spent the night at his camp before he proposed. He had had the migraine, and Michaela had insisted upon staying with him, but after hours of treatments, none of her medicine had proved affective to treat his pain. Despite this, she had stood by him and vowed to care for him, the next morning, she had revealed Cloud Dancing's belief that when medicine didn't work, it was because the person was out of balance, and that medicine must treat the whole person if it is to be successful. Suddenly, Sully understood what was wrong with his wife. He slowly slid behind her again, and gathered up the courage to guide her through this ordeal and all that was to come.

"Michaela," he said. "Michaela, you're hyperventilating."

Michaela turned frightened eyes on her husband as she continued to gasp.

Undaunted, Sully said to her gently but firmly, "All of this has been overwhelming, but I'm here now, and I'm not leaving again. Ever. I love you…and the children, including the one that's coming. And I'll always be here for you, but we gotta get through this. A little one is dependin' on both of us to ensure its safe arrival, and we gotta keep that promise. Now concentrate on breathing slowly; I'll do it with ya. No matter what else happens, even a contraction, just concentrate on breathing slowly, in and out." He paused to breathe along with his wife. "That's it," he said as she tried to do as he suggested. "In and out, I'm right here."

Michaela did as she was told, and the hyperventilation episode slowly abated.

For the next several hours the couple talked about old memories, and though each was still unsure of the other's love, they tried to put that aside for the moment, and concentrate on what was happening. Sully had decided soon after Michaela had stopped hyperventilating that they needed to move her to the campsite in order to provide enough warmth for her and eventually the baby, as night fell. At the campsite Sully would be able to construct a lean-to, and make use of the fire pit to keep out of the chill of the January night. Once settled at the campsite, Sully positioned himself and Michaela under the lean-to he had rebuilt, and waited for the next contractions. When they did come, Sully did his best to comfort his wife, who alternated between sobbing and screaming, much as she had done during Katie's birth, and yet there was a distinct difference between that birth and the one they were embarking upon now. Not once in the nearly twelve hours she had been laboring did Michaela ever ask Sully to let go of her, to stop holding her, or cuddling her close. Even when the contractions were at their peak, all she wanted was her husband's reassuring embrace. Though Sully found this comforting, he also found it to be amazing considering all the hurt he had caused her. "Perhaps," he thought to himself, "this is her way of ensuring I won't leave." The thought humbled him, and as she cried out during another contraction, he cuddled her closer and kissed the top of her head.

* * *

_Please review and let me know if the storyline and characters are behaving in interesting and yet valid ways consistant with the character and development of the story and show._

_Thanks, Corinna _


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Sully it hurts!" Michaela screamed, fighting off the agony that was the peak of the contraction she was experiencing.

"I know it does Michaela, just breathe," Sully said, coaching her with his own breathing.

"I am breathing and it still hurts," she sobbed. "Just make the pain go away!"

Sully didn't know what the do. Michela seemed to be in more pain than when Katie was born and he was at a loss as to why. He knew that every labor progressed uniquely, but he was worried. This labor didn't seem to be moving forward and after what he had told Michaela all those months ago, he couldn't bare to be the cause of any more of her pain.

"OW! OW! OW!' Michaela panted. "Make it stop. Sully, make it stop."

"You're doing it Michaela. You can do this, just a little while longer," Sully encouraged.

"You don't know that, it could be forever. I could die here. The baby could die," she cried, voicing her biggest fears.

"Don't go thinkin' that. We've done this once before and we can do it again. You're the strongest woman I know," Sully reassured her while continuing to hold her close.

"I can't do this. I really can't. It hurts too much!" Michaela shouted as another contraction started immediately on the heels of the last one.

"The contractions are getting close together," Sully reminded her over her scream. "You're going to have to push soon and then it will all be over."

"I HAVE TO PUSH NOW!" she cried suddenly, catching Sully off guard and frightening him to his core with the pain in her voice.

"Now? Are you sure?" he asked, more out of reactionary habit than real doubt.

As an answer, Michaela began to bear down on the contraction, pushing with all of her might. Seeing this Sully was at a loss. He didn't know whether to keep supporting his wife as she pushed or whether to kneel in front of her to monitor her progress in giving birth to their son or daughter. Michaela's next words made the decision for him.

"Sully!" she shouted, "I can feel the baby," hoping he would remember to position himself in front of her without her having to remind him as the contractions were too intense for prolonged coherent speech.

He now realized that he needed to be in front of her despite her desire for him to hold her because he had to be the one to coach her through the last part of the birth. Carefully getting up from his position behind his wife, he went and kneeled before her shaking knees and pulled back her dress to examine the baby's position. As he did so, he saw that the head was close to the opening of the birth canal, but was not quiet ready to crown.

"Push Michaela!" he encouraged. "PUSH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed as she pushed along with her husband's words.

"That's it, that's a girl. Push a little harder if you can," Sully told her, his voice full of emotion.

"I can't push any harder," she sobbed as she gave into the urge to do as her body desired yet again. She felt the head slip from her body as she screamed and a moment later Sully looked up at her intently once again.

"The head is out Michaela," he stated with obvious joy and pride. "Just a little bit farther. You can do this."

Michaela barely heard his words though as a hard contraction hit and she was engulfed in pain. She spread her legs as far apart as she could and gave into the will to push one last time. A moment later Michaela's last syllables of anguish mixed with her newborn's cries as her infant daughter slid into her father's out stretched hands.

"It's a girl," he whispered with tears in his eyes, much the same way he had when Katie was born. After gazing down at his new daughter for a second longer, he carefully placed the infant in her mother's arms. By this time, Michaela had recovered from the effects of the last contraction and now took in the sight of her baby daughter with tears streaming down her face.

"She's beautiful," Michaela said to herself.

"Just a beautiful as her ma," Sully whispered, drawing himself next to them and gesturing with the scissors he had removed from Michaela's bag to indicate that he desired to cut the cord. Without a word, Michaela showed him the correct positions in which to place the clamps he had also brought to her side along with the scissors. Once the cord was clamped and cut, the new parents sat silently stroking their newborn, thanking the powers that be for their little girl's safe arrival.

When Michaela hadn't delivered the afterbirth within fifteen minutes of their daughter's birth, Sully began to get worried and questioned Michaela about the reason behind the delay. She replied sleepily that placentas could sometimes take awhile to be delivered after birth and that there was nothing to be terribly concerned about. She then attempted to lay herself and the baby down for some rest as her body ached from the delivery and from the emotional stress that had been her constant companion before it. Seeing her struggle, Sully helped her to lie down on a soft fur that he had stored at the lean to years ago. Once she was settled and the baby was nestled comfortably in the cocoon of her arms Sully laid down gingerly beside her, wrapping his arm carefully around both his wife and child.

He was so in love with this woman and so in awe of all five of the children she had given him first by adoption and then by birth that he felt compelled to whisper," I love you," to his wife as she drifted off to sleep. Michaela tensed at his words and drew slightly away from him, but he attributed this response to the unconscious movements of sleep and soon succumbed to slumber himself, unawae of the anguished tears that fell from Michaela eyes at hearing his profession.

* * *

_ Please review and let me know if the storyline and characters are behaving in interesting and yet valid ways consistant with the character and development of the story and show._

_Thanks, Corinna _


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

A half an hour later Sully woke up to screaming and the wails of a discontented infant. The cries of his wife and daughter confused him as he lay in the state between sleep and wakefulness. A moment later, he woke fully as he heard his wife say, "Help me!" too loudly and urgently for him to remain idle.

"Michaela, what is it?" he exclaimed worriedly, picking his crying daughter up from the ground where she lay beside her mother and attempting to calm her.

"Sully, I…I…I…think that…AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Is it the afterbirth?" he asked with so much tension in his voice that the words barely came out as a squeak.

"No…no, it's not the afterbirth," she panted. "It's…AWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Michaela, tell me what's wrong," he entreated over the wails of his agitated daughter.

"I…I…I think…I have to…to…PUSH!" she screamed.

"What!" Sully asked.

"Sully, look to see how far I've dilated," she instructed between screams, forgetting for a moment that Sully wasn't a doctor and wouldn't know what that word meant.

"Dilated?" he questioned fully of anxiety.

"How wide the opening of the birth canal is. Tell me if you can see the baby's head."

He did as she asked, but not before repeating questioningly, "the baby's head?" At that moment he saw it, another baby's head making its way out of the birth canal. It was almost crowning and Sully was too shocked to move.

"Sully," she screamed, "you have to catch it, put the baby down and catch the other." He set his daughter down and prepared to deliver his sixth child.

"PUSH, Michaela. Push as hard as you can!" he instructed intensely.

"I'm too tired Sully, I can't. Help me!" she whimpered before screaming as another contraction hit.

"I'm right here, just PUSH! It's going to be okay. The head's almost out," he told her excitedly.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Michaela yelled as she bore down on the contraction as hard as she could, hoping and praying that this birth would soon be over.

"That's it. Breathe. Just rest for a minute and then give me one big push," he encouraged his wife as he watched her body contort in agony and her face turn red from lack of oxygen. "Breathe."

Michaela inhaled deeply and held her breath, gathering her strengths to deliver another son or daughter. She found, however, that she needed her husband's strength and will to get her body through this unexpected labor. She reached out for him and he squeezed her hand comfortingly, but too quickly. This gesture brought no peace to Michaela and as their son was delivered. She screamed her husband's name as though he was miles from her plight.

Soon after their son's cord had been cut and both placentas were delivered, the whole family lay down to sleep. After their son's birth Sully had yet again tried to tell Michaela that he loved her, and this time she had violently shrugged off his caresses and words of endearment. This caused Sully immeasurable hurt and made both parents realize that the births of their son and daughter had only confused their emotions further and deepened the uncertainty between them.

* * *

Michaela leaned against Sully as she nursed her son, all the while caressing the baby's soft hair with the hand that was not supporting him as he lay on her lap, nearly asleep. Her daughter lay on the ground beside her, her little hands hitting her mother knee absent-minding as she explored the outside world for the first time.

The babies had woken up only minutes before squalling with hunger and for the touch of their mother and her protection from the cold early morning air, but she had been awake for sometime before that trying to make sense of the cascading emotions which threatened to overwhelm her much as someone literally is overwhelmed by the cascading flow of the greatest waterfall. Having Sully this close to her made her wonder whether she could ever stand to be apart from him again and yet she couldn't trust his proclamation of love, as they had been expressed to her during a moment in which even the most cold-hearted of beings would lie to ease the pain of childbirth. This meant that she had to keep her distance from Sully, even as he held her close and continued to anticipate her ever need and desire, as well as those of their newest children.

She hadn't wanted Sully to sit behind her while she nursed. It was too intimate a gesture for him to make if he didn't love her, but she had let him support her, partly because it was a practical solution to the problem of not having anything to balance against and partly because she still reveled in his touch and worried that the moment she told him to stop being so attentive, he would snap out of the trance he was in and remember how little he cared for her, that he truly didn't love her and that then he would walk out for good. Of course, she was sure that he would visit the older children and would ask for a place in the lives of Katie and the twins, but she was almost certain that in his heart of hearts, she really didn't matter anymore to him now than a simple acquaintance would. She knew that in order to keep strong for the children, she would have to remain stoic and distant from Sully and could never let him know how much she truly loved him, even if denying it to him and to herself broke her heart every day for the rest of her life.

* * *

_ Please review and let me know if the storyline and characters are behaving in interesting and yet valid ways consistant with the character and development of the story and show._

_Thanks, Corinna _


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"Michaela," Sully whispered some time later. "Don't you think we should name the babies? "

"Yes I suppose we should," Michaela answered in her professional tone. "What were you thinking would be appropriate?"

Sully was again hurt by her formal manner. She didn't need to be like that with him. He loved her and these were their children, not things to be dealt with as though they were part of a business transaction, yet he decided not to press her tone, as he hope to show her how much he loved her by treating her respectfully and lovingly and by cherishing her and the children as he always had. "No.", he thought to himself, "I haven't always cherished them, I left them and told Michaela I didn't love her after all the years of courage and conviction with which she has loved me, I was a fool but I will make it up to her", he promised himself optimistically. "Unless, of course, she still didn't believe me when I told her tthat I do love her." That last thought filled Sully with dread because he knew it was the truth, Michaela really didn't believe he loved her anymore and, if that was the case, he wasn't sure how he was going to prove it to her again. Knowing Michaela, she had already begun to close her heart to him, and fear coursed through his soul as he realized that she may never believe or want an 'I love you' from him again.

"Sully?" Michaela questioned, when he had not continued their conversation after a few minutes.

"Michaela," he said, his eyes cold and his tone as flat as hers had been moments ago.

"I was thinking that perhaps we could name our daughter after women who have inspired us, much as we did for Katie. That way she would know that we will support her in becoming a good person, who, like her namesakes, will do something of value for the world."

"So, who do you want to name her after?" Sully asked. He agreed with Michaela's reasoning, but didn't know if he could stand having an emotional conversation about the naming of these children. He and Michaela weren't connected right now and he knew that the naming of his children was going to be affected by that lack of connection. If they tried to make this an emotional moment, he feared that all the anger and hurt between them would spill over, causing their children's names not to reflect careful thought, but rather, spite and vengeance. He couldn't bear for that memory to follow his children's names for the rest of their lives. He didn't know what that would do to his wife, or to him, for that matter, and he didn't want to find out.

"I don't know…I wanted to know what you were thinking," Michaela said, realizing that this moment in their children's lives would not be the sweet, special moment it had been in Katie's.

"Whatever you want is fine with me. I'll love her no matter what we name her."

Michaela cringed at the word 'love' and tensed, an uncomfortable hurt coursing through her as she realized that she was jealous of Sully's love for their daughter. She wanted to tell him how much she wished he would love her in spite of everything too, but she was afraid of his rejection and tried to keep her mind focused on the little girl lying beside her. She laid her sleeping son down on the other side of her, buttoned her blouse and lifted the little girl into her arms. She laid her against her chest, kissing the baby softly on the cheek and top of the head. "I was thinking we could name her Charlotte. After all, Charlotte is the reason I survived out here in the first place and she did give us our first three beautiful children. I think it's only fitting that we name our daughter in honor of the woman who…" She stopped, realizing that, had she continued, she would have said, 'the woman who ultimately put us on the road to being together by showing me that you weren't really all that scary.' Had things been different between them, she would have said it with a smug smile and he would've laughed and probably kissed her. She missed his kisses and wished she hadn't shrugged them off that morning when he'd offered them, even if they were hollow promises, she could've pretended they weren't for at least a little while just to ease the pain in her heart.

"Charlotte sounds like a good name," Sully said, smiling a little for the first time in a long time. "She was a good woman. She cared for me when no one else would and our daughter would be lucky to have her name. Charlotte would be her guardian and could help keep her safe from all pain and hurt."

"No one can be kept safe from all pain and hurt, not even by the ones who profess to love them," Michaela said sharply before realizing what she had done. "Still," she went on quickly, "I think Charlotte would be pleased." As she looked down at the baby in her arms, she whispered, "Hello Charlotte." The baby let out a soft yawn in response and curled tighter against her mother for warmth.

"We need a middle name for Charlotte," Sully said interrupting the moment. He had wanted to continue to watch his wife and daughter bond, but the sight of them together made him want to take them both in his arms and he knew that Michaela would not allow him to do such a thing. He felt he had to keep the conversation moving in order to avoid sinking into despair and running away from them again.

"Yes, she does need a middle name, I suppose" Michaela replied, her voice shy and unsteady. "I was thinking about how love sometimes can be so fragile, and yet so pure, much like a child is, and the thought reminded of Ingrid. She was so sweet, Sully, and brought Matthew so much happiness. Giving Charlotte her name would allow us to teach her to be the kind of person who loves freely and truly and with one's whole heart."

"Ingrid's perfect," Sully said quietly, realizing that Michaela's description of Ingrid was exactly how he felt about his wife and how she used to feel about him. "I think Matthew would like it. Ingrid, too."

"Charlotte Ingrid Sully it is then", Michaela stated, kissing the baby's head once more. Welcome to the world, darling." She waited for Sully to reach out to the baby as well, and when he didn't, she lowered her eyes as tears threatened to fall from them. Was their separation going to affect Sully's love for his children? She thought not, but fear still hampered her joy as she lay her daughter down in her previous position beside her and went to lift her son, who was now as awake as his sister and just as curious about the world around him. "Sully, I'd like you to name our little boy," she said tentatively, hoping that in the name her husband chose for their son, she could retain some of the love that Sully once had for their family.

"Alright," Sully said nervously. "I could do that."

Michaela nodded gratefully, but didn't trust herself to speak.

"I'd like our son to be named Josef," he whispered, almost too low for Michaela to hear.

At his utterance, tears sprung to her eyes, but she managed to choke out, "That would be lovely, thank you." Gazing down at the baby, she stroked his head as she murmured the child's name to him as though teaching the baby all that his name carried with it and preparing him for the legacy that would be his because of his namesake. "And for a middle name?" she asked timidly.

"I don't know, can't think of one," he said suddenly, turning his voice cold again.

"Sully, please," she begged in a moment of desperation.

"Please, what? I'm here, ain't I Michaela? I helped you. I was there and now I'm still here, helping you name our children, if they are mine that is."

"How dare you!" she screamed, tears running down her face. "I told you they were our children, Sully, yours and mine. There is no one else. And yet, you still persist in thinking I am no better than one of Hank's girls. That I'm a whore!. I thought you knew me better than that. I never dreamed you would ever accuse me of having children with another man, but now I know the truth. You think little more of me than do most men." She knew her last utterance was a lie and that it had wounded Sully deeply, but she couldn't believe that he didn't know with his entire soul how much she loved him and how much she only wanted to have his children.

Shocked at her statement, he said quietly," If they're mine, how come you don't believe me when I tell ya I love ya?" He couldn't believe she had thought he saw her as a whore, he couldn't believe she had used the word to describe how anyone saw her. Her outburst had frightened him and her next words broke his cracked his heart "Like an iceberg." he thought. "Or the mirror in their bedroom."

"Because you don't love me. You said it yourself before you left for six months and you meant it, Sully, I know you did and you still do. You will never convince me otherwise. You just told me you loved me yesterday because I was in an awkward situation and that says a lot about you as a gentleman, but the Sully I knew would never lie to me about loving me. And so I have to take you at your word and dare not trust proclamations made under emotional circumstances. I have to be logical and trust that what you told me at the homestead of your own free will is the truth."

"Always the logical doctor, huh Michaela? Why can't you just ignore your brain for once and listen to your heart? Never mind, they're both just as stubborn and closed as the other. Forget it. If you think I meant it, then maybe I should have."

Changing the subject as he saw Micheala's body crumble and the twins begin to cry at the sound of their parents' shouts. "C'mon Michaela, are you ready to go? Have you rested long enough? I'd like to get back to town and figure out what we're gonna do about the rest of our lives, the kids, the house, the life I was planning to spend with _you_, until that is, I…"Sully went from screaming to utterly silent by the end of his sentence.

"YES, SULLY!" Michaela screamed! "What other insults do you care to pelt me with?"

"Nothin'," he said quietly, realizing that all he wanted to do now was to tell his wife that everything had been fine until he had said the most reckless and untrue thing he could ever have thought six months ago. But he said nothing.

"Well in that case, the answer to your earlier question is that I think I can travel. The sooner I get the babies home, the sooner you can figure out how you want to handle the rest of _your_ life." Micheala set her son down and struggled to stand.

"Sully, would you please bring the babies over to the wagon? I don't think I can carry them," she whispered painfully.

Regretting his question a moment earlier, Sully said, "It's alright if you want to rest a little longer, Michaela. We can stay another night here. I'm sorry I snapped earlier. I don't wanna hurt ya."

"It's too late for that, Sully," she said meaningfully as she climbed up slowly into the wagon and scooted to the right side so that Sully could drive while she rested and held the babies. "The babies need to get home, and so do I, the other children will be worried about me. They may have even sent out a search party to look for us and I don't want everybody to be caught out here in the cold just for my foolish mistakes. If you'd be kind enough to drive us, we can be on our way."

As he got into the driver's position, Sully wondered whether the mistake Michaela was referring to was going off alone into the woods in search of him or wanting to find him in the first place. He supposed he didn't want to know._

* * *

Please review and let me know if the storyline and characters are behaving in interesting and yet valid ways consistant with the character and development of the story and show._

_Thanks, Corinna _


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The ride back to the homestead in the wagon was a quiet one. Sully had expected the babies to fall asleep, but they had remained awake and intense, as though the situation between their parents kept them from feeling safe enough to close their eyes. Michaela, though, had fallen asleep. It wasn't a sleep that was restful or comforting to Sully though, as she fidgeted and moaned in the seat next to him. This made him worried that she would loosen her grip on their son and daughter, and so he spent the entire drive to the house with an arm around her and the babies as a precaution. He knew that if she found out that he had cuddled her close, even for practical reasons, after the argument they had just had, she would have accused him of thinking that she could be easily assuaged by intimacy and that he truly did think she was a whore. He wasn't sure if he could handle hearing that word from her lips again. He didn't even know how to handle her bringing the topic up in the first place. It seemed so unlike her, and yet she truly believed it, if her tone when she said it was to be believed.

As he held her close, he looked at the miracles that had transformed their last twenty hours together. Both children were so beautiful. Charlotte had her mother's coloring, down to even a fine layer of auburn hair on the top of her head. Her skin was also as pale as Michaela's and she looked like a porcelain doll, Sully thought. She looked so much like her ma, but he could see himself in her as well. At this realization, he instinctively held his wife closer and dared to kiss the top of her head, but not wanting to risk any more intimate contact, he decided to gaze at his son out of the corner of his eye as well. Josef's looks more closely resembled Sully's. He had his father's sandy colored hair and slightly darker skin tone. He also had striking blue eyes that seemed to stare back into Sully's own half-tuned eye with an intensity and a seriousness that made Sully feel instantly guilty for the way things were with Michaela. His son seemed to be telling him just how stupid and cruel he'd been, "Not unlike what my other sons are going to be saying to me when we reach the house, if they are speaking to me that is." Sully mused wearily.

* * *

The wagon arrived at the homestead just after dusk. At the sound of the horses, the children including Matthew, Colleen, and Andrew, rushed out onto the porch, expecting to see their very pregnant mother exhaustedly driving a wagon, which along with its owner had been missing for almost two days. Instead, what they saw stopped them in their tracks. Even Katie was too stunned to move. Amid their silence the group first took in their sleeping mother or mother-in-law, their new siblings, and finally and most unbelievably, their father or father-in-law. None of the group could believe the scene laid out before them. 

Michaela had obviously gone into labor in the woods and along with his jumbled emotions, Brian had to chuckle that his ma had a habit of giving birth in the woods away from the homestead. He thought for a moment that perhaps she did this subconsciously to spare them the worry of having to watch her have the babies and to make sure that his pa could be there with her. His pa. Now that was another issue. His pa seemed to be holding his ma like there was nothing wrong, and yet the look on his father's face said that he was afraid of being caught, as though his mother had not sanctioned or had expressly forbid the embrace. He felt caught too. He didn't know whether to be angry for the six months his father had been gone or to cling to him for dear life like a small child so that the only pa he had ever known wouldn't leave, like Ethan had, and wouldn't destroy the woman he had come to think of as his true mother, the only one he could really remember with any non-childlike certainty. His emotions were in such a jumble that he dared not be the first one to speak, mostly because he didn't know whether he would cry or yell and didn't feel comfortable doing either at 18 years of age, even if the reason for his tears and anger was his pa.

Colleen didn't know if she was seeing things and instinctively she leaned into Andrew's arms as though to shield herself from a giant, vicious creature, which seemed to threaten her heart and soul. Andrew seemed to sense her state of mind and closed his arms tightly around his wife, forming a protective barrier against the emotional uncertainty that had become an overwhelming presence in the moment. Colleen didn't know what to say or do: there was her pa, her ma, and her new brothers or sisters, and yet all she felt as though she could do was to run away. All she wanted to do was escape the fear, emptiness, and pain that had been the impetus for this moment and their family's constant shadow for six months. Her ma had been so destroyed by what her pa had done that she doubted very seriously that the embrace her pa now held her ma in was a sanctioned one. It seemed desperate and her ma seemed to be moaning softly in her sleep, whether from pain of delivery or from pain of her husband's reappearance, Colleen didn't know. She guessed that the most accurate assessment would be that the moans were symbolic of the pain of both situations and that worried Colleen more than anything.

For her own part, Colleen didn't know how to approach her father. He had abandoned them just like Ethan had, even though Michaela had loved Sully and Sully had loved Michaela far more than Charlotte had ever loved Ethan, and visa versa. The possible disillusion of such a powerful bond made Colleen wonder if the only pa she had ever truly had would stop loving her too. Though she knew the loss of love was a childish concern, she couldn't shake it, and so she remained silent, hoping that by doing so, she wouldn't say anything that would guarantee a fatherless future.

Matthew, on the other hand, was boiling with anger. He had no qualms about telling Sully what he thought of him. He was as low as Ethan, even lower since his ma loves him more than anything in the world. Nothing Matthew could do while Sully was gone was enough to ease his mother's pain. He would hug her, kiss her forehead, tell her that they would all take care of her, much as he had done when Sully had been in hiding, but this time it wasn't enough. His ma, the person who had taken care of him when his first mother had died and who had raised him to be a responsible man and not just a man for the sake of being one, had been abandoned by the love of her life and his brothers and sisters had been abandoned by the only pa who had ever been there for them. The pain of the moment for them was too much for Matthew to take and this accounted for much of the young man's anger; however, if the truth be known, Matthew had recently been closer to considering Sully a pa than ever before and he realized that a great deal of his anger stemmed from his own abandonment by the man he truly did consider his father. He had never told Sully the depth of his parental affections for him because it embarrassed Matthew and made him feel vulnerable, but the emotions were there and the hurt was just as real as it had been when Ethan disappeared. Perhaps even more so, since Sully had always been there, even while in hiding and at that time, Matthew had given up everything to restore his family and to regain the man who led their family and kept them safe and loved. His pa had lefr them. HIS PA. He couldn't get over the hurt. He didn't know what to do with it. He was tired of being the one who held it together for everyone's sake. His pa had abandoned them. His pa had abandoned him, and even though he was 27 years-old, he couldn't hold his temper in check. "Sully!" he shouted, startling everyone out of their revelries, waking his mother and startling the babies so that all were frightened and the youngest members of the family were crying. "How dare you show your face here. How dare you even touch Ma."

Matthew's utterance caused Michaela to realize that Sully's arm was around her. Being careful not to drop her son and daughter, she quickly scurried out of the unwanted embrace, positioning herself on the very edge of the wagon seat and grabbing Sully's arm and yanking it from behind her, shoving it in his lap as though he had touched her far more inappropriately than he had. Yet Sully understood that the way things were now; it was almost as if he had groped her in public. He immediately felt remorseful for not removing his arm as soon as it had become unnecessary and his son's anger cut him to the very core. He had guessed that the children would be furious, but Matthew's shouts had bordered on hatred and he knew there was more to come.

As if in response to Sully's musings, Matthew continued, "Get outta here! You don't deserve us and you certainly don't deserve Ma. You are a selfish man and you've used this family to get some kind of fantasy played out before you. You can have the wife and kids when you want, but you can go traipsin' off when you want to and we'll all just sit here pinin' for ya until you come back, right? Well we're done pinin' and you're done being a pa. Ma can decide whether you're done being a husband, but if she'll allow me, I'm gonna take Katie and Brian, and they're gonna stay with me until you've figured out where the hell you're gonna live, 'cuz if it's up to me, you sure ain't gonna live where you can hurt this family any more. I don't want Katie to have to be affected by listening to her ma cry all the time. We've all heard it enough to break our own hearts and maybe it's time that you heard it alone in the house, the house that you actually had the nerve to say that you built outta love for a family you just stop loving whenever you feel like it." With that, Matthew roughly grabbed Brian's hand as though he was a young child and swooped Katie up into his arms, making his way quickly to the wagon that he had brought along with him on his visit to the homestead last night after he had searched for his mother for the whole of the afternoon.

* * *

_ Please review and let me know if the storyline and characters are behaving in interesting and yet valid ways consistant with the character and development of the story and show._

_Thanks, Corinna _


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"Matthew, wait a minute," Sully said. "Brain is an adult now and Katie is your ma's and my responsibility. I know you are angry with me, but you have to think about what is right for them and not what you think would keep them safe. I appreciate that you want to protect them and I know I have was wrong, but I have to work it out with each of you in your own time and part of that is you understandin' that Katie and Brian have to make there own choices about me whatever those maybe. As for your ma, what we decide about our future is something for us to discuss for now, all of us will be included in what we decide, but it is out decision and I would like the chance to visit with my family before each of you decide whether I am worthy enough to be a pa or a husband. You made your decision for now, Matthew, and I respect it and understand it, but let Brain and Katie make theirs and tell me their own choices themselves, even if I don't deserve the respect, they do."

"Fine, Sully," Matthew shouted, letting go of Brain's hand and gently setting Katie on the ground before turning and running into the barn and slamming the door behind him.

For a moment Brain and Katie stood frozen where their brother had left them, their eyes locked on the closed door that had shut their brother away from them only moments ago. Katie was the first one to come out of her trance and she went running toward her pa. A moment later Brian retreated quickly to the homestead porch where Colleen was still wrapped in Andrew's embrace, stood stock still, replaying Matthew's outburst in her mind.

Brian, for his part had retreated to the porch to try to quell his urge to throw himself into his father's arms and refuse to let go. He felt that such a gesture would be inappropriate for a man his age and yet he knew that if he stayed any closer to his father than the porch allowed, he wouldn't be able to control his instincts and need for parental reassurance. This thought humbled and embarrassed him, but he couldn't deny it, no matter how hard he wished it not to be so. He also felt that clinging to his father would be an insult to his mother who had suffered greatly because of his father's absence. He didn't want to make the decision to divorce his father any harder on his mother, if that is what she had decided to do. His need for Sully would only pressure his mother to stay in a marriage where she didn't feel loved and he loved his mother with his whole heart and couldn't place that burden upon her shoulders.

For her part, Katie had run to her father the minute she had stopped being scared of Matthew and his anger. "Papa, papa!" she shouted! "You home!" As she neared him, she realized her grammatical mistake and hoped that her mother hadn't caught it, but as she gazed over to see whether Michaela was going to reprimand her, she saw that her mother was staring at the sky and holding two babies in her lap, oblivious to Katie and her mistake. Still, the little girl felt guilty and as she tugged on her father's arm she whispered, "Sorry Papa, it's your home, I'll say it right, I'll be a good girl," she whispered.

Sully slid down from the wagon, careful not to disturb Michaela as he stepped away from it and took his little girl into his arms, holding her close and relishing the feel of her and the faint baby smell she still had. "I'm home Kates," he whispered back, stroking her hair.

"I knew Mama would bring you home. I hate her because she made you leave. I told her to bring you home, but she gone a long time." Katie said, not catching her speaking mistake this time because she was too caught up in finally being in her papa's arms. Sully could tell that although Katie professed to hate her mother, her lip had quivered when she had mentioned how long her mother had been gone and from that Sully knew that Katie's love for her mother had not diminished as much as his daughter claimed. Katie's small voice brought him out of his thought as she whispered against his chest, "You stay?" and after a pause, "You stay forever?"

Sully wanted to answer his daughter in the affirmative, but the fight he had had with Michaela earlier had shaken his confidence in the fact that he would get their marriage to work again. She was so angry. He didn't know how he would convince her that he really did love her and he knew that without love this marriage would never work because it had always been their love for one another that had gotten them through the tough times and had helped them raise the wonderful family they had. Because of his fears he didn't want to lie to Katie and promise her something he couldn't deliver and so he said, "I'll be around Kates, wherever I am. I'll be around and I will always be here for you. Later on we need to have a talk about you and your ma, but right now, would it be alright if I put you down so I can see your sister, brother and Andrew?"

Katie nodded and Sully slowly put her down before starting over to the porch to face his middle son, his oldest daughter, and her husband. He wasn't sure how they felt about him, but he guessed he was about to find out.

For her part Michaela had sat silently in the wagon with the babies who had needed to be comforted and nursed after Matthew's argument with Sully. No one even seemed to notice the babies or her for that matter, and so she had had to lay her son down on the bench beside her, unbutton her blouse, and nurse her daughter without any help. No one seemed to care about the fact that there were new babies in the family and though she found her children's reactions to their father reasonable and their decision to ignore the babies understandable, she now knew that in order to make sure that her children, both grown and young, adjusted well to the new babies and that the new babies grew up in a house of love, she would have to find some way to repair her relationship with Sully. She loved him; he was her soul mate and the father of all of her children, whether by blood for Katie and the twins or by heart to Matthew, Colleen and Brian. She wanted to not be afraid, her heart desired to give itself to him again, to learn to trust his love once more, she just didn't know how or even if she ever could. This thought paralyzed her with more sadness and fear than even that which gripped her when he was gone, now her fear might be the reason he wasn't there to stand by her.

* * *

_ Please review and let me know if the storyline and characters are behaving in interesting and yet valid ways consistant with the character and development of the story and show. You can review here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949&postdays0&postorderasc&start0_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Sully approached his son, daughter and son-in-law slowly. He knew that whatever he said to them had to be truthful in order to have any hope of resonating with the children. but as he closed the space between himself and the children, Colleen said sharply, "I better go see if ma needs help with the babies, nobodies even bother to noticed them yet" without a word she slid past Sully quickly and made her way down the porch stairs and over to where her mother still sitting in the wagon with the twins. Though the babies were wrap and warmed Colleen could see that her mother was shivering and she silently became even more angry with Sully, for not tending to her mothers needs so soon after she had delivered his children. Slowly and carefully Colleen took the stock of her mother noting that the older woman had dark circles on her eyes and tear tracks down her cheeks. Colleen also thought her ma looked too thin to be a woman who had just given birth to twins and she realized that not all of her weight lost in the last 24 hours was due to the birth alone. The process of losing the baby weight had been accelerated by Micheala's stress level and pain. Colleen knew she had to act quickly of she wanted to keep her mother healthy enough to be able to nurse her brothers and sisters.

"Sully take Ma and the babies inside and bring them straight up to the bedroom. Ma's going to get sick if she stays out her much longer and if she does, she won't be able to nurse the twins. For once Pa,think of Ma will you, and not the mistakes you've made those can be dealt with later, right now, my most important concern is my mother and my siblings", she shouted trying hard to keep an even tone but failing as worry and anger coursed through her veins.

At Colleen's words, Sully hurried off the porch and around to his wife's side, beating himself up for not thinking that Michaela needed to go up to bed and rest as soon as they got home. Though she was holding the twins with all of might, Sully could see her strength was failing. One by one he lifted the twins out his wife's arms and into the waiting arms of his daughter and son-in-law. Andrew had come down from the porch after Colleen had called to Sully and as Sully lifted Michaela into his arms and carried her into the house Colleen and Andrew were already racing up the steps and into the homestead, trying to warm their new siblings and knowing that they would have to examine them and Michaela once all had been safely transported to the bedroom.

Michaela had protested very little when Sully had lifted her into his strong embrace and began carrying her into the homestead. Her plasted reaction stemmed from the fact that her body ached from cold, labor and emotional pain and she knew after mentally accesing her condition in the wagon that she wouldn't be able to walk if she had insisted upon it. All she wished now was that her separation from Sully had been a dream and that she close her eyes and escape the pain of everything of her lost love, her loniness of being called a whore, of feeling worthless and unlovable for reason only Sully seemed to know and had created within her. Her body naturally struggled against him aeven as her thoughts tried to fight there longing for his love she knew she was cracking under the strain and if someone looked closely enough they would be able to see the crack in her mind beginning to appear no longer hidden by her strong will ability to pretend. She thought for a fleeting moment that her feeling of bordering, the line between insanity was an effect of lack of sleep and she tried to brush it off as such but as she finally succumbed to sleep, the minute Sully placed her in their bed she knew that no matter how hard she tried eventually maybe not that day or even for months ahead but soon she would crack just like the mirror in their bedroom and that much like with the mirror only Sully could mend such a crevice with his presence.

* * *

Sully stroked his wife's hair as she slept. He would sure had she been awake she would have shoved off his advances with a hatred he could only imagine in the worst of his nightmares, but he felt compelled to do it as though some force was biding him to stay by her side and keep watch over her making sure that no harm came to her much as he done after she had returned home after being abducted by dog-soliders. He felt her need for him even if she wouldn't stay it. As he continued to comfort her, he noticed that she was crying heavily in her sleep, he never seen a person do such a thing before and the oddity and sheer vulnerability of it broke his heart. Even at rest, she was miserable because of him.

Unbeknownst to Sully, Michaela was not asleep. She was awake and silently sobbing at the reality that much as she knew her husband didn't love her, she needed his touch and as long as she could pretend she didn't know that he was with her, he would stay and she could pretend all the rest of her pain had been that dream she had so longed for as he carried her from the wagon and up to bed. At that moment, both Sully and Michaela were clinging to the belief that, for as long as was asleep in her husband's mind, it was ok for them to pretend that he was still her hero and she was still his heartsong.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949  
_


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Sully sat by the front room fire, moments after coming down from his and Michaela's bedroom. He had tried to make her comfortable, but even after an hour of stroking her hair, her tears had not ceased, in fact, they had grown progressively heavier until he was surprised she could remain asleep amid the intensity of them. He didn't know what to do. He was hurting her and he knew everyone blamed him for it. He didn't know how he could make up for all he'd done. He wasn't sure he should try, either. Trying seemed to make his children more upset and his wife cry harder, and each tear was like that line from _Romeo and Juliet_ that he could never get out of his mind after seeing the play Miss Dorothy had put on years ago. It was something about Juliet and a happy dagger, and how she was grateful for death after Romeo had injured her so horribly by dying because he though Juliet was dead. Sully now pondered the reality of how similar Romeo and Juliet's situation sounded in comparison to his own, and he couldn't help but chuckle to himself at how ironic it had been that he had given Michaela her engagement ring during that performance. Was it an omen? He knew Shakespeare would say so, but at the time he'd just been so happy to give her what she wanted, a physical symbol of his love, and he guessed, a physical symbol of her love as well.

At the time, he hadn't needed such a symbol, but now that he and Michaela had each, in their own way, brought to the other's attention that they didn't love one another, he wondered how important that symbol really was and whether he should've accepted the wedding band Michaela had wanted him to wear. Perhaps such a thing would've bound them together and kept this horrible situation from occurring, but now Sully thought to himself, 'Now I'm being superstitious, and that ain't gonna help nobody. Rewritin' the past ain't possible. All I got now is the future, and the only way I'm gonna find out what that's gonna be, is by waitin' to see what Michaela has to say when she wakes up…That is if she's ever gone to sleep.'

As if on cue, one of the babies awoke upstairs and Sully took the stairs two at a time, hoping to quell the crying before its wails woke his wife. By the time he had reached the landing though, he could hear his wife groaning as she struggled to sit up in bed and he noticed the wails intensifying as the baby heard its mother responding to its pleas. Sully waited a moment before entering the bedroom, hoping that Michaela would call for him and ask for his help. For he knew that she was in no condition to stand and certainly was not capable of fetching the baby from the bassinet herself. When he heard no call in the next few minutes, he realized that in order for Michaela to complete the task, he would have to offer assistance, assistance which he didn't know if she would take.

When he entered the bedroom, Michaela gazed up at him quickly, then averted her eyes as she asked, "Would you bring the baby to me, please? I can't do it myself," she added as though Sully was a stranger who knew nothing of her body's recent ordeals and normal level of strength.

"Sure, I'll bring him. Josef's the one cryin'. I guess he's hungry because my arms aren't doin' the trick," he said while trying to lighten the mood. He had been rocking Josef for the past few moments, but the baby's wails had not decreased in intensity and Sully knew that Josef wanted something he couldn't provide. Sully walked slowly to Michaela, being careful not to jostle his infant son, lest he make the wails ones of pain as well as hunger. He knew that all infants were small, but Josef seemed exceptionally so. He guessed that that was because he was a twin, and possibly because Michaela may have had them a little early, as she did with Katie. Sully suddenly realized he had no idea when the twins were expected and the reality of his lack of knowledge hit him like the weight of a freight train. He hadn't been here to know those things and he might never know them. 'What kind of a father am I?' he wondered to himself. As this thought reverberated in his mind, he slowly handed the baby to Michaela, then stood straight and turned his back so that his estranged wife would not have to nurse under his eye, eyes which she probably though were intrusive ones rather than the caring, watchful, and guarding ones she had thought they were when she nursed Katie.

Noting his back to her and the respectful posture with which he stood while she nursed, Michaela was almost sorry to have to bring up the topic that had been at the forefront of her mind since she had woken not long ago. "Sully…now that we're home…where will you stay? You can't stay here. You know that," she said quickly, as though she was hoping she wouldn't lose her nerve mid-sentence.

"I was thinkin' that I would stay down by the living room fire. That way you can have your own space, but I can still be here, for the kids…and for you," he muttered under his breath.

"But Sully…it's not proper, now that you're no longer in love with me. When I said you couldn't stay here, I meant at the homestead. Where will you stay?"

"WHAT?" Sully exclaimed in shock. He had expected Michaela to refuse him admittance into the bedroom, but to refuse him admittance into their home caused a new level of hurt to brew within him and he wished, again, that he had had Juliet's happy dagger, or rather, Romeo's poison to drink at that moment.

"I'm sorry, Sully, but…" Michaela grew silent, not sure what else to say in the pain-filled moment. She didn't really want him to go, but it was the right thing to do. She needed him, but couldn't make him stay here if he didn't love her, even if he professed he did.

"You ain't sorry," he said, his words coming out more hurt than angry. "You're just doin' what ya think is right, and even though I told ya I love ya, I guess that's not enough right now. though I wish with all my heart it was."

Michaela felt a lump forming in her throat so big that she dared not speak more than a simple sentence she had uttered several times before in this conversation. "Where will you stay?"

Sully was hurt that she refused to engage him, but he decided not to press her any further, seeing as he knew he would not make any headway that day or maybe for many days to come. "I'll stay out at the lean-to where I proposed to ya and where we had the twins. That way I'll always feel near ya and sense when you need me. I can sense ya need me now, but I ain't gonna push ya Michaela, and so I'll out like ya want me to, but I'll be here every day before the kids get up so they don't notice I'm gone and I'll be stayin' every night until they go to sleep so that they don't notice me not sleepin here'. And if you need help with the babies at night, just let me know, and I'll stay closer by. It's up to you, Michaela. I'll always stand by ya."

Michaela felt her heart break into a million pieces and as she nodded her acceptance of his terms, she caught herself involuntarily reaching for him and she did not protest when he drew her into his arms and let her cry. She even thought he was shedding some tears of his own, but she couldn't be sure. Neither one of them was sure of anything at the moment, especially not whether the embrace was a 'hello' or a 'goodbye.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _

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	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Supper was a somber affair. Michaela was not yetwell enough to come down for the meal and after the embrace she had given him in the bedroom Sully wasn't sure he wanted to leave her side. He hoped that if he stayed with her he could somehow silently convince her that she was all he needed in life to be happy and that she and the children were still as special to him as they had always been and would continue to be. And yet he forced himself to come down for the meal, eating in silence with Katie and Brian after Colleen and Andrew had returned to their home. He had come downstairs to eat partly for the children and partly because he was still too confused about things with his wife to stay with her without wanting to shout in anger or burst into tears, neither of which he though she could handle. In the back of his mind he wondered why she had not given him the letter he had found all those months ago, especially after what he had said to her. He was confused by the fact that she had never once mentioned it and acted as though she had never intended for him to know it existed. He was also mystified as to why she had never said that she didn't love him. She had had ample opportunities but had said nothing and had acted as if she was genuinely shocked at his false revelation. Of course the reality was she didn't know it was a false revelation and had taken it to heart, a reaction that had made Sully wonder if he had missed something in his relationship with his wife before he left, and whether his leaving for longer than a trip had any reason behind it at all. He quickly pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind, reminding himself once again of the words in her letter and the meaning of them. His heart-song no longer loved him and her tears must only signal her compassionate nature. "She doesn't want to hurt me…that's all. If the tears meant anything else she wouldn't have asked me to leave the house."

Finally satisfied that he had read the situation with as much consideration as possible. He turned his attention to his sleeping son and daughter who lie across the room from him in the bassinet that Colleen had brought in from the barn after Michaela and the twins had came home. Sully had decided to take the babies downstairs with him for a little while, watching them as he ate his meal and again now as he sat before the fire. He realized sadly that because of the situation between him and Michaela, he would not get to spend much time alone with Charlotte and Josef. He didn't know how to communicate his love for his children without being there everyday as Michaela nursed them and rocked them to sleep. Those were things she and he did together when Katie was little and he always had felt as if Katie had appreciated her father's presence during these activities and that these moments were why his little girl loved him so much now.

As if to prevent the distance he felt was possibly growing between his youngest children and himself, he quickly went to the bassinets and lifted Charlotte against his chest. She curled against him and squeaked with pleasure at being held and kept warm. Her trust in him lifted Sully's spirits and he communicated his thanks by slowly rubbing her back in circles the way Michaela and Katie liked to be comforted and held. Like her sister and mother, little Charlotte relished the gesture and fell asleep quickly in her father's arms. Sully felt her tiny body grow heavy and her breathing become even and deep and he swayed with her gently, determined to spend this moment making his daughter's sleep as peaceful as Michaela's refused to be.

After several moments of swaying, Sully walked with his youngest daughter over to a wingbacked chair and sat down. He hoped that sitting down would prompt his body to give in to the exhaustion he'd been fighting for the last thirty-six hous and he felt comfortable to know that when he awoke his daughter would be safely in his arms and his other daughter and sons would sleeping as well, although he doubted that Brian and Katie's sleep would be as peaceful as Charlottes and Josef's were.

As Sully began to close his eyes, his ears had tuned to the things around him, the soft sighs of the twins, the peaceful breathing of wolf, the crackling of the fire and the gentle winter wind that blew outside of the homestead. As was as it should be and he began to think that it was okay for him to close his eyes just for a moment without any guilt. He would leave the homestead for tonight, but for now he needed sleep if was to be any use to his family in the days to come.

Katie had come down the stairs and was now staring at her sleeping fathe rand the baby that he held in his arms. Because of the commotion surrounding her father's arrival, she hadn't even learned whether she had sisters or brothers or one of each and she wondered what kind of baby her papa was holding. She also wondered whether Papa would mind if she woke him up. She couldn't sleep because whenever she did she dreamt of mama and Papa both leaving her and of never seeing them again. The dream frightened her so much that she refused to close her eyes, and yet she felt so sleepy that she knew one of her parents would have to have woken up because they could make the bad dreams go away and she could sleep, Carefully Katie approached her fathe rand put her hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him, but being careful not to knock him out fo the chair or hurt the baby he was holding. Her papa's eyes opened instantly and she smiled at him, hoping she hadn't bothered him too much. "Papa."

"Kates, what is sweet girl?" Sully asked, wipe the sleep from his eyes with one hand while carefully holding onto Charlotte with another. At that moment he wished he had a third hand to pull Katie into his embrace, but his lack of it made him try to smile all that more gently at the little girl as she stood frightened before him.

"I had a bad dream," Katie stuttered, her small voice quivering.

"'Bout what?" Sully asked gently, careful not to push too hard. He knew that Katie would tell him in her own time and that pushing her would make the little girl's temper flaire up in much the same way as her mother's did.

"You and Mama were fightin' again and you left…both of you. You hated each other and said that you wanted to get as far away from each and from me because I was a part of both of you and one of you hated one part of me and one of you hated the other. Papa, you said I came from you and Mama's love, so now that you don't love each other no more, does that mean that I shouldn't exist? That seems to be what my dreams were tryin to tell me and Cloud Dancing said that dreams are always telling people something and so if you and Mama said that in the dream that must be what you meant, right? For real, right?"

At his daughter's words Sully realized that he would have to put Charlotte back in the bassinet and hold Katie in his lap for this talk. The little girl thought that they both hated her and that because of the current situation, coming from the love of her parents was an impossibility and therefore that she shouldbn't exist because she view the concept of coming form their love as a constant thing. Though he and Michaela had told her of her both and the reason for her existence during happier times, they had never thought that she still view herself as part of their connection, their union. The purity of that thought struck Sully dumb for a moment as he walked to place Charlotte in the bassinet next to Josef, He contemplated how he would phrase his response to his daughter.

When he had again taken his previous seat and had lifted his six year old into his lap, he turned her so that she faced him and began trying to explain what he knew the little girl already understood within her heart. "Katie, Mama and I will always love and yes you did come from our love and contiue to be proof of it everyday but just because Mama and Papy aren't showin their love for eachother right now, doesn't mean that you don't deserve to exist. Even if we don't say I love you any more and Papa lives in a different place, you'll always come from our love, the love we had when we made you, when Mama was carrying you, when we had you and when we see you now. That's the kind of love you come form and that can never change, just because Mama and Papa are hurtin right now, understand?"

Katie nodded slowly and then buried her face in her father's chest as she had the day he had left all those months ago, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding tight. Please don't leave Papa. Stay with Mama. I know she love you and I heard you say you loved her. You though you were being quiet but I heard you. Why doesn't Mama believe you? Why is she being to mean Papa? I hate her. I swear I do."

"Katherine Elizabeth Sully, don't you ever swear, you hear? That language ain't good for a girl your age to be usin. And don't you tell me or anybody else you hate your Mama. You don't hate her. I know you don't. And lyin is not part of being a grownup girl," he stated sternly. Sully's tone softened, though, as he said the next words, "I do love your Mama and I think she loves me, though I ain't sure right now." Sully watched as Katie's face began to get angry at her mother again and quickly added, "But that ain't her fault, it's mine. Papa was the one who really hurt Mama. We got some things to iron out, but I shouldn't have left. So I'm the one who done wrong Kates. Your Mama misses you and she missed enough people lately. I know you want to protect me, but I don't need protectin, and I know you love me and I love you too and she needs you to love her just as much as I need you to love me, perhaps more because she's hurtin. She needs her little girl back Katie. Right now you can make her feel better than I can. And you wanna make Mama feel better, don't you?" Sully knew that his daughter had a compssionate heart and that she would never want her mama to really hurt, even if she was angry and Sully could tell be Katie's trembling lip that she realized how mean she had been to her mother. He was, however, surprised at the intensity which filled his daughter's next sentences.

"I love Mama too" she sobbed, "I miss her. I wante dher to comfort me when I was scared and missin you but I just didn't know how to tell Mama I was wrong. I didn't know whether that would make her cry more than when I said that I hated her and I didn't want to make her cry more Papa. I just wanted her to bring you home. I though if I kept yellin, she'd go and find ya, and I guess she did, but I didn't want her to have the babies all by herself.'

'She wasn't all by herself, Katie. I was there, just like I was for you."

"And did you kiss the babies' heads and Mama when they was born, just like you did for me?" The little girl asked, drying her tears and suddenly excited at hearing how the new babies were born.

"Uhh…sort of, Kates" he said, quietly, not sure what to tell his daughter about how painful the moments right after the twins' births were.

"Did you give them their names? Did you and Mama agree just like you did on mine? Did you name them after Grandma like you did me?"

"Nope. We wanted them to have their own special names, " Sully said standing with Katie in his arms and walking over to the bassinet. He leaned over the bassinet so that Katie could see inside of it and get her first good glimpse at her brother and sister. Lightly touching Charlotte's cheek, he turned to Katie and smiled, "Say hello to you sister, Charlotte Ingrid Sully," he said with a big smile.

"Charlotte, like Matthew, Colleen and Brian's other mama?" Katie asked. "What a pretty name. I have a baby sister!" She exclaimed, not quite sure how to deal with all the revelations swirling around in her mind.

" Yep, you do." Sully stated, his grin widening even farther. "And this here's you brother Josef," he said, reaching over to strokes Josef cheek and to touch the hair that so closely mirrored his own.

"Papa, what's the rest of his name?" Katie said, barely able to contain her excitement as she reached down to touch both of her new siblings.

"He don't have a middle name yet, Kates," Sully said quietly.

"But why not, Papa?"

"Cause Papa wasn't so nice to Mama and I didn't give him one and your mama didn't do it because she said she wanted me to do something special for you brother and now I feel real sorry I didn't do it when she asked me to."

"Well do it now then. Go up and tell Mama his name. Maybe she'll be happy again."

"Kates, it doesn't work like that, sweet girl. But you're right, we do need to bring the babies up to Mama. They should be getting hungry right about now and as soon as we done that, you're goin' back to bed and getting some sleep, you hear?" Sully said, trying to lighten the painful mood that had been ever present ever since the conversation had started.

"Okay, Papa." She said. "Put me down and pick up the babies and we'll go see Mama."

Sully did as she asked and both of them went up the stair to the master bedroom to see Michaela.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Sully stopped at the doorway to the bedroom, motioning to Katie that he would go in first to see if Michaela was sleeping before they both went into the room and woke Michaela up suddenly and made her more uncomfortable than she already was physically and psychologically. When Sully entered the room, Michaela was sleeping and he thought for a moment about how best to wake her. Gently, he placed the twins in the crib they were sharing for the moment and made his was to his wife's side. He was shaking with apprehension at what she would say upon finding him in the bedroom in the middle of the night after she had told him that it would be best if they'd stayed in separate places, but he didn't know how else to alert her to the babies' needs. The twins were both starting to cry and Sully knew it wouldn't be long before their cries woke her and the rest of Colorado Springs.

He was so caught up in indecision that he didn't notice Katie disobeying his suggestion to her about remaining outside the bedroom. Before he knew it, Katie had slowly approached her mother's bed and climbed in beside Michaela snuggling gently, but fervently, against her mother and sobbing silently as reality hit her and she realized that she hadn't snuggled with her mama in a very long time. The combination of Katie's cries and those of the twins woke Michaela and for a moment she was disoriented as she squinted her eyes at the bright light from one of the lamps that was still lit when she had fallen asleep.

"Sully", she squeaked out painfully, aware that it was far past the time that he'd said that he would leave the homestead, but ever so grateful that he was still there. She was tempted to reach out and beg him for another embrace before letting him go to the lean-to, as she knew that he really would sometime that night, when she felt a small being pressed up against her side, leaning its head gently against her chest, a chest which was sore and tender from the renewed act nursing. She almost shrugged the object off but then realized with a gasp as she looked down at it, that the trembling form was Katie and that the little girls eyes were looking up at her with the same pain and love in them that Michaela's had shown Katie for the last five months.

"Mama," Kaite sobbed, holding tighter to her mother than the little girl ever had before, even as an infant.

"Shhh. It's alright, Sweetheart. Mama's here. Mama's here.", Michaela cooed, trying to put her arms as tightly around her baby girl as she could without choking her.

"I'm sorry that I said I hated you, Mama. I don't. I never did. I love you. Please don't go away. Please don't send Papa away."

For a moment Michaela looked across the room and locked eyes with Sully, whose eyes were focused on the sight of his wife and daughter reuniting once again, but Michaela quickly averted her eyes and looked down at her daughter as she answered.

"I love you too, Katie, so very much. And I'm not leaving. Neither is Papa. We'll always be here for you, no matter where we live or how things work out. We both love you with all our hearts. We'll always stand by you and make sure that you're safe and happy and nothing you could ever say to me or your father will ever change that," Michaela whispered, holding her daughter even more tightly and kissing the top of her head.

"Does the same go for you and Papa? Are you always gonna stand by each other and love each other no matter where you are?"

Neither parent answered. Each knew that Katie had raised a burning question and each knew the answer in their heart. What they didn't know was whether the other felt the same and they didn't want to say anything to their precious little girl if the answers they gave didn't match.

Realizing that she would get no answer to her question, but too tired to protest, Katie simply curled tighter against her mother, mumbled an "I love you" to both parents and as they did the same to her, she fell into a light sleep.

Seeing her daughter curled up asleep against her, Michaela seized the moment and the love in her heart and glanced at Sully with a thankful smile for his help in bringing their little girl back to her. Sully saw the smile and returned it, but decided that he had better head to the lean-to if he was going to start off on the right foot with Michaela. As he turned to walk out of the room, he said, "The babies are hungry and Katie had a nightmare. I tried my best to help them, but I think they need you now."

As he turned to go, Michaela realized that he was indeed leaving the house and her entire soul screamed out for her to stop him, but when she finally did call him and he turned around, all that she could manage was a pain-filled, "Good night." With that, she watched him walk out the door and heard him quietly creeping down the stairs. A moment later, she heard the front door softly open and close. She realized with a sigh that now, he was indeed gone and that she had never ever wanted him to go. Now she had lied to him just as he had said that he did her and she realized with a lump in her throat that lying to him now felt better than telling him the truth, another signal that their connection was now as empty as she now felt.

Perhaps she was no more loveable then a lying whore as Mr. Gregory had suggested. His comment had come at the perfect time to strip Michaela of the last ounce of confidence. Even Sully thought she would give her body without discretion and he clearly thought she wasn't worthy of his love. Yes, perhaps Mr. Gregory and Sully both saw her true worth and Sully had merely used her and then grown tired of the game. She had never intended to be too forward with him, but Sully had assured her he like her enthusiasm, maybe he had been lying then and had gone away because he didn't know what else to do to show her he had grown bored. Perhaps Mr. Gregory had merely voiced what Sully was too much of a gentleman to say. She was a weak, emotional woman who when she wasn't the infallible Dr. Mike, was hysterical and forward.

No, she didn't want to believe it, Sully didn't think that! Yet as they had most nights since he'd said them, Mr. Gregory's words made her sob quietly and pushed her further toward the edge of where her mind could cling to any hope of sanity.

* * *

_his is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Suddenly Michaela realized something. She could get out of bed and therefore wouldn't be able to nurse Charlotte and Josef on her own throughout the night just yet. She realized that unless Sully stayed the night, their children would go hungry and the thought frightened her. She knew she had to call for him at the top of her lungs but wasn't sure that her throat was completely up to the task as it had grown hoarse screaming during the birth of her children. Without thinking, Michaela tried to stand and go after her husband as best she could, but her legs weren't strong enough to hold her and she fell with a loud thump to the floor banging her knee and hitting her sore stomach muscles against the floor hard. She screamed out in pain and woke Katie instantly. Upon seeing her mother on the floor, Katie called for her mother to get up, but all Michaela could do was cry in pain and Katie was frightened. Not knowing what else to do, she bolted out of bed, slid past her mother out the door and down the stairs, hoping that her papa was somewhere nearby and could be of help.

Sully had heard the scream from inside the house when he was about to saddle his horse and ride for the lean-to. At the sound of it, he had bolted back towards the door and now met his daughter in the front room. The little girl had tears in her eyes and could barely squeak out the word "Mama" before bursting into tears. Sully picked her up and rushed towards that bedroom.

Upon entering it and seeing his wife lying on the floor sobbing he shouted, "Michaela, what happened?" he asked, not even trying to conceal the love and concern in his voice at the moment.

"I fell. I was trying to get you to come back because I realized that I couldn't feed the twins on my own and I needed you to stay, but when I tried to get out of bed my legs weren't strong enough and I fell. I think I hurt my knee," she said, still crying. Michaela was ashamed to be crying like a toddler but she couldn't help it.

"Shhh. It's all right. Let's get you back into bed and I'll bring you the babies and your medical bag. Looks like you're gonna need it," he said, soothingly.

"Will you stay with me…I mean for the babies, of course," she added hurriedly.

"Of course I will. I'll be right here just like I promised. Just let me go get your bag and I'll help you with the twins. I think Josef's the most hungry," he said with a smile and a wink, trying to ease her physical pain and the pain in the situation between them.

"I think you're right," she said, returning a little bit of a smile through her tears as he left the room to go get the bag.

Once he had left, she thought for a moment about how much she wished he were staying not just for the babies, and how grateful she was that he had been there when she fell. He HAD stood by her this time. and when the twins were born. Would he always be there if she let her heart ask him to love her again? She was afraid to open her heart again; afraid of Mr. Gregory's words and afraid that Sully had meant his when he left. She had to say it though, had to tell someone. When she was sure he was far enough away that he couldn't hear, she said to herself and to the babies who were starting to wake, "I love you, Sully

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Moments later, Sully returned to the bedroom carrying Michaela's medical bag and a shivering Katie. Before Sully could ask anything further of his wife about her injuries, Katie squeaked, "Mama," and ran straight for her, either not hearing or heeding Sully's plea that she be careful with her mama. Katie slammed into Michaela with all the force her six year-old body could muster. She looked as though she were trying to burrow a hole in Michaela's chest, and the pain of this loving assault was too much for Michaela to bear. 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Michaela screamed with all the force that her injured vocal cords could muster. The scream sounded as though she were dying, and both Sully and Katie stood frozen at the sound of it. Katie knew she had done something wrong, but couldn't quite figure out what. However, as she removed her head from the center of her mother's chest she realized that Mama had fallen on her belly and that she had most likely hit several of her mama's owies in her attempt to make sure that Michaela was alright. 

"I'm sorry, Mama," the little girl said sobbing contritely, trying to shout over her mother's scream, which had continued on far past any scream of pain Sully had ever heard before. This one was worse than even Michaela's screams of labor and he wondered what internal damage such a small body could do. He was just about to go to the door and yell for Brian to fetch Andrew when the screaming stopped. 

Afraid her mother would yell at her, Katie quickly slid off the bed and ran to her room, shutting the door quietly behind her. Sully had seen the look in his little girl's eyes before she left. Katie was afraid that her mother wouldn't forgive her this time, especially after such a terrifying scream and Sully knew that later he, Katie, and Michaela would have to have yet another talk in order to restore the tenuous piece that had just been broken by the painful, yet sincere display of fear and love by his daughter. But he couldn't worry about Katie now, he had to tend to Michaela. 

Quickly he approached her as she lay on the bed panting, obviously still in pain from such a blunt trauma to her already weakened body. Without thinking, Sully took her hand and kissed it, hoping that subconsciously his actions would help ease the pain and comfort Michaela as she attempted to let her body handle what their daughter had done. 

Slowly his wife's breathing calmed, and as he saw this, he also saw her slide her hand away from his, although not as violently as he might have expected. "Sully," she squeaked out, "My chest hurts. I don't know if I can nurse like this. What are we going to do?"

Sully saw the worry in his wife's eyes and realized he had to act quickly if he wanted to show Michaela that he would be there for her. "Do you want me to go fetch Andrew? He can help ya."

"But Sully, I…I…I…don't want him to see…that part of me. He's our son-in-law now," Michaela remembered with a slight blush that she had been aware of the awkwardness between her and Andrew, as he treated her after her gunshot wound and after the miscarriage. She couldn't bear for him to see more of her than he already had, especially now that he was Colleen's husband. It just wouldn't do."

"Well," Sully said, "I could…um…give you somethin' from your medical bag to take the pain away, although you'd have to tell me how much to give ya."

"Oh yes, of course. I hadn't thought of that, but I need to see the extent of the damage first, and the babies are hungry and I can't take a chance on some of the medicine infiltrating my milk. Even if I did chance something, there's no possible way that the medicine could take effect before they would need to be fed. I'm going to need help holding them and I'm going to need to stop often, even the shortest amount of time the twins will need to nurse will be very painful for me if I'm as bruised as I think I am…in that…place."

"Do ya want me to go fetch Colleen for ya then? I'm sure she wouldn't mind me wakin' her, she'd understand and she's said that if ya needed anything, you could just call her." Sully thought about his statement for a moment. Colleen had been quite helpful to Michaela that night, doting on her new siblings and learning their names and the circumstances of their birth, but she had spoken no words to him since she ordered him to bring her mother and the babies inside. Of his children, Colleen was the most withdrawn and Sully worried that he and Matthew might in their own ways keep themselves from ever getting hurt again by shutting him out of their hearts forever.

"No, no, Sully. Colleen doesn't deserve to be woken at this hour. She and Andrew have had plenty enough to handle today, and I won't ask them for anymore help than I have to." As she said this Michaela glared at him, staring deeply into his eyes and pouring all of her fear, anger, hurt, and loneliness into his soul. 

Sully nearly choked on the pain he felt radiating from her, but he didn't know what else to do for his wife. Who could help her with nursing when she was in such a fragile state? When they'd been a happy couple, he would've volunteered himself first, but he thought better of it now. She would never want him to see such intimate parts of herself now that she thought he didn't love her. 

At this thought, a realization struck him. How could he have been so foolish to ever think that Michaela had slept with someone else? Did he really ever think it at all? He doubted it, he had known—no, knew his wife too well. She would never have given herself up to anyone but him and not even him now. It had taken her so long to get used to the idea of being with him that he once thought perhaps she didn't want to be. Later he'd discovered she was only afraid of her own emotion and the intensity of her feelings for him. He had known deep in his heart of hearts that she could never have slept with someone without love and that she had never, ever been in love with anyone else, as long as he had been in her life. With shock, he also realized that most of the letter he had found in that drawer the night before he left was begging for love from him, an emotion that didn't match the last of her words. Again, he wondered if he was missing something, and guilt filled him anew as he realized that he hadn't taken the whole contents of the letter into account. What did they mean? What could they have meant for his relationship between him and his wife if he had confronted her about them? And what did they mean for them now? Michaela's present words brought him out of this revelry and startled him to his very core.

"There's no one else, Sully. You have to help me nurse. I know it must be awkward for you, but I need this favor from you, not for me, but for the children. They're hungry Sully, and I can't do it without you."

"Michaela, are you sure that's what you want? I mean I don't wanna disrespect ya." He realized how hollow his words sounded to his own ears and registered just how meaningless they must've seemed to Michaela. 

"It's not what I want, Sully. It has to be done," Michaela stated firmly, trying to avoid infusing the situation with any emotion. 

"I'll turn my back while ya feed 'em, I promise," Sully stated gently, hoping to allow Michaela to retain some dignity in what he knew was a painful situation for her.

"You can't, I need your help holding them and positioning them as well. You have to look, Sully. I know that this is not what you want, considering what a gentleman you've always been to me. I know you didn't even visit Hank's Saloon before we were married, and so I knew that even whores don't appeal to you, but try to understand I'm only doing this for our children. I don't want to be improper," she said in a whisper, trying to assuage the empty feeling that coursed through her soul. 

There was that word again, he thought, 'whore,' Why did Michaela keep using it in connection to herself? He had never thought of her that way. He'd even begged her to understand that he did not see her loving behavior as improper, that he enjoyed her enthusiasm, and he had thought in all their years of marriage that he had finally gotten through to her, but there was this word, sticking out like a sharp knife in Michaela's hand at once pointing toward him and to herself. It was as if Juliet's happy dagger had become double-edged and was slowly killing them both. Unsure of what to do with his thoughts, Sully chose not to respond to his wife's repeated insinuation and instead, he removed the twins from the cradle at the end of the bed and brought them to Michaela. Amazingly, neither had woken when their mother fell to the floor, but both had been awakened by Michaela's scream and now the infants were themselves screaming in hunger, fear, and frustration. Sully brought both children to his wife and laid them where she requested, holding them against her as they nursed, while trying to avert his eyes as much as was safely possible for the twins. 

Silence shrouded them entire process, neither party spoke and the tension between them made even the thought of words impossible to comprehend. When the twins were almost finished, Michaela suddenly turned towards Sully, looked down at her exposed breasts, and stared to him with a blank, almost soulless expression. The stare frightened Sully to his core because he realized now just how empty his wife was. He knew that she was retreating to that dark place she had gone to after Washita and yet something was different, the place she was retreating to now was not a rational place, but rather one of insanity and he almost screamed at the fear he felt for her, for their children, and for their marriage. 

As for Michaela, she was thinking darker thoughts than she'd ever felt before. Some part of her knew that they weren't rational, but she couldn't help them. She was a whore…a WHORE…a husbandless whore. Perhaps she was a husbandless whore because she was too forward. Perhaps she was one because she couldn't satisfy him in bed, in the kitchen, with her mothering skills. Perhaps she repulsed him with her intellect and outspoken nature. She had thought that when they were courting, he couldn't possible love a woman like her. But over the years, she had convinced herself otherwise. Now she knew her gut instinct had been right. She had driven him away by forgetting a wife's place. At that thought, she knew immediately that he had to get out. It wasn't proper for him to see her in her current state of undress, and she was only further trapping him a disgusting situation by insisting that he help her with something she was supposed to be able to do on her own. If it was her last act as his wife, she had to protect him from her immoral ways, thoughts, and feelings. With this resolve she opened her mouth to speak. 

Her next words propelled Sully to a place beyond fear, beyond reason, beyond thinking,

She said it quietly, almost in a whisper and yet there was something eerily off balance about it, as though her biting words were more for self-inflicting wounds than for asking him a question. "He was right; I'm a whore. You don't love me because you think I'm forward and dirty. I was never what a wife should've been. I was always improper and outspoken. You don't deserve that embarrassment. Please Sully, get out."

Sully was shocked. He couldn't think of anything to say. She had suddenly gone from rational to irrational in a split second and he didn't know what to do. Quickly he moved to take the twins from her and was surprised when she let them go without a fight. After placing them in their cradle, he moved toward the door as her unbalanced words became shouts.

"GET OUT. GET OUT. I won't let you stay with a whore, "I…" the next word was inaudible to Sully, because Michaela deserted it with sobs, but he caught the three words that followed, "you too much!"

Sully was speechless. "Who was "he" and what had "he" done to HIS heartsong?"_

* * *

This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _

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	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Sully wasn't sure if he had heard Michaela correctly. She had just repeatedly called herself a whore. She had insisted he felt the opposite of everything he'd ever told her about the way he felt about her character, the kind of person she was, the kind of mother she was, and the kind of lover she was. He couldn't believe how much pain his actions had caused, and he still wondered who "he" was, even hours later. When Michaela had ordered him to get out, he knew by the irrational look in her eyes, that she wouldn't stop screaming until he'd left the bedroom. He had wondered whether she'd even stop screaming then. Perhaps she would continue her haunting accusations and pleas until he left the house, or even her life. He didn't know.

As soon as he left the room he could hear Katie sobbing and he hurried to his daughter's room. The little girl was inconsolable. She hadn't spoken to him for the entire hour after that, but she had clung to him as though she were afraid that he would take leave of his senses, like the little girl knew that her mother had. Once and a while he had thought that he could make out the word 'Mama' in between Katie's sobs, but he wasn't sure. And so he decided not to upset the little girl anymore by pressing the subject. Perhaps he was hearing things, hearing his own heart crying for his wife, a wife he feared he might never see again. After Katie had fallen into a fitful sleep, Sully had pried her small hands from around his chest and lay her down in her bed, covering her with a thick blanket so the cold would not add to her miseries.

As he left his daughter's bedroom, he suddenly remembered Brian and the emotional toll that this had been taking on his son. The boy had reacted strangely when he had come home. He was not distant like his older sister and brother, and yet he was not as comfortable as Katie. Sully attributed this aloofness to his son's age and sense of manhood, but he sensed that there was something Brian was holding back, and Sully worried that like his mother, the pain of whatever it was might eat away at his son until he had no confidence left. Sully would have to think about what to do for Michaela because the damage to her had been done to perhaps an irreparable degree, but he had hoped that with his son he could stop of the grasp of the melancholia that had threatened to choke the life out of his entire family before it killed Brian's sense of self.

Sully's guilt over the entire situation almost made it impossible for him to go to his son though. Michaela was destroyed. His strong, self-confident wife had no self-esteem, and whatever had happened to her during Sully's absence had become so powerful that it had erased everything Sully had tried to give Michaela with his love. Would it have been better for him to stay with her, even if she didn't love him, just to save her from the pain she was going through now? His heart told him yes, and therefore he himself almost felt like he didn't deserve to live. He also knew that self-pity would do no good to his family and that it was a luxury he also didn't deserve. He had created this situation and now he had to stand by the family and the ruined relationship with his wife in hopes that there would be an opening to possibly fix the problem before he and the world lost his wife and possibly his children forever.

Sully had never wished so hard for more education than he did at this moment. He had always thought that learning from life was as good as learning from books, but now he wished with all his heart that had a medical degree, that he could understand what was going on in his family's heads and fix it. He had assured himself when he came back and saw Michaela in the woods that because he could sense she might still love him, love would be enough. Now he realized she couldn't even feel love without feeling sordid and therefore, love would now be his enemy, the force that would drive Michaela away when it had before always pulled her near. As he walked to his son's room, Sully could feel tears pouring down his face. He wanted to hide, to stop crying before his reached his son, but then he thought better of it. His son needed to see what mistakes did to a person and that even heroes could crumble.

As tears continued to mar his vision, he reached Brian's doorframe and knocked softly, hoping not to disturb the boy. No, he corrected himself, man, if he had slept through his mother's tirade, but vowing to be there if the little boy inside him had heard his mother's cries of anguish and needed his father to make them go away, both from his mother's mind and from the little boy's heart the man still carried inside. "Brian," he called softly, gently coaxing his son to answer with the tone of his voice.

"Go away," came the indignant response, sounding much more like the protest of an angry boy than the demand of a man.

"I ain't gonna do that son. I done too much of that already. I'm gonna be here for ya, just like I promised. I broke that promise by goin' away and I know that was wrong, but I never stopped lovin' ya and I wrote ya telegrams. I know ya got some of 'em."

Brian slowly opened the door and Sully could see that his son had been crying. "You sound just like Ethan," Brian stated, not as an accusation, but as a plea for Sully to prove him wrong and, unlike Ethan, to make good on his promises to stay,.

"I guess I do," Sully admitted. 'I never wanted to be like him. I wanted to be a good pa and I never wanted you to have cause to doubt me for anything. Now I've give you cause to doubt me twice, just like he did."

"The first time wasn't your fault, Pa," Brian said, tears starting to fall more heavily down his cheeks, "But this time was. You weren't doin' what you believed was right this time. You just did what was best for you, and it ain't the same." Brian's words came out as a mixture of wise adult admonishment and childlike disappointment in a parent.

Sully wasn't sure how to approach his son at the moment. He thought that Brian needed to be held, but he didn't know if the young man would allow it. He feared that if he advanced on his son, Brian might take it as if he were treating him like a child and not respecting his status as a man, something that could push Brian over the edge and further away from his father than he was now. Sully was treading on thin ice and he knew it.

Brian on the other hand, was desperately wishing that his father would hold him like he did when he was little and at the same time he was ashamed at being so weak. Anthony has once said that Brian looked like Sully and acted like him too, even though they didn't share blood, and because of that, it embarrassed Brian that he wasn't as strong as Sully was, even in the worst circumstances. And yet Brian thought his father hadn't been strong this time. He'd run away from them for reasons he suspected his mother didn't even know. Brian also knew something his father had said had devastated his mother and because of that, Brian also knew that there was a time his father had let his emotions get the best of them, except that that time he had ruined their family and Brian was determined not to be anything like Sully in that regard.

A second later though, his resolve broke. "Pa," he sobbed. "Don't leave us. Don't stop loving Matthew, Colleen, Katie and me and you're ma's true love, just like Sarah was mine. I'll never find another one like her, Pa, and I let her go. Please, please stay with me and Ma. I need you around." Brian threw himself into his father's arms and Sully wrapped his son in his embrace while moving to sit on the bed. Brian sat next to him and put his head against his father's chest, much as his little sister had done. The 18 year-old had become eight again, a little boy in search of a father, only this time the little boy had found one and was afraid of losing him again. As Sully held his son tighter, Brian's sobs only intensified and Sully thought he heard the young man say, 'Don't go, Papa.' Brian had never called him 'Papa' and Sully knew the young man was replaying in his mind the first time Ethan had left him and fearing that Sully would abandon that little boy inside of him once again.

With as much of a voice as he could muster through his own sobs, Sully whispered, "Papa's here, Brian and I promise you I'm never leavin' again." For a long time Sully cradled his son against him, hoping that through his father's hold, the young man would understand the truth of his promise. Finally Brian succumbed to sleep and as his body grew heavy against his father's chest, Sully carefully laid him in his bed as well and kissed the top of his head before exiting the room.

Sully was unsure of what to do now. His middle son and daughter were in turmoil. His oldest children were bitterly angry, although he knew instinctively that underneath their anger was even more hurt than the children he had comforted tonight displayed. And then there was Michaela.

Sully didn't know what to do for her. He could try and go talk to her, but he had the distinct impression that doing so now would only shame her confused, irrational mind further. He didn't want to leave the house, but he feared what Michaela would think of herself and of what he though of her if he stayed in the house against her wishes. He guessed that she might think that she was so forward that he felt he could use her whenever he wished, even against her will. Such irrational thinking frightened Sully to the point that he knew that he should see Andrew in the morning, and yet he knew that such an action might further harm his chances with Michaela. The choice to see Andrew was one on which he would have to ask the spirits for guidance. Either choice could bring about disaster. For now though, he knew what he had to do. He walked down the hall from Brian's room and to the closed door of his and Michaela's bedroom. He knocked softly on it and when he heard her sob something indistinguishable, he said softly and gently to the closed door, hoping that he was loud enough for her to hear, "'Chaela, I'm goin' to the lean-to now, just like you wanted. I do respect you and that's why I'm goin'. You're not anything that man said you were. You're not anything I said you were, either. Even if you don't believe me now, I'm sorry, my heartsong. I'll be out there if ya need me and I'll be here in the mornin'."

As he turned away, Sully nearly slapped himself in the face at his stupidity, he could leave Michaela alone in the house as she requested. She needed help feeding the babies, that's why he was still here in the first place. With fear mounting in his soul, he turned and walked back into the bedroom.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Tiptoeing quietly into the bedroom, Sully sank himself wearily into a chair beside the bed and next to the cradle. Michaela was still on the other side of the bed, but her face was turned toward him and he could see the tear tracks as they lay exposed to him like open wounds. Michaela was ill now. He knew that as surely as he knew he was the cause of it. She was not ill in a way that could be cured by medicine or rest, though he was sure there were treatments for what ailed her that incorporated such things. He knew though, that those simple things wouldn't fix it.

He knew that something was broken inside Michaela, something perhaps Cloud Dancing couldn't even fix, though he would seek out his friend in the mountains of Montana if his wife didn't improve in the days to come. Sully hesitated to go to Montana, however, because it would mean being away from Michaela and the children again and he feared that they would not believe him if he said he would return from this second absence. The children would become withdrawn again and Michaela, well Michaela might just go to a place where it wouldn't be safe for her to stay with them anymore and he couldn't let his wife, and the love of his life, go like that. He had promised her he would take care of her, stand by her, and he vowed that would be enough to keep it from every being suggested that she should ever be sent away, and if it came to that, Sully vowed not to let them take her. He would care for her all of his days, in sickness and in health. It didn't matter now whether she said that she wanted him gone and it wouldn't until he was sure that she was in her right mind, Right now, he wasn't going anywhere no matter how much she begged or pushed him away.

The babies began to stir again and Sully knew that he would have to wake his wife once more for feeding. That meant seeing her undressed once more. Sully dreaded Michaela's reaction to him in their bedroom and worse yet, a further continuation of the reaction she'd had when nursing before, but the children were hungry and their mother desired to feed them.

Sully knew something else as well. When Michaela had been in the midst of her tirade she had said something that he could have sworn was close to the sentence, "I love you too much to let you stay with a whore," which really meant staying with her. He hadn't understood the meaning of the words until sitting in the chair. But as he gazed over at his wife for a moment, thinking about the best way to awaken her, he realized their connection was still there, but buried under psychosis, melancholia and guilt, all of which could be attributed to both parties at one time or another during their argument. Sully only hoped that he could use his wife's love as a gentle coaxing tool to get her to open up to him about what had happened, about what she wanted from him, about the letter and about who had hurt her so deeply as to convince her that she was someone he didn't even recognize. She was not whore. She was his enthusiastic, loving wife, the best mother one could ask for, and a skilled doctor who could heal with medicine and compassion. Those were the things that she was, to others, to the children, to Sully and, most of all, somewhere deep in her heart, to herself. He just had to remind her of that if he could.

Sully crossed to Michaela's side of the bed and lightly touched her shoulder, whispering ever so gently, "Chaela, the babies are hungry again." Sully had hoped that by using the term of endearment, he could show his wife he still held her in the most intimate part of his heart and that she need not be afraid that he was going to take advantage of the love which had once given him the right to freely use such an expression. He only hoped that she wouldn't take offence.

"Sully?" she murmered sleepily, "What are you still doing here? I told you to get out," her voice was soft and still sleep-filled, but Sully knew that when she more fully awoke, She would fight him and he would be direct with her in his refusal of her command. He had to be. He would be gentle but adamant, as any healing he and his wife attempted to experience would not be come by pushing the other away. He did however, want to respect her desires and so he was careful to state his reasons for remaining in objective terms.

"The babies still need to be fed, Michaela, and you need my help to do that, remember?"

"Yes," she mumbled embarrassed, tears springing to her eyes," I do." She slowly sat up, eyes downcast as she winced at the pain in her body. Sully noticed the wince and helped her to sit by placing his arm around her back and underneath her legs. Michaela registered her protest at this action by looking her husband in the eye, but she said nothing, knowing on the most basic level that for her children's sake she could not demand that he leave her for her own reasons or for his protection. The babies were what mattered now. When she was comfortably seated on the pillows, Sully went to the twins cradle and lifted Charlotte from it carefully, trying not to jostle Josef as he did so.

Charlotte opened her eyes and focused on her father with an intense stare, a stare that reflected contentment and security. As he saw this, Sully cuddled his daughter closer, as he brought her to her mother, relishing for a moment that he could make at least one of his girls feel such satisfaction and safety merely by being held in his arms. When Sully had placed Charlotte in her mother embrace, he sat on the bed in front of Michaela and waited. Again the two parents did not speak during Charolotte's nursing, but Sully knew instinctively when Michaela need to stop and rest. Her eyes would cloud over with tears and though she would try to hide them and her facial expressions, Sully would quickly take Charlotte from her so that the pain of the act of nursing would not overwhelm her and cause her to scream like she had when Katie had run into her hours before.

After several breaks, Charlotte had finally drunken her fill and Sully brought Josef over to nurse. Josef was smaller than his sister and so Michaela didn't need as much help holding him, but he tended to drink faster than his sister, causing Michaela much more pain. She was in so much pain that she continued to cry softly throughout the nursing of her son, even though Sully made sure they took a break as often as they could, without stopping completely. However, what had been an hour process with Charlotte became a three hour process with Josef, a process which halfway through it had to again include Charlotte as she demanded to be nursed again every hour and a half to two hours.

By the end of the night, Michaela was sobbing openly from the sheer torture. There was the pain in her mind and all throughout her body. Sully took a chance and, covering her up with a blanket quickly so as to respect her modesty, drew her gently against his chest and wrapped his arms around her. Michaela did not protest, partly because she needed Sully's hold,it helped ease the pain of what she was, helped her forget how useless she was to everyone around her and somehow it eased the pain in her body as well.

As the night came to a close and Sully took her into his arms for what was the fifth time in those wee hours of the morning, she looked up into his eyes, tears reflecting in her hollow ones, all the fire gone, and simply said, "Thank you." Before letting go of him quickly and sinking back on her pillows to sob herself to sleep. Sully stayed by her, but didn't know whether to touch her or not, as the small personal contact they'd had had been to him been a miracle. He didn't want to ruin it by pushing it too fast. Instead of holding her, he merely sat on the bed again in front of her, watching her sleep. Her blouse was still open and so he hastily pulled up the covers to hide it from his and her own view, as the marks on it and the exposure of her body would surely make her sob harder than she already had. About 6 a.m., the time that Sully would have arrived at the homestead from the lean-to, Michaela fell into a fitful sleep and Sully went downstairs to make breakfast.

* * *

Two weeks later, Sully found himself waking to the sound of birds and the rustle of the trees outside his lean-to. He turned over just on the verge of wakefulness but fighting it. He was having a nightmare, but he desired to see how it ended before he awoke. 

"_What will he do without me?" Snowbird breathed, drawing in a shaky breath, one Sully was sure would be among her last. She had not told Cloud Dancing that she loved him and yet he knew, he knew without words, just as she knew the feelings of his heart without having to say them. Suddenly, the body on the ground was not Snowbird's any longer. It was Michaela's. She was dying, just as Snowbird had, but her last words were not the fulfilling ones of her friend, but rather ones of intense pain._

"_He is better off without me. He will be free to do what he wants when I am gone. Do not worry Cloud Dancing. Look after the children for me and see that Sully is happy. That is all I ask." Michaela then shut her eyes and ceased to live. _

_Above her words, Sully had been shouting, "Michaela, I'm here. Don't go. I'm not better off without you. Please come back, "he had cried sobbing. The scene shifted yet again and Sully struggled to hold onto his dream a while longer. This time it was he who lay in Snowbird's place with Cloud Dancing above him and Michaela at his side. "What will she do without me?" Sully choked out, feeling his life leaving him. _

_Cloud Dancing gave the only reply he could to Sully's question in his even and wise tone. He answered simply, "Her spirit will die as well."_

Sully awoke with a start, screaming in fear and confusion as he realized that he indeed still was at the lean-to. Without thinking he pulled on his buckskin and raced from the site to where his horse stood tied to a tree. He untied his mount and with his heart racing he galloped to the homestead, not thinking about what he would say or do when he got there, only knowing with certainty that Michaela needed him, if not at the moment, then soon. I new that the representation of Cloud Dancind that was in the dream had spoken the truth and he wondered for a moment if his blood brother had sent him the dream on purpose so as to warn Sully about what would happen if he did not reconcile with his wife.

Sully's heart continued to pound as he neared the homestead an hour and a half later. All seemed calm around it, but its serenity looked almost ominous as though fate were taunting him with his own comfort level. He didn't know whether his fear was justified, or if he was just being paranoid, but he knew the dream meant something and he had to find out just what. Sully dismounted his horse and tied him up in the corral before racing towards the stairs and starting up them. Halfway up the stairs though he realized that he couldn't just tell Michaela about the dream. In the last two weeks they had grown further apart than they had in those first two days after the twins birth. "Perhaps," Sully thought, "that wasn't quite accurate. " The only reason they'd been close after the twins birth was because they had to be, and Sully had to admit that it had been only a matter of time before the awkward situation became too much for one or both of them. Sully though back to a few weeks ago with an ache in his heart at the reality of the turn which the situation with his wife had taken.

**Michaela had asked Colleen and Andrew to move into the homestead for a while because she had told her daughter that it wasn't fair to make Sully to stay in a place where he didn't feel comfortable and that it wasn't fair to force him to take care of a woman he didn't love. They had discussed all this without Sully's knowledge and he had come home to find Colleen and Andrew moving into Colleen's old bedroom when he came in for supper. Colleen still refused to speak to him, but Michaela had announced their daughter's and son-in-law's decision to everyone at dinner. Per she and Sully's agreement, she did not mention that this would mean that Sully would be sleeping elsewhere, although the three older children knew that that reality was what prompted such a move. **

**Matthew was relieved. He had found in difficult to maintain his distance from Sully in the past few weeks, part of him desiring to scream at his father further, and another part of him desiring to tell Sully how much Sully's disappearance hurt him. "Now," Matthew though, "I won't have to deal with him. He'll be gone. I won't have to see that look in Ma's face any more. And" he reminded himself, " won't have to deal with the pain Pa caused me." With a smug smile on his face, he shot Sully across the dinner table, communicating his acceptance and pleasure at the removal of his father from the tense situation. **

**Brian, on the other hand, didn't want his father to leave. After that night, Sully had comforted him like a small child, Brian had realiezed he loved his father and didn't want him to live anywhere else but with them, and though he behaved in a completely adult manner around the family, he knew that his Pa knew his vulnerability and it felt good not to have to be on guard all the time for fear of letting his own insecurities slip. Brian knew, though, that his mother was unhappy having his father in the house and this hampered Brian's desire for his father not to leave. "perhaps if Pa stayed away for while Ma will get her confidence back and pa can slowly start to prove to her that he loves her again." Brian knew that his mother no longer believed this and knew that the thing which had destroyed his mother had something to do with love and giving it to her husband and to others. He prayed that this seperation would show his mother that she needed to give her love to his father in order for them to be completely full and happy. **

**Katie was oblivious to the ruse, though, and was simply glad to have her sister and brother-in-law in the house for her to play with. The observant little girl didn't catch her father's devastated eyes or her mother's empty look this time. For Matthew had already distracted her with a game of find the bunny, a game that Katie loved to play with her favorate stuffed toy and her "bestest oldest brother in the whole wide world." **

**As soon as Matthew had returned to his house in town, Colleen and Andrew had retired up to their bedroom for some sleep before Colleen had to get up with Michaela and the babies in a few hours, Sully had read his youngest daughter a bedtime story and tucked her in for the night before going to say goodbye to Michaela and heading to the lean-to. As he approached her, she moved to keep him at a distance, and so he stood five feet away from her, practically having to stand against the bedroom door for her to be comfortable with being in the room with him. **

"**Sully," she said too calmly for his comfort, "I think it's time that I discuss divorce proceedings with Matthew. I know it will be hard to have our own son draw up the papers, but it will save us some money, Sully, and right now we need all the money we can get for the children. Brian is starting college in the fall and we'll need more clothes for the infants because we have a son and daughter now needing baby clothes, rather than just one child. Katie with also need proper school attire and…"**

**Sully cut her off, "I'll pay for whatever you and the children need, Michaela. I always promised to take care of our family, and I always will."**

"**That's just if, Sully. There's no 'ours' anymore. It's yours and mine and we each have to do an equal and separate share of the work. After all, we won't be sharing financial burdens any more once the divorce is finalized I…"**

"**Who said I agreed to any divorce" Sully shouted, for a moment not caring if he woke the children or if they found about Michaela's plan to disentangle her life from his. "I love you. I want to be with you. I always have. I always will. Why can't you see that? I will not give you a divorce. I told ya I'd respect ya but this is going beyond that."**

"**You think that yelling at me is going to tell me you love me? You don't love me Sully otherwise you would never have left. You're lying to me now. For what reason, I don't know, but it's a lie, Sully, and I'm releasing you from having to stand by me without loving me. If you love me, the look would still be in you eyes and the tone would still be in your voice. It hasn't been there for months Sully. Perhaps it was never there. Perhaps I imagined it. Maybe I was just a beautiful woman to you, whatever the reason that you stayed here with me and the children, whatever the reason for Katie and Charlotte and Josef's existence, I release you from the confines of that decision now. I know you don't love me, Sully. I know it as surely as I know I don't love you."**

**Sully was taken aback by the words, but they didn't sting him as much as the ones in her letter had because he could detect the overwhelming falsehood that enveloped them. She was lying now, just as he had lied before, but he had obviously done a better, or worse job of it depending on how one looked at it, because his wife had bought his untruth whole-heartedly. He had also known that at that moment, he had no other option but to leave, and yet he had to say one last thing before he left. He raised his head from the lowered position that it had occupied throughout the conversation they'd just had and entreated in the gentlest voice he had ever used, "Please Michaela. Don't file the papers yet. Give it a few days. Please just think it over. Please don't do this to us, not yet. If you don't think it over for me, please just do it for the children. They wanna see us lovin' each other Michaela and they have a right to that."**

**Michaela looked angrily into his eyes and began to say, "How dare you tell me what my children need…" but she had stopped abruptly in mid-sentence. as though caught in the limbo between knowing the truth of Sully's words and needing to deflect them back at him. **

**For a moment, all she did was stand in silence, her voice having left her after the word "need" and then, a moment later, she'd given an almost imperceptible nod of assent to Sully's plea. **

As he recalled the conversation from where he stood on the porch two weeks later, his mind reeled from the force of the conversation and the words of his friend in his dream. Something was about to happen and he knew that whatever it would be would be painful for both he and Michaela, but he knew in his soul that he had to try to use the meaning of his brother's words to save his marriage and his wife from ruin. He couldn't just stand by and watch.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	20. Chapter 20

**Warning: This chapter contains a semi graphic attempted sexual assault**

Chapter 20

Sully entered the homestead and crossed to the kitchen where he knew his wife, possibly his soon to be ex-wife, was making breakfast. As he entered the kitchen, he had the urge to pretend like nothing was wrong and to sneak behind Michaela and wrap his arms around her and kiss her cheek and then her lips like he'd always done when coming down for breakfast, or even when he'd been out of the room she was in for a time. He liked to kiss her to remind her how special she was to him. There were some days when they had been happy that he couldn't believe she was his wife. He would have to touch her while they were sleeping, or eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner, just to remind himself that she was always there and would always be there, that is until he had been the one to walk out.

The two days that Sully had asked for when she had first proposed getting a divorce had been extended to two weeks, but Sully thought this was probably only because no one had mentioned it. Even the thought of it sent his mind reeling and he knew that as long as he drew breath, he would never mention it to her again if it meant that she wouldn't consider it. He also knew that Matthew had been appraised of the possible situation and that if things between Sully and his mother didn't improve, Matthew would be more than happy to mention it.

Sully straightened himself and brushed all thoughts of kissing Michaela from his mind. Instead, he went toward her with a smile, being careful to keep a respect distance between them as he greeted her. "Good morning, Michaela."

"Sully," she said.

At this point the conversation usually stalled and the parents would spend the rest of the morning tiptoeing on eggshells around one another while waiting on the children. Sully would busy himself with making sure that Katie ate her breakfast and got properly dressed for the cold weather, which included reminding her to not to forget her jacket when she walked out the door to go to the clinic with her ma for the day or with him on a survey of the nearby woods.

Michaela had chosen to go back to work only two weeks after the twins' birth. Physically, Sully could tell she was weak and could've used more time to rest. He contemplated saying something, but knew as things stood now, he was more of a stranger than a husband and Michaela didn't appreciate strangers advising her on what to do in any circumstances. Emotionally, Sully also thought that Michaela had pushed herself for something she wasn't ready for. She had barely bonded with the babies. She didn't hold them the way she had held Katie. She would pick them up only when they were crying, and even then, she settled their distress and quickly put them back in their bassinet. It was if she was afraid to touch them, as if they would remind her that she had recently loved her husband enough to make children with him. She treated the babies as though they were responsibilities and not joys. Sully wondered whether his children were suffering from his mother's decision to remain distant from them, even in this covert way, but again, he dared not say anything, given his wife's fragile state of mind and the way she thought he felt about her parenting skills.

When Katie was bundled up and the twins were wrapped securely in blankets which fit snuggly over their heavy winter outfits, Sully took Katie's hand and led her over to Michaela. "Sweet girl, go with Mama now. You'll have fun at the clinic with her and Charlotte and Josef today."

"Papa, you come today, too?" The little girl said, reluctant to let go of her father's hand as she was most mornings now, especially when it came to going anywhere with her mother, whom she had made peace with just days after Michaela's fall, but whom she continued to avoid and tread lightly around whenever she could.

"Katie," Michaela snapped. "You'll see Papa tonight.

Turning to Sully, she said formally," Thank you, Sully, for your help this morning. We'll be back around suppertime. Colleen or I will fix supper. Have a good day"

She then lead Katie out the to the door, shifted the babies' basket on her other arm and without turning around said in the same stilted tone "Goodbye."

Sully stiffened at his wife's departing words. She said the exactly the same thing to him everyday. No variation in word choice or tone. He knew that things were not getting better and something in Michaela's demeanor was telling him that things were going to get a whole lot worse. She had snapped at their little girl, something that she vowed never to do after arguing with her own mother throughout her childhood and adult years.

What Sully wouldn't give to talk to the proper and irascible Mrs. Quinn again. Perhaps she would have been able to shake her daughter out of whatever turmoil she was in. But Mrs. Quinn was gone now. The elderly stateswoman could not help Sully as she had when he'd been testing the waters with Michaela in Boston before they'd begun courting. He only hoped she was looking down on them now and offering what little help and guidance she could to her very lost daughter. With these thoughts in mind, Sully set about doing his usual homestead chores and trying to forget that he was not welcome to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

* * *

Michaela parked the wagon in front of the clinic and slowly eased herself and the basket which carried the twins down the one-foot step that separated them from the ground. Then she placed the twins' basket on the ground and reached up her arms to help Katie down from the middle of the front seat, where the girl had been sitting next to her mother on the ride into town. Just then, a set of arms appeared next to Michaela's and reached out for Katie in a similar welcoming fashion. For a moment Michaela had no idea whom the arms belonged to, but she had assumed that they were the arms of a concerned Colorado citizen who wished to help the lady doctor with her children, since brining them into town was more of an ordeal now than when she simply had had Katie to deal with.

A moment later when Katie refused to come to either set of arms and instead backed away toward the other side of the wagon, Michaela turned to see who it was that had her daughter so frightened. As she turned, she came face to face with Charles Gregory. Her heart stopped beating for a moment as she realized that apart from the one time he had dared touch her shoulder, he had never been so forward as to invade the sphere of life she shared with her family.

Before Michaela could speak, Mr. Gregory said, "See, Katie certainly knows what a respectable mother looks like, considering she won't come to you."

He was whispering, but Michaela felt like the entire town had frozen and was staring directly at her, hearing every word that Mr. Gregory was saying and storing it away for later gossip and scandal. "Come to Papa, Katie."

Katie inched backwards, but tripped and fell forward straight into Mr. Gregory's arms.

"I guess she really doesn't know who her father is," Gregory continued to whisper. "But that's no surprise, considering that her mother was left pregnant and did nothing to hide it, even though it was clear that your husband, if you were even married, had grown tired of you and was sick of your immodest displays of righteousness. If you had married me, I could've shown you what a real woman was and what a real man was supposed to do with a real woman."

With that, Mr. Gregory set Katie down, took Michaela's hand, and began to drag her into the clinic. Michaela tried to scream, but Mr. Gregory clamped his other hand tightly around her mouth to muffle the sound, pulling her completely into the clinic and shutting the door, leaving Katie and the twins terrified on the sidewalk.

For a moment, Katie stood still, unsure of what to do or even whether to breathe. Then she summoned a level of courage that surpassed that of most adults, picked up the basket holding her brother and sister, and began to run towards The Gazette and her auntie Dorothy.

Inside the clinic, Michaela was struggling to free herself from Charles Gregory's grasp. He had yet to let go of her mouth and he still held her hand in his, making it so she couldn't move or scream. She was frightened of what Mr. Gregory would do to her and even more frightened for her children, standing outside the clinic after having watched the strange man take their mother. She was so lost in her thoughts that she was unprepared for the force of the blow when he stood facing her with his hand still clasped in hers and his other one still over her mouth and shoved her violently against the wall, pinning his body to hers. She could feel his body reacting to her proximity and she feared that she was too weak to fight him off. She wondered momentarily why she hadn't listened to Sully when he had gently tried to tell her that she wasn't strong enough to return to work, and yet she knew the answer. She hadn't listened because it was Sully who had said it and she feared that everything Sully said to her now was purely a cordial suggestion to a woman who couldn't take care of herself and who had caused enough havoc in this town for him to be embarrassed for the rest of his entire life.

Her thoughts were abruptly halted as Mr. Gregory lifted his hand from her mouth and covered it with his own before she had time to scream. She struggled against his kisses and felt fear course through her when he dared to make them deeper. She had to get away. She knew what was going to happen if she didn't, but somewhere in the back of her mind she felt she deserved it and deserved the shame that would come of such a thing if it were to occur. As his hand continued to hold hers, his other one worked on undoing the buttons of her blouse and on caressing her hair, her face, and finally her chest and breasts. She knew that now was her chance and as he moved to kiss her newly exposed flesh, she took advantage of his distraction and kneed him in the groin as he kissed her chest and cupped her breast in his hand. The force of her kick sent him flying violently backwards and, but not before sending his hand deep into her already sensitive flesh hard enough that she knew her breast would bruise.

Forgetting her own pain, she quickly ran to the cupboard, grabbed some chloroform and spilled it heavily on a rag that she had retrieved hastily from her desk. As her assailant writhed in pain, she knelt down next to him, carefully avoiding his flailing hands and placed the rag firmly over his nose and mouth. Mr. Gregory fell instantly unconscious and she removed the rag quickly because she knew she had placed enough chloroform on it to kill a man. After checking his pulse and respiration, she began to scream for help at the top of her lungs.

Dorothy, who had hurried down from The Gazette when Katie had come to her crying hysterically about a strange man who was hurting her mother, reached the clinic and opened the door to find Michaela sitting, slumped over with her face in her hands crying, and Mr. Gregory, the gentleman with whom she had encouraged Michaela to spend time during Sully's absence, unconscious on the floor. "Michaela, are you alright?" Dorothy exclaimed. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened, Dorothy, but would you see if you can find Robert E. and ask him to escort Mr. Gregory away. I would greatly appreciate it. Where are the children?" she added as an afterthought, still sobbing.

"I took them over to the general store. Loren's watching them. Matthew was at the Gazatte when Katie came in with the twins and when he heard you were in trouble, he rode out to get Sully. They should be here anytime."

Michaela said nothing, but continued to sob and Dorothy embraced her, holding her close and comforting her in the only way she could. After a few moments, Dorothy asked gently, "Sully will see you when he gets here, Michaela. You can choose not to tell me anything, but what are you going tell him, Michaela?"

"Nothing," was the younger woman's reply, "Because nothing happened

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Sully's heart was pounding so erratically that he thought he really might have a permanent problem with it after all was said and done. He was terrified. Matthew had come to him at the homestead shouting that Katie and the twins were in the store crying about how some man had taken their mother and made Katie call him "Papa". Matthew also said that Katie had also started to mention that the man had been mean to her mama, but Sully hadn't heard all of what he had said because his mind was already thinking back to the time that she had been abducted by Dog Soldiers and shot by the grieving husband with a vendetta against doctors. He wondered whether this incident was what the dream had been warning him about and he feared that he might find his wife lying on the ground clinging to life just long enough for her to assert one last time that he didn't love her.

As he approached the clinic, he could see Matthew's shoulders tense and he knew the young man was as worried about his mother as Sully was. He guessed that the movement of Matthew's shoulders had been an attempt to keep himself from sobbing or vomiting, both of which Matthew would have hated to do in front of Sully. At that moment, Sully knew that he had to be the first one in the clinic and that no matter what Matthew said or wanted, Sully needed a few minutes alone with Michaela to find out what had happened and to really assess her condition.

Thus, with only a few hundred feet to go until they reached their destination, Sully pulled ahead of Matthew and raced off to the clinic, leaving his infuriated son behind. Sully knew that this move would mean that he would have even more to apologize to Matthew for later, but he needed to see his wife. Something was wrong with Michaela besides their separation, although he knew their separation had left the door open for whatever she faced now and he knew he had to be the one to find out what it was and how to help her.

When he reached the clinic, he could hear Matthew close at his heels, ready to stop him from entering alone. Quickly he dismounted and tied the horse to the post nearest the clinic and ran to the front door, not bothering to knock or ring the bell. Luckily the door was unlocked and he was able to push himself quickly into the examination room.

His sudden entrance startled Michaela and she shivered and yelped like a frightened puppy, cowering in the crevices of her chair and whimpering as though something was going to come and do her further harm. Sully looked around and found no assailant, yet he instinctually knew that Michaela's reaction was not because of him, no matter how hard they had been fighting or how much Michaela believed he didn't love her and so he figured that someone had come to take the stranger away or that Michaela, being the strong woman she was, had been able to chase him off herself before any harm could come to her.

Somewhere in his mind though, he sensed that the last assumption had been too much to hope for as Michaela's cowed reaction now denoted an instinctual need to withdraw from whatever she felt could cause her more of the same harm that her attacker had perpetrated against her. Standing several feet from her crumpled form, he spoke tenderly and coaxingly to her, hoping his tone of voice would make her less frightened. As he spoke, he thought of how much Michaela looked like Katie when she was frightened.

"Michaela? Are you all right? What did he do? If he hurt you I'll…" he said starting to let anger creep in his voice at the last utterance, anger which prompted Michaela to shudder even harder. Her shuddering made Sully immediately remorseful for his outburst.

"I'm sorry Michaela, I didn't mean to startle ya. I should've…" I should've been here, he thought to himself. But to her he said, "I should know better than to get angry right now. I'm sorry," he said, his face showing how contrite he was.

"It's fine, Sully. I'm fine. Nothing happened. He didn't hurt me. I'm fine." Michaela couldn't think of what else to say to make her lie sound more convincing. In truth her chest was beginning to throb from the myriad of bruises Mr. Gregory had probably caused across and under her breasts and along her ribcage and sides. She couldn't tell Sully any of this, though. It wasn't proper for a woman to tell a man such things, especially a man who didn't care for her in that way. In the back of her mind she realized she was retreating back to the way she had thought of herself when she first came to Colorado, she knew she was behaving like the last ten years hadn't happened and yet these rational thoughts were so buried underneath all of the anguish of the estrangement from her husband and her assault that she couldn't force them to be part of her conscious understanding of herself.

"Michaela, the children were frightened. They told Matthew a man covered your mouth, held your hand and forced you inside. Katie even told him the man made her call him Papa. Who is he, Michaela, and why haven't you mentioned him before? Is he the man that's been calling you all those awful things? If he did this to ya, he's gonna pay for what he's done." Sully's voice was adamant, but he was struggling to keep his tone even and soft enough for Michaela not to be afraid of it or of him. She needed him now, he could sense it, but he had to make her believe he wanted to be there for her to love her with his entire heart. He had to try to reach her and now was the time. A second later, though, he realized that he'd missed his opportunity.

Michaela had remained silent through Sully's questioning, not sure what to tell him. She desperately wanted to cry on his shoulder and sob that he had been right in everything that he'd guessed and in everything he had relayed to her from the children, but she couldn't. Something inside of her was stopping her from telling him the truth. She wanted him to hold her tight and to kiss the pain away, but she felt as though she, somehow, deserved the assault and the distance from him because she was not the wife or the person he wanted her to be, not the wife or the person he could love, and so she repeated the simple sentence she'd uttered to Dorothy before,

"There's nothing to say, Sully because nothing happened."

* * *

The woods were cold and damp against her nightgown as she stumbled her way blindly through nearly five miles of brush. The sharp bushes scratched at her bare legs and the rocks cut her feet as she ran unconsciously toward him, tears streaming down her face. Her eyes were glazed over as though she wasn't seeing or comprehending any of what was around her. She seemed to be running on pure adrenaline and even that was fading fast as her lungs were burning from the combination of the speed and awkwardness of her unsteady gait and the sobs that continued to rack her body. As she neared the structure, she stumbled and landed hard, letting out a small squeak as her hip took the full weight of her weakened body.

The squeak was enough to awaken him from the light and unrestful sleep he had finally succumbed to only a few minutes before. Standing up quickly, he bumped his head on the top of the structure and stifled a curse as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and followed the trails his companion had made out of the structure and toward the creature in need of assistance. Seconds later the man was beside his companion, taking in the fallen form of a woman sobbing in her nightgown mile from where she'd come. Without a moment's hesitation, the man lifted her into his arms, beckoned his friend to follow and walked back to the place where he had made camp.

As soon as he'd picked her up, the woman had begun to speak, not in the form of intelligent conversation but in the form of sobbed snippets, the jest of which the man could only catch if he focused on them intently. When they reached the structure, the man had placed her beneath it and tried to remove her from his embrace, figuring that she'd be more comfortable if he did so. However, the woman refused to let go of him and instead clung to him as one clings to their last hope of salvation. He finally gave up on trying to release her and encircled her with his arms as well in a mirroring gesture of comfort. He was careful not to mirror the intensity of her hold, however, as he thought that that might scare her more. The man could tell that the woman was having some kind of mental breakdown, and yet he wasn't frightened. He felt as though he was almost relieved for the woman as she seemed to be releasing whatever psychological demons were haunting her, though surprised she'd chosen to do it with him. He, however, was unprepared for what he heard when her ramblings became more linguistically coherent.

"My husband doesn't love me, but I love him so much that I can't live without him…I only wanted him to stay with me like he used to…the letter…he…left…I was writing to tell him…love him very much…wanted him not to go…not another trip…wrote down my feelings…hoped I could show him…love him very much…pregnant…alone…wanted him…babies moving…Katie was excited…big sister…so cute…missed her Papa…he doesn't love me…Mr. Gregory…husbandless whore…tried to rape me…horrible wife…needed my husband…labor…pain…twins…hurt so much…he didn't want to be there…burden…no middle name…wanted him to love me…couldn't tell him… so much pain…I love him…always will…he wanted divorce…I said it for him…children hurting…hold me…save me…stand by me…" She looked up at the man with a blank expression and muttered, "Thank you for saving me…he used to…I need him…stand by me."

Sully was stunned at his wife's revelation. She had no idea who he was or where she was. She only knew pain, fear and isolation. He had been wrong about so many things. If he was hearing her correctly, he must have read the letter wrong and this whole thing, including his wife's psychological state now was because of him. The weight hit him like a freight train in his chest and as he held his shivering wife, he couldn't breath. She'd endured a pregnancy alone, been stalked, molested and almost raped, raised his children and kept loving him all while trying to protect herself from a man whom she loved more than life itself but who had proved that he didn't love her by saying the four words no husband should ever say to his wife and abandoning her to be left to the wolves of the world and of judgment, first under the guise of providing for his family and then under the excuse of not believing he had one anymore.

The burden made him physically sick and as he went to turn his held to vomit, he noticed that Michaela was gasping for air and clutching her chest as though she were having a heart attack. He supposed, though, as he swallowed his own sickness, picked her up in his arms and rushed out of the lean-to towards his horse, that the ailment and the location of the onset of it were fitting considering that he had been the one to figuratively, and now literally, break her heart.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

As his horse galloped toward Colorado Springs, Sully kept as much of an eye on Michaela as he could. She half sat, half laid in his arms and she was still whimpering and clutching her chest as well as continuing to gasp for air. Sully had no idea what was wrong with his wife, but on instinct, he surmised that she was not having a heart attack, although he couldn't be certain given her physical position and symptoms at the moment. He thought though that the ailment was perhaps a physical manifestation of the psychological trauma that she had been through as a result of his abandonment and the possible divorce and that, as usual, Michaela had been internalizing the depth of her feelings just as much and he was externalizing the reason for his, and he fretted over the toll that this appeared to have taken on her body.

She also hadn't stopped crying since she had come to him and she had yet to recognize him, even after he had spoken softly to her about how much he loved her and how much he regretted not being there when she needed him, He told her that he would make Mr. Gregory pay for what he had done, though he wasn't sure that Michaela would approve of the way he was planning to handle the punishment the man would receive. Sully fully intended to inform the authorities of the attempted rape, but first he would make sure that Mr. Gregory knew who Michaela's husband was, how wonderful a woman she was, how much Sully loved everything about her and how much he hated Mr. Gregory for what he had done. Though it normally went against his principals, Sully had decided that once his wife was well, he would not only speak to Mr. Gregory, but make sure that Mr. Gregory suffered physical pain for the pain he had caused **his **heartsong.

As they arrived at Andrew's clinic, Sully looked down to see his wife in the exact same position and her behavior no less erratic or frightening than it had been when he had last dared to look down at her as the horse raced toward help. Urgently, Sully yelled for Andrew and when the young man appeared, he gestured for him to take his mother-in-law into his arms, but only for as long as it took Sully to dismount, for after that, Sully insisted on being the one to hold her and she was no less insistent, for she screamed like a wild animal the moment Andrew touched her. The scream seemed to have worsened her chest pain, however, and she had begun breathing even more heavily than she had before, making it difficult for her to scream out her protestations as Sully carried her into a place she no longer recognized as safe followed by a young man that she feared was going to do her harm.

Once in the clinic, Sully placed her gently on the examination table and tried to turn to his son-in-law, worry etched in his face and evident in his eyes. His turn was stopped short, though, as Michaela gripped his arms with an animal-like intensity that he didn't know was possible in a human grip. Choking back his own yell of agony and instead concentrating on Michaela's face, he relayed what he knew of his wife's condition as best he could to Andrew:

"Andrew, you gotta help her. She came to me in the middle of the night, walking through the middle of the woods dressed just like this. I don't know why, I don't even know if the kids know she is gone, but she don't seem to recognize me, so I doubt if she was in the right mind to tell the them where she was going. She keeps mumbling about how much she loves me and how much pain she has been in, but she don't seem to know it's me, Andrew. You gotta do something, she don't see nothin' around her and yet she won't let go of me. It's like she clinging to something she knows in her heart is me, but her mind can't tell her anything and…. And…. And… Towards the end of what she was saying to me, she just started gasping for air and clutching her chest. I have seen some people do that when they are having a heart attack, but she hyperventilated when the twins were born, so I don't know. Is it something serious?"

Andrew was only half listening to his worried father-in-law. When he had seen that Michaela was exhibiting such dangerous symptoms, he had immediately gone to work. As he went about completing his examination, he had in the back of his mind the dread of possibly having to tell his wife that her mother had had a severe heart attack, or, if that diagnosis proved incorrect, a severe pain attack and mental breakdown, either of which he knew would devastate Colleen. He had known for many months that his wife's parents were estranged and he couldn't help but feel a certain sadness about it apart from sympathy for his wife, for they were also like parents to him. As he listened intently to Michaela's heart and lungs, he though about the fact that his father-in-law, may have literally and physically shattered the heart of the woman he had known the older man to refer to in his stories of their courtship as his heartsong. The term seemed ironic now, as Andrew detected an un-weakened but irregular and fast heart beat and the sound of lungs which were overworking themselves to compensate for what he guessed was most likely a combination of her heart's unnatural rhythm and a hunger of the soul which could not be satisfied by air but, rather, was in dire need of a love only his father-in-law could re-affirm.

Turning to Sully, he looked the older man straight in the eye and in the most professional manner Andrew could muster in this very personal situation, he said, "First I can tell you that the scratches on her hand are ones that I sewed up earlier today when she broke the stained glass window on your front door. I should have seen it before, but she said it was an accident and Colleen believed her, so when she seemed fine this afternoon, I though she was telling the truth. I'm sorry Sully, I should have seen it." The young man lowered his head contritely for a moment as Sully looked open-mouthed at him, trying to ignore the fact that Andrew just said that Michaela had destroyed the beautiful stained glass window that they had fought over and finally became partners because of. "

She had destroyed it? Sully thought. Destroying it was like destroying a piece of their marriage, but Sully also knew now not to take it as another sign of her rejection, for his wife was unaware of what she was doing and obviously had been, at least partially in such a state since the incident…the attempted rape at her clinic by Mr. Gregory. With great difficulty, Sully swallowed his anger at the attempted rapist and tried to focus on the issue at hand, his wife's health. He knew that Michaela didn't need for Andrew to feel guilty or for Sully to feel the need for revenge. She needed medical help for the condition that Sully could see was only growing worse.

"That don't matter now, Andrew. What matters is Michaela's health. What's happenin' to her now? Why is she like this?"

Andrew swallowed his guilt and tried to put on a brave face for his father-in-law as he began his diagnosis, "Medically, I would have to say that Michaela is suffering from a severe panic attack coupled with a mental breakdown of some kind. Her heart beat is dangerously fast and irregular and that could become a serious medical issue if it goes untreated for much longer so I will give her Digitalis to slow its rate and even its rhythm. Her breathing is also too heavy and irregular for my comfort, but there is little we can do in that regard since there is nothing physically wrong with her lungs, the only way to deal with it is to coax her to breath slower and that will be a long process, considering her state at the moment, but it is imperative that we try. Non-medically, Sully, I have to be honest with you, based on what I see in Michaela's exam and what I know of your situation, I would have to say that Michaela is indeed dying…dying of an catastrophic overload of emotions. Whether she lives is up to you and you alone."

Sully's own heart stopped as he realized his own diagnosis at the camp had been correct and that his dream may in fact come true.

* * *

Michaela had been screaming his name for hours, screaming it at the top of her lungs as though someone were beating her Sully thought, and then he realized the truth: someone had beat her. He'd seen the top of the bruise when Andrew had pulled down her camisole to examine her after Sully had brought her into the clinic. That had been hours ago, and yet she was still screaming, screaming as though someone were killing her and she couldn't escape. Sully had tried a hundred times or more in those hours to convince his wife of her surroundings and of the fact that he was indeed there with her, determined not to let any harm come to her ever again. Though he'd been nervous at first, Andrew had suggested that he hold her, stroke back her hair, talk softly to her as though they were still the happy couple that they'd once been. At first the soft reassurances had come haltingly, his lips so used to being restrained in their efforts to say such words to her, but his heart seemed to know that it was free now and it reveled in the opportunity to try and reassure Michaela of its love. Despite Sully's best attempts at comfort, however, the screaming had continued until Andrew had advised that Sully leave the room while he gave Michaela something to calm her. Sully had refused and had watched as Andrew injected her with a drug that only promised them a slim chance of helping them regain the same Michaela again. As he sat by the bed now holding her hand and stroking her hair softly as she slept in a heavy drug-induced haze, he wondered what she was experiencing within her dark tunnel and only wished he was there with her to make her see the light at the end of it. 

Michaela was in a dark tunnel. In her dreams and her hallucinations, she had been reliving the time that she'd spent alone after she told Sully that nothing had happened. She remembered the look of defeat on his face as he finally accepted that she was going to tell him nothing of what had been done to her and was not going to let him take care of her and the children the way he sensed she'd needed him to after what had happened. She could still remember his words as they echoed in the tormented halls of her mind.

"**Michaela, please talk to me," he had entreated, all rancor from their previous arguments gone.**

"**Talk to you about what, Sully? I'm fine. I keep telling you that, but you won't believe me. Perhaps you want me to play the damsel in distress, but I don't need to, Sully. I'm fine…just fine. Now leave me. I'll pick up the children from the mercantile, but I would prefer you didn't come to the homestead tonight. It's too hard to have you around me all the time, especially if you think something's wrong with me. There is nothing wrong and I couldn't hate anything more than you hovering over me at the dinner table watching me like a hawk."**

'**A hawk,' Sully thought, 'What an auspicious symbol for her to use at such a time. Her heart knows I love her, I just have to keep trying,' he told himself, not willing to give up. "Michaela, I wanna come to dinner. I told you before, I want to be there for you and the children always. I made mistakes in the past, but you need me right now. Somethin' terrible's happened. Why can't you just accept that?"**

"**GET OUT!" she shouted. "I don't know why you seem not to understand that phrase, Sully. Nothing is wrong. I will take care of our children. GET OUT AND DON'T COME BACK!"**

**Sully realized he'd lost the battle and with one last attempt to pull her into his arms, an attempt that was violently rebuked. He cued Wolf to follow him and left the clinic for the lean-to. **

**When he had left Michaela moved over to the chair behind her desk and put her arms around body, hugging herself close. For a moment she sat without making a sound, she herself stunned at the force with which she had rebuffed her husband. She then began to sob and scream, screams that were at once so primal as to be almost unnatural and sobs that were so heavy she could barely breath. She didn't care now about alerting the townsfolk, although she knew that if she screamed for too long she would embarrass herself further in front of the town and they would start to wonder if she deserved the stature of a respected doctor or if she was rather more suited for the role of the town psychotic. If they'd only known what had happened. If they did she was sure then that neither one of those title would hold a candle to Town Adulteress or Harlot. **

**She wanted to tell Sully everything, for everything to be as it was between them. She wanted it more than she'd ever wanted anything in her life and yet she felt somehow that by admitted to him what happened, she would be driving the final nail into the coffin that held her marriage and there would be nothing left to do with it that see it buried and forgotten. If she told Sully what happened, she would be admitting that Mr. Gregory was right and she would be proving to him what she had known about herself for months now. She was a whore and had invited his advances. Perhaps he had even been right in saying that she had set a bad example for Katie. She couldn't live with anybody knowing this because no one would understand. Everyone would blame her. After all, she was at fault and she didn't want Katie to have any more reason to look at her mother with disgust. She couldn't shame her family for something she had provoked. She just couldn't let them know because they would want to be there for her to defend her and she couldn't let them stand by such an unlovable and unrespectable woman. **

**Overwhelmed by her own grief and depression, Michaela numbly stood and walked to the door, taking a deep shuddering breath before opening it and running to the general store where she knew Loren and Dorothy were occupying Katie and the twins. Moments before Sully had come to see Michaela, she'd asked that Dorothy leave and go tend to her children. Michaela saw that Dorothy was reluctant but knew that her friend understood her well enough to know that if pushed Michaela would only go further into denial and perhaps over the edge of sanity, as Michaela guessed that s Dorothy saw how precariously her friend was holding onto sanity and that the older woman feared that trying anything to comfort her which would push past Michaela's own line of emotional boundary would only exacerbate the problem.**

**Entering the general store, Michaela spotted her children. Katie was sitting on the floor drawing a picture under the gaze of a concerned and loving Loren, whom the little girl called Grandpa. He seemed to be watching Katie intently for any signs of trauma and yet Michaela saw that the older man was also trying to feign interest in the little girl's drawing which Katie was describing in a whisper as she went along. Michaela could sense, even from a distance, that Katie was disturbed, but she didn't have the energy to comfort the little girl and so she let her remain in Loren's care. Michaela then glanced over to Dorothy who was busy tending to the twins and trying to calm their cries of agitation. Michaela guessed that in their own small way, Charlotte and Josef were also traumatized by the jostles and harsh tones they'd experienced when she have been accosted by Mr. Gregory, but she was too overwhelmed by the needs of the babies to feel comfortable going to them in such a state. She couldn't be of any use to them. She couldn't protect them or Katie and since everyone had been too preoccupied to notice her as she stood in the doorway, she convinced herself that it would be better to leave Katie and the twins here as they would be under the watchful eyes of people much more capable respectable than she was at the moment or, as she thought about it, she realized that they were more of those things than she had ever been. Her babies were better off not having to stand by a mother who would only bring them shame and who had caused with her wantonness a broken marriage and the attention of another man, and so she left her children, slipping out of the doorway of the Mercantile and into the morning shadows as quickly as she had come. Mechanically, she walked back to the clinic, climbed into the wagon and slowly rode away toward the homestead. **

**Inside the Mercantile, Katie stopped drawing long enough to look up at her grandfather and ask with big sad eyes and a quivering lip, "Grandpa, where's Mama? And what did the man do to her?"**

**Loren was taken aback by the question, but he couldn't refuse the eyes of the little girl who had become as much his granddaughter as Hannah would have been, nor could he stop the worry from tightening in his throat at the thought of what Michaela, the woman he considered his daughter, might be thinking, feeling and going through at the moment. Dorothy had told him in hushed tones that Michaela had refused to speak to her about the incident when she had visited the clinic, but that Sully was dues to arrive with Matthew at the clinic soon after she left. This, however, did not calm Loren's uneasy sense of foreboding as he knew that Sully and Michaela were near the brink of divorce and that the man who had become like a son to him may not have been able to keep him from losing yet another daughter. He swallowed hard and tried his best to smile as he answered Katie's question.**

"**You're Aunt Dorothy said your mama was alright and that the man who took her had been taken off to jail by Robert E. She'll be along soon. Until then, I'll stand right by ya and watch ya as ya finish coloring your pretty picture. How's that?"**

"**Okay, Grandpa," Katie said with the biggest smile she could muster, although Loren could see that her lip was trembling beneath the pasted smile.**

"**That's Grandpa's girl" Loren said, bending to kiss Katie on the cheek before locking eyes with Dorothy across the room, who was busily trying to calm the hungry twins. **

"**Loren, " she said above the mounting wails, "They're hungry and Michaela's not back yet. What should we do?"**

"**I got some new kinda bottles in the back room and some formula we could give 'em"**

"**Loren, you know how Michaela feels about formula," Dorothy said, shocked that he would even suggest such a thing.**

"**I know, Dorothy," he said, trying to keep the mood light for the sake of the children, "but we're not sure when their Ma's gonna be back and you know that she'd want us to do the best we can by her children until she can care for 'em again." Loren's meaning went deeper than just proposing a fix for the current situation for he'd seen Michaela in the doorway, seen the emptiness in her eyes and the sullenness that pervaded her body and had known that it would be a long time before she would be able to care for her children the way she wanted to, care for them in a way that was better than leaving them in the care of others while she sorted things out and while she and Sully found the connection their hearts were missing.

* * *

**_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

**When Michaela reached the homestead she had slowly climbed down from the wagon, bracing herself for the pain she would feel in her chest and torso when she hit the ground. Bracing herself proved to be not nearly enough, as she had to bite back a full-forced scream when her feet touched the ground and jostled the rest of her form. **

**When she was finally able to release the tension in her muscles and breathe again, she approached the homestead door and stared at the stained glass window for a moment, wondering how she had come to have such a husband as to let her have a beautiful stained glassed window that he could not afford. She realized with a pang that she had pushed him into buying it and that that was probably one of the many experiences which had lead him to hate her as much as he did now. Without thinking, she had stuck her hand out and balled it into a fist, punching through the stained glass window and shattering it into sharp pieces that fell to the porch floor. She had looked at them and realized that they symbolized a continuation of the crack in the mirror in the bedroom. Their marriage was slowly shattering because of her actions and the woman she was. At first, it had only begun to crack at the most intimate parts of its core, but now it stood as plainly shattered as the stained glass window, a window which was unique and could never be replace or rebuilt no matter how hard the finest craftsman tried. She stared down at the glass and at the blood slowly seeping from the cuts on her hand and smiled an unnerving smile of self-deprecation and utter despair.**

**Colleen had heard the shattering of glass and hurried to see what had broken. Opening the door she had seen her mother staring down with a shocked expression at the shattered remnants of what Colleen recognized as the stained glass window.**

"**Ma!" she had exclaimed, "What happened? Your and Pa's window! Are you hurt?" Doctor and daughter were fighting for control of Colleen's mind as she quickly scanned her mother for any signs of injury.**

"**No, no, I'm fine and I don't know what happened. It just…fell." Michaela had half known she was lying but truth and lies had been starting to blend together and the doctor within her had known that she was slipping further and further away from sanity, but she had refused to tell Colleen what she was feeling even though the young woman was a doctor and could possibly help to snap her out of it before she had become oo far gone. In truth Michaela hadn't wanted to tell Colleen. She hadn't wanted Colleen to rob her of the chance to escape, to be free, to fall into the world of unknowing and unfeeling, where no shame would dare haunt her for she would not be able to distinguish its presence among her other hallucinations and so as Colleen had insisted upon examining her, she had smiled and come inside, letting her daughter be the doctor and she the patient, having known that Colleen would be too distracted by the task of looking over her physical form to notice her mental stability slipping away. **

**Colleen had made a quick assessment of her mother and had realized that she would have to have Brian sweep up the glass and then fetch Andrew because Colleen herself did not have fine enough suturing thread to stitch up the wound and the young woman had also known that her mother didn't carry it with her either. Secretly, Colleen had also desired to have someone else sew up her mother's wounds so she could keep an eye on the injuries deeper than the ones that Colleen had been able to see. Colleen had also sensed in some unconscious way that these hidden wounds would prove to be her mother's undoing if help in the form of another man beside Andrew wasn't administered quickly or effectively enough.

* * *

**

**After Andrew had come to stitch up her wounds, Colleen had forced Michaela to go to bed and rest. By now it was late afternoon and Michaela had been able to feel that the undisclosed pain in her body which she had tried valiantly and successful to hide from Andrew was overwhelming her, making her mind even more fuzzy and dark than it had been when she'd entered the house. She had thought of Katie, the twins, Brian, Colleen, Matthew and Sully and wondered whether their lives would be better off if she disappeared, taking with her the reality of the assault, Mr. Gregory's words, her failings as a wife and mother and Sully's departure. Memories lost along with the woman who only seemed to bring trouble and pain to her family a family who had had to bear the weight of the burden she was. Yes…perhaps it would be easier if she had never existed, but she couldn't do anything about that now. All she had been able to do was make herself vanish, starting with her toes and working her way up to her mind and her memories. This decided, she had concentrated on fading into nothingness one part at a time, first her toes had disappeared, then her legs, then her arms, her torso, her chest, her neck, her head and finally her mind. But try as she might, she could not erase her memories or her heart and these things had set out for the woods in the dark of night to find the one who would stand by her as she searched for a way to make the rest of herself reappear.**

Sully couldn't stand it any longer. She had been screaming throughout the night since the drug had worn off, so that now, no matter what he did, held her close, gave her distance, talked to her or remained silent, she simply screamed his name and clutched the air as though she were searching for something which included him, he was certain, but was something more than just himself. In an attempt to meet his wife's needs and to convey his love, he thought about the repetitive routines she went through while screaming. She would first clutch the air wildly, her fingers grasping like claws onto something only she could see and it was at these times that if Sully was near she would grab him and momentarily quiet herself as though pacified by his presence. Moments later, however, she would return to calling his name and tracing her own bodily connection to her before searching wildly again for something more, Sully pondered want he had seen a while longer before it dawned on him what he wife was searching for.

About ten p.m, after he had been to visit the children, tucking the smallest into beds kept for them at Grace and Robert E's and securing the godparent's commitment to watch over and feed Katie and Charlotte and Josef for a few days, he had made a decision. He explained to the older children his realization and somehow, even in their continued anger, they could see that Sully was the only person who could help their ma get back what she needed to be whole again. Whether they would let him continue to be near their mother one she was well or whether Colleen and Matthew would let him into their hearts again were issues ro be settled when Michaela healed. What mattered now was that Sully had an idea of how to keep them from losing their mother,.

From his observations of his wife earlier, Sully had realized that Michaela desired to find the part of herself that was connected to Sully, that fused them as a unit, as a partnership, as a soul. She needed him to stand by her as they found themselves again because as she'd one told him, "Hawks mate for life." Sully now understood that this further meant that one hawk's spirit cannot soar without being entwined with the spirit of its mate. Thus, under the watchful and worried eyes of Matthew, Colleen, Brian, Loren and Dorothy, Sully picked up his heartsong and set out on a journey which he knew they would only survive if they learned to start to trust and love one another again and faced it together.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _

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	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

As Sully cantered toward the campsite, he wondered whether Michaela would remember why he had chosen it or even if she would understand that she was with him at all. As they hurried along, he momentarily leaned down to kiss her temple as she leaned against him. He was certain that this was the right thing to do, even though Andrew had begged him not to take her from the clinic in such a perilous condition.

Sully surveyed the landscape and tried to remember where they had put it so many years ago. After a few moments, he located a spot that seemed eerily familiar. He didn't recognized it consciously, but he felt a pang of familiarly course through him as he gazed upon it, a small clearing nestled in the bleak land of the rock face that they had climbed so many years earlier when getting away from Harding's men, after they had collected the poisonous water sample. "Yes", he thought to himself, this was exactly where he needed to put the lean-to. This is where they had learned to trust each other, learn to rely on one another as one does a partner of the spirit and where they felt the first sparks of attraction, and maybe even love. Sully remembered the feel of Michaela's hand is his that night as if it were yesterday. She'd been so timid in reaching out to him, and so her hand, searching for his, had been tentative, and yet needy, as though it was searching for a safe place from which to draw strength. Now, as he looked at his wife sitting against him even more snuggly, she having fallen into a fitful sleep moments after he checked on her the last time, he thought about how he was going to get her to reach out to her again.

Slowly, he stopped his horse's movement and reached to take Michaela into his arms as he dismounted. She was still crying out for him softly in her sleep and each cry made him feel all the more guilty for all he had done under false pretenses since he'd read the letter. As he held his wife, she snuggled against him, as if she was unconsciously afraid of being left alone and he treasured the feel of her momentary trust because he also knew that if she had recognized him. she would have feigned some excuse to put as much distance between them as she could.

He gently laid her on the ground, wrapping her in the blanket that he'd brought along with them in effort to keep her warm and to ensure that she wouldn't thrash about and hurt herself on the sharp rocks that littered the ground in this unstable territory. After he had finished this task, he looked at her once more to make sure that she was as comfortable as he could make her before setting about the task of gathering the materials for the lean-to. He tried to stay as close as he could to the camp, only venturing out of sight from his wife when it was absolutely necessary to gather larger sticks, a pile of which he had seen behind their campsite. No matter where he went, however, he still heard her calls, weak and hoarse cries for safety, security and peace, It was as if she was alone somewhere, in a place no one could reach and all she wanted was him, but was too confused to see him, the oasis at the end of the desert. Analyzing his metaphor further, Sully realized that, perhaps, on some level she did realize he was there, but thought he might be a mirage, one that would disappear as soon as she relied on its existence. He had know men on his travels that had been in the army so long during the Civil War that even though they were at home now, they still believed that they were dreaming, and refused to attach themselves to the present for fear that they would wake up and be starved of the comfort that they so desperately desired. Was that to be Michaela's fate, Sully didn't know, but thought spurred him on and he continued to build the lean-to now constructing it at an even quicker pace.

* * *

An hour and a half later, the lean-to had been built and rain had begun to fall, much like on the night that he and Michaela had spent there before they were courting. Sully quickly went to his wife and lifted her into his arms, along with the blanket, carefully wiping away the sprinkles of rain that had dotted her face after she had fallen asleep a half an hour into Sully's building of their shelter. Once underneath the structure, Sully set down his wife gently, and then slowly lowered himself to sit down beside her. 

Once settled, he reached over and stroked Michaela's hair back from her forehead, noticing that she was still drenched in sweat and hyperventilating, even after digitalis and laudanum that Andrew had given her at various points throughout the night before. The young doctor had had to be careful not to give his colleague the medicines too close together as he feared such a combination would prove lethal to Michaela in a healthy state, not to mention in the state she was in now. Before Sully had taken Michaela, Andrew had, however, trusted Sully's ability to read Michaela's needs enough to give the mountain man some of both medicines to take with him on their trip, showing Sully exactly how much of each to give his wife if her symptoms warranted them. Looking down at his wife in her present condition though, Sully wasn't sure if he had the stomach for giving her the potent drugs and he doubted Andrew's faith that he would know when she needed them and when she could fight the battle with her demons on her own.

"Michaela," he said softly as she began to whimper once again for him. She wasn't screaming for him now, but rather whimpering, like a hurt puppy and that frightened him all the more. "I'm here Chaela, you're safe. No one will hurt you, again. Not even me, I promise I'll never hurt you the way I did again and I'll try never to hurt you at all, if I can help it. Though I know no one can be perfect, I want to be for you."

Michaela made no sound in response to his assurances other than to continue her whimpering, but after a moment, she suddenly rolled toward Sully and snuggled against his side like she hadn't done in months. She pressed so tightly against him that Sully was uncomfortable, not because he didn't relish the affection, but because she seemed to desperate to reassure herself, even subconsciously that he loved her and the thought that she didn't know it broke his heart for what seemed like the thousandth time in the last 48 hours. Abandoning his reservations, he slid down to lie next to her. He put his arm around her and cuddled her even closer, content to lie there and silently reassure his wife with his touch that he would never again leave her. He tried to undo the damage of the moment the twins were born by again whispering the three words Michaela no longer believed, "I love you."

Sully fully expected Michaela to remain silent or respond to his words by moving away, her actual reaction startled and worried him further. Without a word, Michaela stopped cuddling with Sully and began to caress him, slipping her hand inside the material of his shirt and rubbed her hands sensuously over his warm skin. Sully's body began to respond to her advances, but his mind knew that reacting to her enticements would only feed her insecurities and make her further believe that she was cheap and of no morals. Mr. Gregory had almost succeeded in raping her and Sully knew that this attempt to have sex with him, for her moments were too hurried and reflexive to be called attempts to make love, was most likely her way of acting out the degradation that was her attacker's attempted rape.

He could not however, help but react when she slowly moved to lay over him, arousing him in ways that he could not biologically control. As he was attempting to slow his pulse and gain control of the situation, he felt her slipping his shirt from inside of buckskins and attempting to slip his shirt over his head. He tried to stop her, but she was too quick for him as she continued her touches and kisses with almost animalistic intensity. She began to kiss him, first on the lips, then on the neck and chest and finally on his torso. Sully would have had no chance to respond to the kisses if he felt right about it, however, as she quickly moved from one spot to another. as if she didn't expect to receive pleasure in return for what she gave. Gone were the languished and loving kisses that lasted for as long as they could make them. Gone were his wife's whispered terms of endearment and enjoyment that he had come to expect and enjoy when they made love. She was behaving now as if she were a servant.

Suddenly, she raised up and captured his lips tightly with her own, slipping her tongue in between his lips in a sort of choking passion that left Sully no longer aroused, but instead rather terrified. He could tell by the way that she grimaced as she kissed him and the way her eyes closed tighly as she moved over him that she was forcing herself to do this for what she thought was his enjoyment. She didn't want to do this now. It was almost as if she was steeling herself for the inevitable and forcing him to go past the point of no return and thus, forcing him to violate her as well. As carefully as he could, he pushed her off of him, laying an arm out beside him to catch her as she fell away from him, still desperately trying to undo his buckskins with pained urgency as though she desired to complete the violation and have her fears of being a whore realized in Sully's mind. As her husband's gentle maneuvering of her body ended, she found herself in his arms again. safely beside him with nothing expected of her and no demands placed upon her.

The fog in her mind lifted momentarily as she realized she was with Sully, the one man who, even after everything that had happened between them, still desired to hold her more than to be with her for his own pleasure. She still wasn't sure if he loved her, but she wanted to believe desperately that his hold was real and that he had refused her advances not because he didn't want her, but because he respected that she was in pain and merely needed love rather than to be making love. Some part of her now realized that he did love her and always would cherish her the way a soul mate loves his partner. Her mind began to understand that though he'd said that he didn't love her, he didn't mean the words any more than she had meant them when she's said them to him She also truly couldn't imagine divorcing him and the rational part of her mind now knew that she had come up with the idea in order to build up a wall around herself.

Her mind was still foggy and her heart was still unable to open itself fully to him, but as she drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the emotional drain that her body had been through since the day before, she did look him in the eyes and tried to communicate silently how much she wanted him not to go, not to actually stop loving her, and not to stop holding her or when she had healed fully from the birth of the twins and the trauma that Mr. Gregory had put her through, connecting with her body and soul as only Sully had and no other man ever would.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

The next morning Sully awoke knowing that that day would be a long one. Michaela almost seemed ready to talk and he knew that she would need him to listen rather than speak when the time came. He also knew though that he would have to be the one to push her enough that she would crack, not in the mental sense, for he couldn't stand seeing her as she was that night at the lean-to. No, he meant for her to crack in a way that would force her façade to crumble and for the vulnerable Michaela underneath to seek his solace, comfort, and love. He decided that he'd take the process slowly, but that he would began immediately when she awoke, as he knew this was the day that her healing would began. He knew this as surely as if the spirits had told him and as he faced his sleeping wife, he pondered whether they might have done just that in a way only they knew.

As his wife yawned and stretched in his embrace, he looked down at her and spoke quietly and soothingly, "Mornin' Chaela, sleep well? I bet you're awful tired. You can keep sleepin' if you want. I'm not goin' anywhere." Michaela didn't respond, but Sully could see she was more alert now and that the haziness and panic that had clouded the sparkle in her eyes had cleared. He feared that with this new clarity, she might attempt to put some distance between them as she'd been doing since he returned home, but when she made no move to do so, he knew that his suspicions had been right and that that day was in fact the day to begin the cleansing of both their souls.

Cautiously Michaela spoke to her husband, ashamed of her actions the night before, but knowing somewhere in her heart that Sully would not bring them up until she did and even then, she knew he would be gentle and respectful of what had been an uncharacteristic and desperate moment. "Good morning, Sully," she said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. She was suddenly nervous to be this close to him, and yet it was not the same kind of saddening nervousness that had plagued her for months, but rather the flickers of the old excitement that had always been so potent between them, which caused the nerves that she now felt. She wasn't ready to give her heart fully to him again, and yet she felt as though she was on the verge of being able to see herself opening it slightly to him and starting to rebuild. Part of her though still urged caution as she still didn't know whether to believe that he really loved her and why he had left so suddenly and with such harsh words of rebuke.

There were also the children to consider, both young and old. They were all hurting and Michaela had to be careful around Sully because she was weary of anybody who could stand to hurt any of her children, no matter how old they were. Slowly she slid out of his embrace and stepped out of the lean-to and toward the small clearing near the campsite.

Sully made no move to follow her, as he knew that she was she was going to use the restroom and dress and would feel safe doing so this class to him only if he respected her need to be alone.

He knew that she would need this time to think through her own emotions and he also knew instinctively that she was weighing the children's opinions against her own feelings about him. It was almost too much to bear, thinking that Michaela was starting to come around, but that the relationship he had all but ruined with his children might still keep them apart.

He vowed that when he got his wife safely well and home, he would speak to his two older children about all the pain he caused them. Matthew seemed angry and hurt, but there were something sensitive about him that Sully knew he could reach. Colleen seemed to have built a wall around herself and Sully wasn't sure that even he, the man that had begun to break through the girl's mother's wall, could break the young woman out of her anger. Colleen was so much like Michaela, even if they didn't share blood and Sully knew that if he couldn't repair things with Michaela, Colleen would be that much harder to convince of his love. Shaking these thoughts out of his head, Sully realized he had to think positively and he had to take action. Knowing that sufficient time had passed for his wife to use the restroom and dress, he looked around for where she might have retreated.

Stepping out of the lean-to, he followed his wife's tracks until he came to a small clearing not far from where he'd dug a hole to use as a latrine. There he found his wife sobbing uncontrollably while sitting on the hard ground, a light rain pelting both of them as he took in the sight of her face, once again streaked with tears. "Michaela?" he asked tentatively, not knowing where to begin.

"Sully," she said in between sobs, "I wish, I want, I feel, I lo—."

For a moment Sully thought she was slipping back into psychosis, but her next words reassured him.

"I don't know how Sully, I want to trust you, I need to trust you, But how do I know that you're not going to leave me and the children again? I want you to hold me, Sully, but I can't let you. I'm too scared and being scared frightens me. I don't like giving myself to people because they can hurt me, Sully, and you hurt me. I don't know how to believe you again when you tell me you love me and the thought that I may never believe it, hurts me even more than anything you could have ever said. Help me, Sully. I can't do this on my own. I need you to promise me you'll be here. I need you, and only you."

Sully had never heard his wife be this honest about her needs for him and her request simultaneously filled him with love and guilt all at the same time. He swallowed the lump in his throat and thought about his next words. "We're gonna stay her for a while, Michaela. I don't know how much you remember, but Grace and Robert E. have the twins and Katie and Colleen, Matthew, and Brian are at the homestead along with Andrew. They're helping look after their brother and sisters and keeping the house safe until I bring ya home. You and me though Michaela, we're gonna have to take a journey, a journey only we can take and we gotta take it together if we're gonna get back the parts of ourselves that were lost when we spilt our hearts and spirits apart. I want what you want, Michaela. I will never forgive myself for all that I said to you, for the lie I told you, because that's what it was, a lie, nothing more. I shouldn't of left, I know that now and I also know that knowing it now does nothing for the pain you felt when you were alone and pregnant or when Mr. Gregory assaulted you. I can promise you now, Michaela, that if you're willing to take the journey with me, we'll make it. We'll help each other and we'll help the wounds heal. I brought you here because this is the place where you first trusted me with your care and love. And I know this is the place where we need to be"

Michaela nodded and smiled, remembering very well the night they'd spent at this very site before they were courting. Slowly she looked into Sully's eyes and gave him a soft smile of understanding, knowing that her husband's understanding of her heart has led him to bring her here. This was indeed the place where she first learned to trust him with an innocence and completeness that formed the core of their bond and made possible the relationship that they thought would never die. She realized with a slight upturn of her mouth that it was possible that their relationship still had not died and that if they were both willing to make a try to unlie the lies, not forget them, but retell them so that the truth was known and so that they were held captive no longer by the walls they built to protect themselves from one another, the walls they had built to keep themselves separate from their soul mate, their union might have a chance.

Without expressly saying so, Sully had asked her to trust him, to try again to soar as a pair, and she would accompany him on the journey as best she could. She hoped that that would be enough. As if he'd asked her directly, she softly whispered, "I'll try to fly with you again, Sully, to find the missing piece of you within me and me within you, but I'm afraid to do it alone. Please don't ask me to. Please stand by me."

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Sully stood speechless, trying to absorb the most direct statement of emotions and needs that he'd _ever_ heard from his wife in all the time that they'd be friends and a couple. She was literally begging him to be there for her and the urgency and desperation in her voice broke his heart. He didn't know how to respond, however, since anything he could think of to do would be inadequate.

Michaela watched her husband take in what she'd just said and grew fearful when he did not reply or move toward her. She felt foolish for telling him what she'd really felt, and yet she'd honestly felt that he desired the same thing she did. With renewed anguish in her heart, she moved to turn away from him, eyes closed, and lip trembling. As she did so, however, she felt a hand on her shoulder, gently urging her to turn around again. She followed the hand's gentle pressure and turned to face her husband, who looked at her with an amount of love that hadn't been present in his eyes for a such a long time that she thought she was imagining it. Abandoning her reservations, she quietly beseeched him, "Hold me, Sully. Make it go away. Make it all a horrible nightmare." Sully took her into his arms and held her close for a moment before speaking.

"I would if I could, 'Chaela, I would give my life to take your pain away, especially the pain that I caused, but I can't and for that I'll always feel guilty. I can, however, do just what you asked and stand by you while we get through it together, just like we tested that water together, jumped off that cliff together, had Katie and the twins alone in the woods together. We will get through this, together," Sully said, his voice strong with love and conviction.

"Sully," Michaela whispered, still buried deep in his chest, "Why did you say it? Did you mean it? Even for a minute? How could you? You know how hard it was for me to let myself love you." Her voice slowly became tinged with anger as her questions mounted. "Why didn't you send word? Why didn't you care how I felt?"

Sully opened his mouth to respond to her pained questions, but before he could, she pulled herself violently out of his grasp as she uttered the next accusing inquiry, "Why didn't you care about anybody but yourself? Just once, Sully, why didn't you talk to me when you were upset? Why did you just make the decision on your own without consulting me, without seeking my side of the story? Why didn't you act like you were married to me? I know, because marrying me was just something you wanted to do until you got tired of it, right? Then you figured you could just decide one day to stop loving me and I'd be fine with that, because of course, I have no emotions. I don't show them, so of course they don't exist. Is that what you thought, Sully? Well, they _do_ exist and I thought you said that it was okay for me to express them, especially to you. Well I'm expressing them now, Sully, and after all that's happened, perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps I don't want to take the journey with you. Perhaps there is no quest left for us to take. Go away, Sully! Go away and never come back! I'll find my way home, back to MY children and I'll explain to them how their father made me lose my senses for a moment, but that I promise I will never let him close enough to hurt me or them, again."

Sully was taken aback by his wife's change in mood, but rather than be deterred by her repeated attempts to make him turn away from her, he vowed to persist harder in getting her to open up to him. "Michaela," he said, his voice commanding, but gentle, "I'm not leavin' ya. You can push me away, but I'm not goin' and the harder you push me away, the more rigidly I'm gonna stand here. The only way you can get me to go away is by talkin' to me and even then I'm only goin' away to start breakfast. We're spendin' the next couple days together whether you like it or not and we're gonna get back what you said you wanted, but only if ya help."

Michaela remained silent for a moment, absorbing her husband's words before she abruptly turned her back on him. Sully knew that this motion meant that she was letting him know she wouldn't respond to him if he insisted upon staying with her, but he also knew this was the right thing to do. And so, he remained standing there for the next three hours. During the time Michaela never so much as moved a muscle and she remained silent as well, deciding that two could play at this game and that Sully would never force her to do anything she wasn't ready to do. She had thought that she was ready to forgive Sully, to start on the journey towards healing and yet, as she sat in his arms all those hours earlier, she had begun to feel her anger rise up again with a vengeance. Now she bit her tongue to keep from saying the four words that she knew would cause irreparable damage to her marriage. Little did she know, they were the four misinterpreted words that had started the terrible nightmare she wished to end.

As she wandered deeper into the woods, Michaela begin to think that perhaps she wanted too much. Sully was a wanderer, he had proved it time and time again, though she loved him and knew he loved her, it was possible that this wasn't enough and that they were, in fact, too different just as she had feared. " Was it fair to keep Sully so tied to her when his spirit needed to soar. What little she remembered from her breakdown convinced her that the pain had gone too deep on both sides and that to be realistic about the reality of the pain Sully had caused her a nd the freedom he so obviously needed, she would have to be the one to end it. Resignedly, she turned and started back to the lean to, knowing that in the morning she would have to face her husband and then begin preparing for her trip to Boston. Though she knew this would cause the children pain, she needed to give herself the freedom to examine the ruins of her life and to Sully the chance to see if a life without the constant presence of the family he now seemed not to ever have wanted was the freedom he desired.

Ultimately, the children would benefit from parents who could stand by their choices in life. Of course, she knew that Sully would disapprove of her decision, but she had to stand firm, This wasn't about chivalry any longer, it was about two distant souls who could no longer pretend that love was enough, that was, if love even existed in Sully's heart anymore, or rather, if it ever had.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

"Sully," Michaela said quietly, hoping not to jolt her husband out of sleep if he was resting, but still needing to talk to him. Over the past week that they'd spent in the woods since her sojourn into the wilderness after their discussion, she'd been quiet, speaking Sully only when spoken to, and they'd passed most of the week in uneasy silence.

The night after their argument, Michaela had found Sully sitting in the same spot she had left him in, and upon her return he'd tried to talk to her, but she had been in too much turmoil. Hjer musings during her walk had convince4d her that there was only one thing to do for the sake of everyone involved, but she didn't know how to tell him and before she talked to him about what she felt they needed to do, she needed answers. She tried many times that week to ask him what she wanted to know, but the words just wouldn't come, somehow, though, she couldn't bring herself to tell him what her heart knew was best, not until she knew why.

"Hmmmmm?" murmured Sully sleepily. He'd noticed that Michaela had been more tense than usual all morning and if he weren't so nervous about every move he made, he would've tried to comfort her and probably cajole her into telling her what was on her mind Those tactics, however, had only worked in the past when they had been in love and on good times. Granted, he prayed to the spirits that they were still in love, but as for being on goods terms, he knew that there was little he could do at the moment to fix the rift between them. Michaela had snuggled him close every night in her sleep, something he doubted that she knew she was doing, because during the day she hardly said anything to him. Sully wondered if she just laid down next to him reflexively and snuggled him close because her subconscious worried about being alone rather than being without him. The thought that perhaps it wasn't her love that made her so affectionate with him broke his heart, and yet he didn't push her to declare her feelings for him. He realized that it'd been almost a month since he'd been home and that they hadn't kissed or held each other close, except in moments of extreme confusion or emotion on Michaela's part, moments that did not count as comfortable or endearing, but rather desperate and unnerving. Sully counted her habit of holding him at night now as one of those disturbing things that brought him no peace or joy, but only uneasiness and fear, as though they were a step between one shoe falling and the next shoe dropping without warning.

"I was just wondering," Michaela said tentatively. "I mean, I…I guess I've always wanted to know…I…I don't really understand. I don't see why…I…I can't even imagine, but why did you leave?" As soon as the words left her mouth, Michaela realized she didn't want to know because she could sense the reason would only cause her more pain than any moment so far in this incredible nightmare that had been, the time Sully had been away and back.

Sully swallowed hard, unprepared for and yet, expecting the question. "Michaela, I…I…I…"

"You what?" Michaela replied quietly and gently. "I'm listening, Sully. Don't be afraid."

"I got a lot to be afraid of. I don't wanna lose you."

"You won't lose me, Sully. Just tell me the truth. We can't get through anything, as long as…"

Sully cut her off. "I ain't so sure, Michaela, but if you really wanna know the reason, I'll tell ya, you deserve to know."

"I really do want to know, Sully. Perhaps knowing will help me understand and perhaps it'll help us both heal. For right now though, I just need to hear why."

It had been a long time since Sully had heard Michaela talk about them healing each other without his prompting and her loving and committed attitude bolstered his confidence as he began to speak. "I left because I read your note, the note you were plannin' to give me the mornin' I left."

"The note? Sully, wh--?"

"Yeah, the note, Michaela," he said, his voice breaking, the one where you were tellin' me how angry you were for my workin' so hard and how I wasn't there to protect you, and how you assumed that I thought that you didn't need me, or that you didn't want or need protection any more. The note that said that you assumed that I valued the Indians and the land over you and the children." Sully was yelling and crying now, trying desperately to get through his explanation before he completely broke down and felt like running again, running away from the truth of the matter because at that moment he had remembered what had really caused him to run away. The world stopped for a moment as he uttered the last sentence. "The letter where you were gonna end our marriage, the letter where you told me that you didn't love me."

"SULLY! I didn't write any letter to you. In fact, I wasn't clear what you were talking about until you started describing it. To be honest, that was a note to myself about all the things I wanted to say to you before you left."

"You wanted to tell me you didn't love me right before I left?

"No, Sully, I didn't say anything of the kind and if you knew me at all, you would know that I would never say anything to you like that." Michaela stopped for a moment before continuing, her voice outraged and filled with tears. "In fact, I remember writing that letter and I wanted to tell you that I love you no less than the day I fell in love with you for the first time. In fact, I loved you more and that's what your constant leaving hurt me. But you mean to tell me, Byron Sully, that after all those years of being in love, you really thought that I would tell you something that profound in a letter or that I would ever feel it at all and that you left our house, our home, our children's lives, my life, and broke my heart because of something you _thought_ you read in a letter that you _know_ I would never say from my heart, let alone my pen?"

"I'm sorry, Michaela, I…I…didn't …"

"You didn't what, Sully? You didn't know that you were my life? My soul? My everything? How could you do this to me?" She was sobbing now, new stabs of betrayal cutting her heart into small pieces, she felt as thought she could feel every knife stroke and at that moment she knew she had to sit down again.

Sully watched as she clutched her chest and began gasping for air, again, knowing that it was one of the nervous attacks Andrew had warned him about. He reached inside of his coat pocket, where he'd hidden the medicine. Miraculously it hadn't gotten crushed when the pole had impaled his arm. He pulled the medicine out with his good arm and ran toward his wife. "Michaela…'Chaela…it's gonna be alright. Just sit down and breathe."

"I…I," she gasped, not having any luck in slowing the affect of the hysteria.

"Shhhhhhh," he said gently, stroking her cheek and holding her close with his uninjured arm. "Just breathe, you're gonna be fine, I'm here and I'm never leavin' you again." Slowly, Sully felt her breathing and racing heart calm. Sully remained stroking her after that, however, hoping that just by his presence he could convey some comfort to the woman he loved more than life itself. After a few moments, he felt her gently disengage herself from his embrace and he turned to look into her eyes as she spoke haltingly, "I…want…a…" The tears flowed again as she mumbled the last word, then said it more clearly as she attempted to communicate through her sobs, "divorce."

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

Though Sully continued to stroke his wife's hair, he knew that she could feel his body stiffen. He didn't know quite how to react to her last pronouncement, as it had been the one thing that he had most feared when beginning the conversation and the one thing she had promised she would never do. Sully realized, however, that he had cut his wife off before she had been able to qualify her statement about the circumstances under which she would leave him and that perhaps his actions were those that fell under the unspecified category. Now, he wondered what to say, what to do, and what to feel as he tried to persuade his wife not to do the very thing that had theoretically been the impetus for his abandonment of his family. "'Chaela, you…you…you…don't mean that…you can't mean that. Why won't ya just realize I made a mistake? You're not lettin' this go, are ya? You're not ever gonna let this go?" He said that more to himself than to her.

"So I can be made a fool of again? Sully, I can't."

"I didn't mean it. I never did. I never should've said the words, Michaela. I've always loved you. I've never stopped, no matter what I said. It was just the fear and pain talkin'."

"You may think they were just words, Sully, but something happened here." She touched his chest, then her own and cut the air between them with her hand like a knife. "Our bond is broken, Sully. You don't say those words and expect our bond to ever be able to heal, especially when you said them without asking me about what you saw, and instead go around and read my writing, my personal writing."

"But Michaela, we've always shared personal things and we've always been there to comfort each other, to whisper loving words to one another." her husband said quietly

"Yes, Sully, we were and did and that's why I can't believe you would've ever thought I would say something like that to you in a letter without talking to you first and trying to remedy the problem. How could you say it to me with such venom in your voice as though I were a stranger? How could you, after all the things we've said to each other?"

"I meant all those things. I still do."

"That no longer matters, Sully. All that matters is what we decide is best; and what's best for me is to move on. I think it's best for you as well. We'll still have the children. I won't keep them from you. They love their father, and they need you in their lives, all six of them. I just think it best that we go our separate ways. Maybe our hearts and minds know us and our feelings better than we think we know ourselves and maybe they had you say those things and had you think that I said those things for a reason." Michaela's eyes were brimming with tears, but her voice was firm and decided, though her heart was breaking at the prospect of never seeing her soul mate again, at least not as her husband. She made up her mind then and there that once the divorce was final, she couldn't stay around Colorado Springs. Her practice was important to her, as were Dorothy, Grace, Robert E., and Loren, and she knew she would miss her older children terribly, but seeing Sully everyday and knowing the hurt he had caused would be too much, especially since she knew she still loved him and couldn't be without him, unless she wasn't reminded of him at all. She was vaguely aware that she would have to bring her youngest children with her when she went home and that their faces would remind her of her one true love each and every day, but she couldn't think about that now. She had to go.

For his part Sully was too overcome with pain to say anything. He could feel his heartsong slipping away from him and he had to swallow several times to keep from letting giant sobs rack his body. For he knew that if he cried, the one person who had always held him, besides his mother, would turn her back on him as he wept and he could not weep alone, especially not for the woman who was still right in front of him and yet so far away. Through his immense sadness, he realized that he would have to find the courage to fight, to beg, to plead with her to change her mind and to stay with him. "No, Michaela, you can't. Listen to me, don't ya hear what I'm sayin'? I love you."

"Sully that's not what you said when you went on your journey," she sarcastically quipped, "and that's what matters. All the things you said before that day were lies if you could say something like that without so much as a second thought, Then again, you always do things without thinking, like participating the Indian uprising, or how about when we were courting, with Catherine? You must've meant the kiss back then, too, I was just foolish enough to believe you when you said you were sorry then. Perhaps if I had not followed my heart, I wouldn't have been alone with four grieving children and pregnant with two more. You hurt me, Sully. I'm a doctor. People put themselves in my hands…they give themselves to me. They trust me. I'm not use to giving myself to anyone. I gave myself to you. I trusted you."

Sully remembered his wife's last words from when Catherine had come into town when they were first courting and it struck him that she was reverting back to the shell she had placed herself under after he had kissed the other woman or rather, he thought to himself, after Catherine had kissed him. He had never meant for anything to happen to his and Michaela's relationship then, but he had let confusion, doubt, and uncertainty cloud his judgment, and he'd pulled away from her then. Now he knew if he wanted to save the marriage that their relationship had become since then, he would have to try and show her that he wasn't willing to give up that easily anymore. "I'm sorry," he whispered quietly, trying to break her out of the spell and gently ease her into a discussion where he could possibly convince her to do something other than that which she had planned. Her next words stopped him in his tracks though, and he realized that no matter how hard he fought her mind was made up.

"I am, too…but I can't be with you right now."

Sully's anger overcame his pain and instead offering the acquiescence he had to the disillusion of the relationship over Catherine, he lashed out. "Stop replaying the past, Michaela, we're not courtin' anymore, we're married and that's how we're gonna stay! I love you, you love me, and that's all that matters. We can get through anythin'." His once strong and defiant voice had now broken and the last part of his sentence had been barely audible, but she'd heard it.

"I'm not replaying the past, Sully, I'm merely fixing the mistake I made the first time around. There is no us. There never should've been, after Catherine or before." After Michaela finished her sentence, she began to sob heavy sobs that racked her body and soul. " We're just too different, Sully. I should never have tried to change you."

"You didn't change me, Michaela. Any changes that I made within me were because your love inspired me to be a better man."

"Sully, you were a good man before, and I want us to part on good terms for the children's sake."

"Good terms, Michaela? Who are ya kiddin'? You're breakin' my heart, you're walkin' out on me and on our three older children, who, as you so carefully pointed out in my case, also still need their ma. You're breakin' your vows and you're denyin' your heart. Perhaps you're not the strong woman I thought I married or perhaps you're too strong for your own good. For once, think with your heart and not with your head. I thought you learned that your heart is where ya gotta lead from, else everything else gets to be too cold, too practical, too medical, but as ya keep remindin' me, you're a doctor and you can never let go of that, can you Michaela? Not even to show me how much you love me. Practicality always comes before love with ya. I thought you'd changed, but perhaps I was a fool to try and change ya."

"Perhaps we were both fools to let this relationship go on."

"Michaela," Sully said, his voice breaking from anger and hurt over everything she'd said and all that she'd done to strip their relationship away to nothing but lust between her and the heathen she had basically called him. "I don't know you. I thought I did, but maybe I don't and if this is who you really are, then I don't love you. I truly don't."

Michaela realized at that moment that the tone of his voice was different than when he said the words at the homestead months ago. The difference between the utterances were clear, Sully hadn't meant the first one, but he clearly meant this one and the totality of all that she'd lost hit her full force, but ever-ready to erect her shell against all that could hurt her, she vowed to be the last to speak. "Thank you for finally being honest, Sully," she said with an eerily pained smile. "It's always best to tell the truth and the truth is I don't love you, either, and I wish that we'd never had children together, never married, and never met." Without another word, she strode purposefully toward the horse they'd ridden to the campsite on, got into the saddle, and galloped away from the man she would soon make her ex-husband.

Sully could only stand there and watch, sorrow overcoming him in a grief so deep that even that which assailed him after Abigail and Hana's deaths could not match it. He felt like dying, in fact, the pain in his shoulder told him that he'd ripped the stitches and he thought seriously for a moment about slowly letting himself bleed to death. He'd promised Michaela, however, that no matter what happened in his life, he'd always be strong for their children. And so he set out for the house that he had built to honor his now shattered marriage and family, and prepared to face the repercussions of the one thing he never wanted to grant his wife, a divorce.

Sending a cry to the spirits in hopes that they would hear him and convey his message to Michaela and his children in a way he could not, he spoke" "I am sorry, nemehotatse." before bursting into tears

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Colleen sat alone in the in the front room of the homestead, trying to make sense of her emotions. She couldn't sleep, not since she'd been awoken by her father's voice saying "I am sorry, nemehotatse." She didn't know what it meant, but the way his voice sounded when she'd heard it had made tears spring to her eyes She was worried about her mother and truth be known, she was worried about her father too. She had seen the way he had behaved during her mother's break down and realized without a shadow of a doubt that her father and mother were still very much in love, but that her father's absence and the attack her mother had endured at the clinic had done severe damage to her mother's psychological state. Colleen worried that with things so unsettled between her ma and pa, her pa might not be the best person to leave Michaela alone with while she healed, and yet she alternately admired her pa's tenacity in insisting that he be the one to heal her. She knew that the couple shared a powerful connection that she and Andrew could only envy, although she loved her husband with all of her heart and he with all of his. Her parents had a connection and need for one another that was almost unexplainable to the unknowing stranger. It was something that she had noticed from the moment she had first spent time together with them and had really realized meant something that first Christmas when her pa had come to the homestead bearing gifts and her ma's face had lit up in a girlish blush. Even now while in the clinic she laughed at the memory. It was clear from the start that they were in love, even though they had known each other no more than two months. Her pa had a way of doing that to people. From the time Colleen was little, she had loved Sully and he was the best pa she could ever ask for, in fact, he was the only one she ever really had.

When she was four and Ethan had gone for the first time on some business venture and left her, Matthew, and Charlotte alone, she had cried because she had no pa to play with and hug, and she had cried even harder when at school they announced that there would be a father-daughter picnic one week at school. She hadn't known what to do. She knew that all the kids would make fun of her for not having a pa to go with if she showed up by herself, and yet picnics were always her favorite activity. They still were, if she was honest with herself. She loved the picnics that she and her ma and pa and Brian, Matthew, Katie, and Andrew had together as a family every Sunday, rain or shine. Back then though, she had dreaded that Sunday, knowing that without a pa this afternoon of fun would be nothing but tears and bad memories for her. When she had exited the church and made her way to the site where the class picnic was to be, she had felt dread clenching in her stomach. As she reached the site she glanced back at her mother and older brother and hoped that they would come rescue her from the awkward situation, but Charlotte merely smiled a small, sad smile and urged her with a wave of her hand toward her classmates. At the time Colleen had been angry with her mother for her nonchalance with regard to Colleen's pending humiliation, but looking back on it, Colleen had to thank her mother for knowing just the right thing to do and doing it.

As Colleen had reached, she was surprised to see Sully standing there waiting for her beside an empty picnic blanket and a basket filled to the brim with homemade food. He had embraced her without a word and motioned for her to sit on the picnic blanket beside him. She had understood from his actions that although he wasn't her pa, he was the closest thing she had to one, a friend whom she could count on and who would always be there for her, even if she never called him a father. Instinctively she had leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder, snuggling close and enjoying the warmth and security that he provided. In return he had wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head and smiling down at her. Though she was not one to say 'I love you' easily, mostly because of how many times she said it to her father already in her young life without any reply. She looked up at Sully from where her head lay and whispered just this once in the spirit of the day and the sentiment, "I love you, Pa."

Without hesitation he had looked into her eyes and said, "I love you too, Sweet Girl."

Colleen now smiled every time she heard Sully call Katie that. The name to her represented the first time the man she now considered to be the only father she wanted to remember had considered her a daughter and offered her fatherly love and protection. Though she hadn't called him pa anytime after that until after Katie was born, she had known that if she had needed him, she could always count on him. Perhaps, she thought with a chuckle, that's why she had had such a serious crush on him to the year she turned thirteen. Most girls had some sort of a crush on their father when they were very small and because he had not become a constant presence in her life until after her ma had moved to town, she reasoned that the crush made up for lost time.

She didn't, however, know what to do about her relationship with her father now. He had abandoned her mother, Matthew, Brian, Katie, and even herself and Andrew, for she still considered it abandonment even though neither she nor Matthew lived at the homestead any longer. After her graduation and Grandma Quinn's death, she and Andrew had considered setting up a clinic in Boston with the money that her grandmother had left them, but had decided that they would both much rather return to Colorado Springs and use the money for their clinic to add to the hospital that her ma was already building, because they both knew they had guaranteed jobs when it opened. Colleen had wanted to be closer to her parents, brothers, and sister, and Andrew had understood that.

Sully had offered to build them a homestead when they returned, an offer they graciously accepted, and during that time she had gotten to know her father in a different light. She had seen him as an architect and builder, and his skills impressed and awed her. He had built Colleen and Andrew a home of their dreams: a mix of Boston, classical style, and western modernism. It had been a second tribute to the love he had for his family, he had said, reminding Colleen that he had built the house that he and her ma lived in as a tribute to how much he had loved her ma and his children when he had married her mother, all those years ago. He had also said that his love had only expanded during those years and that he wanted the house to remind her and Andrew of how much he loved them as well. Of course Sully had not used these words exactly, for he was a man who had some difficulty expressing his love for his children, but the meaning was clear to Colleen's heart.

Now though, she didn't know what to think. Had he lied? Was he just trying to do what he thought people wanted him to do? Had she never been his daughter, his sweet girl? She didn't know how to trust him again and yet, he was her father, her pa and when she was younger, she had secretly thought of him in her heart as her papa. She had always wanted to tell him just how much she loved him, but now her heart hurt too much. Somewhere in her mind though, she knew that she would forgive him if he reached out to her at just the right moment and was able to prove that he wouldn't abandon her. After all, she was a doctor and her mother's daughter, and proof was the one thing she knew she could believe in.

As she sat there slowly drawn from the memory by the quickly approaching dawn, she couldn't help but feel a sense of foreboding. True, she angy with her father, but something about the way he said the phrase she had heard frightened her, it was as though something very precious has shattered n so many pieces that it would be impossible to put it back together and she could only hope that the precious item wasn't her family.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Two weeks later after her request of a divorce, Michaela stood packing her suitcases, the suitcases needed for her move to Boston. The papers had been signed and the children were ready for the journey; one look at Katie's solemn, tear-streaked face, however, that nothing about this would be easy for everything involved. Katie had been clinging to her father since her mother had announced their move the night she had returned home over supper. She tried to put it as amiably as she could, but all the children were shocked, and even the babies were agitated. Michaela could tell her three older children felt like she was abandoning them, and yet as she thought back to the night she'd made the announcement, she didn't know what else she could do to ease their pain or her own.

"**Sully and I have gathered you all here tonight because we have something to tell you," Michaela said, her eyes serious and sorrow-filled. **

**Still steeped in his own anger, but worried for his mother and if truth be known, for his father as well, Matthew quipped, "What? You're already married, you just had some babies, are ya havin' more?"**

**Michaela and Sully remained silent and their demeanor subdued Matthew as well as the rest of the family. **

**Michaela spoke again, her words coming haltingly, "Sully…your father…Papa…and I are getting divorced. I'm sorry, I can't think of a better way to tell you. I…I…know you're all going to be hurt over this, but I really feel that it might be for the best and I don't want you to think that any of this has anything to do with how much we love all of you, because it doesn't. We will always be your mother and father, whether we're together or not." Michaela finished speaking, the last few words said in a rush, as though by saying them quickly, she could prevent them from being countered and from hurting her further. After a few moments of silence, she turned to Sully for confirmation and waited for him to speak. **

**Sully still refused to believe that this was truly what his wife wanted, but it seemed clear that for now, she was intent upon doing it, since she had so hastily made to gather the children for dinner that evening and was not announcing this to them in a manner Sully found to be uncomfortably blunt and insensitive, although he could not think of a better way. "That's right," he finally said, knowing that it would do no one any good to voice his protests. **

**While her older siblings stood in shocked silence and the babies slept, Katie timidly spoke, "Mama, Papa, what's a divorce?"**

"**Uhhh….uhhh…well…uhhh…you see…Sweet Girl…uhhh…it means that Mama and Papa aren't going to be married anymore and that Papa won't live with you. It means that though we still love you very, very, very, very much and always will, we don't love each other anymore." Sully's ears rang with the words he had meant only hours ago and now regretted completely. **

**Michaela's ears rung, too. Those words still caused immeasurable pain in her heart and she knew that she would never mean them, even if she had tried to hours ago, but she convinced herself that this was for the best, and so she spoke confidently to her daughter. "That's right, sweetheart, Papa and I want what's best for you, and your brothers and your sisters, and so we don't want to live in a house together if we can't get along."**

"**But you can get along, you love each other, you always said you did and always would, just like you love me, just say you're sorry, kiss and make up. You're always kissin'. Do it now. Kiss now, please?" There were tears in Katie's eyes and it broke both her parent's hearts. **

**As Michaela looked around she noticed there were also tears in the eyes of her older children and Andrew's, all of them seemed to be wishing the same thing Katie was and Michaela was tempted to throw her arms around her husband and do exactly what the children suggested. For she really wished this were a situation where he could hold her, love her, and make it better, but in truth, this was the one situation he couldn't fix because she was choosing to sever that bond, the bond that made holding her and loving her his duty and as he'd always said, his pleasure. Instead of kissing Sully, she instead said to her daughter quite plainly, "Divorced people don't kiss, Katie. You have to be in love to do that and divorce means falling out of love."**

Michaela only remembered the rest of that night as a series of snippets, her telling the children and Sully that she was moving to Boston and taking Katie and the twins with her. Their tears, for even Sully had cried openly at her decision, and her own tears as they fell freely from her face when Matthew and Colleen gave her looks so cold. Her heart and tears seemed to freeze, the look on Katie's face when she realized that living meant that her father wouldn't be around but a few times a year, the look on Sully's face when he realized that he would see very little of his children's lives, and the sight of Sully holding Katie and the twins, each at separate points that night, rocking them to sleep and telling them how much he would always love them, no matter where he was.

Several times before he'd left for the lean-to, Sully'd tried to tell her how much he loved her and how wrong he thought this was. Michaela remembered one of these moments particularly well.

"'**Chaela, please look at me," Sully said, touching her arm and slowly taking her hand.**

"**Don't call me that, it's not proper," Michaela had said softly and half-heartedly.**

"**I don't care about proper right now. I only care that you know that I said and did some awful things, but you'll always be my soul mate. I can't live without you.. Please, 'Chaela, think about what you're doin'. We're soul mates, two hawks soaring together. What will I do without my mate? I cannot soar alone."**

"**Sully, there will be others," she said gently, feeling love for him coarse through her body along with the fear that she was making a mistake.**

"**There were never any others before you. I loved Abigail, but she wasn't my soul mate. There can only be one. You will forever hold my heart," he said, trying to pull her close.**

"**Sully, don't," she whispered, pulling herself out of his arms. "We can't do that anymore." As she said this, her voice caught and he heard it. With his eyes he conveyed that thought she was making a mistake and they begged her to reconsider. Tears flowing freely now, she let him draw her back into a hold, both knowing that nothing had changed with regard to her plans, but that they both needed to hold each other one last time. **

Michaela startled herself out of her musing when she realized that there was only a half-hour left until her train departed for Boston. Carefully closing the suitcase she had finished packing, she called for Katie and Brian, who was helping her to carry the twins to the station and strode to the door, holding her crying little girl by the hand. At the doorway she stopped once to gaze around the house as if memorizing it and committing every detail to her heart. Brian watched as his mother surveyed the house and quietly whispered, "You'll always have a home here, Ma."

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

The family arrived at the train station just before the train came in. Katie rushed to her father, older brother and sister who were all waiting along with Andrew to bid farewells. Katie immediately snuggled into her father's arms as he held her, resting her head against his shoulder and curling into him as she used to do when she was an infant. Softly he whispered to her, "I love you, Kates. Never forget that I love you and I'll come see you as often as I can. Remember that your Ma loves you too and be good for her, you hear? Boston will be fun and you'll meet lots of new friends. You show them what a great girl Katie Sully is and never think I'm not proud of you. You're goin' on an adventure, but whenever ya need me, just look inside ya, I'll be there. If you really need me, I'll only be a wire or a letter away." Katie snuggled deeper into his shoulder, unwilling to let go.

Finally she spoke, her arms still tightly wrapped around her father. 'I love you, Papa, and I don't want to be Katie Sully in Boston, I want to be Katie Sully here in Colorado, where you and Mama made me from your love and had me by the big tree, where you and Mama love each other."

Sully didn't have the heart to explain to his little girl that even in Colorado, he and Michaela would no longer be together, and so he just rocked her a little before setting her down and bringing her to Michaela, who was busy bidding farewell to the older children.

Brian and Colleen were trying their best not to sob, but there were tears running down their faces as they felt more like they were eight and twelve again, losing a mother for a second time, a mother whom they had come to love no less than a biological mother. "I love you both," Sully could hear Michaela saying, "all three of you," further addressing Matthew, whose face remained stoic, but whose eyes betrayed a pain as great as that any of his siblings. "I'm sorry I have to go, but I'll be back for a visit and the clinic will stay open. So, Colleen, I want you to take over my practice, while the hospital is finished. Then I want you to head it. You are a fantastic doctor."

"But Ma," Colleen stuttered, now sobbing, "I don't want…"

"Shhhh," Michaela said gently. "Please, Colleen, know that I love you and I always will, no matter where I am." Turning to Brian, she now addressed the first baby she'd ever really had, though he was not her own by blood, he was her first son. "You have grown up to be a wonderful young man and though I am leaving you now, know that just as when you were living in Boston, I am still your mother and will do everything in my power to be there when you need me. When I am not, know that you are inside of me and that I will always be inside of you as well." Pulling him tight to her, she held him in a firm embrace as he cried like a young child for the loss of the woman who had become the only mother he really remembered. Finally letting go of him, and after kissing his cheek once more, she walked towards Sully, who had set Katie down, bid farewell to her, and let her go say goodbye to her siblings.

"Sully," she said, 'Thank you for signing the papers. When I get to Boston, I'll get them on record, officially, and send you a copy. You can come visit the children at Christmas or on their birthdays or any other time you can get away from work. I'm going to be staying with Rebecca. She lives alone and would like the company. You can contact me there."

Sully stood still for a minute, observing the fact that his wife and his children were leaving him, probably forever. Slowly tears made their way down his cheeks as he wordlessly pulled her into an embrace, an embrace she did not fight for she knew it was what her heart desired. 'I love you," he said, whispering the words against her ear. "I always have and I always will. You are my everything, and I promised ya once that if something else ever made ya happier than me, I would want you to be happy. So even though it breaks my heart, go on, Michaela, I can't fight ya. Just know you are forever my heartsong." With one last kiss to her temple, he released her and picked up Katie. He hugged the little girl tightly and whispered one last 'I love you' before struggling to place her sobbing form in her mother's arms.

Michaela too embraced the little one before putting her down. She then took the twins from Colleen and Andrew, who were holding them and held them up to receive one last kiss from Sully.

Bending to kiss them, he whispered, "I love you, Charlotte Ingrid. Always know that." Then, turning to his son, he said, "I love you, Josef Michael." At his utterance, Michaela caught his eyes and they exchanged a wordless look of pain, of love, and of farewell before the train whistle blew, signaling its entrance into the station. She gathered up her bags, pulled Katie close and waited to board the train. When it stopped, she gave each of the older children one last hug and then a kiss and with a final backward glance at Sully, boarded the train, found her seat, settled her children, and looked out the window as the train pulled away from the station.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

Michaela sat brushing her hair, staring into the ornate mirror that was the main fixture of the guest bedroom she was occupying at her sister's house. She looked at her face, carefully studying the new wrinkles that had been added since the twins were born and since she had asked Sully for…for…for a…The tears came again. She couldn't stop them. She hadn't been able to since she arrived in Boston. Most days it was an effort to get out of bed, and even then she sometimes cried at the breakfast table or when helping Katie with her schoolwork. She could barely look at the twins, even when she was nursing them, she would only hold them as close as was physically necessary. There was no warmth in her touch concerning Katie either. The little girl mostly kept to herself now, working hard to catch up at Boston Infantile Academy, a private school which Rebecca helped Michaela pay for.

Rebecca had done everything for them since they'd arrived that first day from the train station, Katie clinging to her mother and the twins screaming at having been jostled across the country for a week. Once they'd settled in, Rebecca had virtually taken over the care of the twins as she said that Michaela needed a break and a chance to sort out her own feelings before being a mother. Michaela had refused at first, saying that taking care of Katie, Charlotte and Josef was her responsibility and no one else's and that they needed their mother to help them get through the rough adjustment period. Rebecca had readily agreed to Michaela's last point, but she had insisted that her younger sister needed time to adjust to all that had happened before she could really be of any use to the children. At last, Michaela had acquiesced.

Downstairs, Rebecca was worried about Michaela and how her melancholia, for that's what her sadness had actually become over her last two weeks in Boston, would affect the nieces and nephew with whom she lived. She knew that Michaela loved Sully and that there was no way her sister would survive without her brother-in-law. They were like two halves of a whole. Rebecca had seen it during her mother's illness and death in Boston the winter before. Sully had been the one to convince Michaela not to be swallowed up by grief. He had been there, holding her, loving her, in a way Rebecca's own husband, though he was a kind man, had never dared to do. Rebecca knew that if Sully came for Michaela, she would have to help reunite them for the sake of her niece and nephews back in Colorado and for the listless ones who stared at her in Boston with empty eyes and broken hearts not befitting the lively children of her favorite sister and the best man she had ever known.

Suddenly, Rebecca heard a wailing above her head so profoundly sad that she knew she had to tend to it. Telling Katie to stay downstairs and to watch her brother and sister as they slept, Rebecca rushed up the staircase and into her sister's bedroom, hoping to God that she could ease some of Michaela's pain. When she reached the doorframe, she knocked softly even though the door was ajar. At her knock the wailing abruptly stopped and she heard a muffled "Come in" before the crying began anew.

Swiftly, Rebecca maneuvered her skirts and positioned herself at the edge of her sister's bed, assessing the small form that lay curled in a heap on the bed, still dressed in a nightgown. The nightgown, however, was covered in tears and perspiration and she could tell that Michaela's face was flushed to the point of illness from crying. Without a word, she removed herself from the end of the bed and went to the washbasin to get one of Michaela's towels and some cool water. Returning swiftly, she took the rag in hand and wiped at her sister's forehead, neck, arms and upper chest with the cloth. in order to fend off the impending emotional fever,. Relaxing a little from her stressed position under her sister's gentle touch, she sobbed, "I shouldn't have done it, Rebecca. I didn't mean it. I was just so hurt and I don't know how to deal with hurt. I…I just close myself off and I cry later when no one can see me, not even Sully. But he usually comes and finds me, Rebecca. He usually rescues me. Like at Mother's funeral I…I was so…so lost. He was right there, Rebecca. I need him to be right there. We have to fix this. I don't know how he cannot be right there. I can't do this. I can't do anything, not without him." Michaela broke into wailing now, wailing such as a wounded animal makes when it has lost the one thing that kept it alive through the pain. Rebecca swiftly drew her sister up from the mattress and into her embrace, rocking her like she was Katie's age. Through it all, Michaela sobbed, "Rebecca,I love him so much. It hurts so much. He hurt me so much, but it hurts too much without him. I need him here. I can't live without him, just like the dream said. Just like he said. He was right. Oh dear, Rebecca, he was right. We belong together. He never meant it. It was a mistake! It was a mistake!"

An hour later, Rebecca found her way to the telegraph office. "Sir," she said when she reached the counter, "I need to send a wire to Colorado Springs, Colorado."

"To whom should the wire be addressed, ma'am?"

"To a Mr. Byron Sully. Tell him that he is needed in Boston right away. No, scratch that. Tell him that his wife's health depends on his arrival in Boston as soon as possible."

"Is that all, ma'am?" The telegraph operator asked, maintaining a somewhat distant and disapproving air towards Rebecca whom he assumed was another hysterical woman out to bother a husband who merely needed to get away from her for awhile and who had traveled to Colorado to do it.

Perceiving the man's attitude towards her, Rebecca said more adamantly, "Please see that he gets this as soon as possible. It could very well be a life or death situation."

Realizing she was serious and not out to annoy this Mr. Sully, he said sincerely, "I'll send it out as quick as I can, ma'am. You have my word and my oath as a telegraph operator."

"Thank you. Have a good day," Rebecca said cordially, satisfied that the message was well on its way to her sister's husband. She found a carriage and headed home to tend to Michaela and to only hope that Sully would come, not just for her sister's sake, but for her life as well.

Sully never received the wire.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

As the train chugged toward Boston, Sully leaned back in his seat and thought about how he was going to approach his wife when he saw her. He didn't know what to say, he'd tried everything before she left with the kids, and nothing had worked. He shivered with the knowledge that he may be making this trip in vain. He thought back to the night before she left and the desperate attempt he'd made to take her out to dinner and to discuss the possibility of their children remaining with him while she went away for a while to sort out her own thoughts. He tried to make it clear to her that he didn't want to lose his children, and yet she wouldn't hear of him taking them, even for a small amount of time.

"**Michaela, I was wonderin' if we could have dinner tonight?" Sully asked, tugging at the tie and suit that made him feel as though he were choking. Michaela had always loved when he dressed up. She had often said that she had fallen for him that night when he'd come to her birthday party in a suit, looking decidedly uncomfortable for more than one reason. She had always said suits made him look handsome and suited his figure well. He momentarily smiled as he stood on the porch thinking that she couldn't possibly refuse him if he truly was repentant enough to dress himself up in his suit that choked the very life out of him, just for her. A moment after he knocked on the door, his wife appeared looking decidedly stern and solemn even after she took in his attire. **

"**Sully," she said coldly, "May I help you? Are you here to see the children? I just put the youngest ones to bed, but Brian is still awake if you wish to speak with him. Colleen is resting in her room and both she and Andrew asked not to be disturbed, otherwise I would invite you to see them too. And Matthew, well, he decided to stay at his homestead for the night to make sure his livestock were still doing well after the frost. **

"**Michaela, I'll be happy to see the kids, but I really came to see if you would join me for a late night supper. I'm sure Brian wouldn't mind watching the young ones if we asked him real nice. I figure we could talk about this goin' to Boston thing a little more."**

"**I don't feel like going to dinner with you, Sully. I thought I made that perfectly clear, but if you want to talk about the move to Boston, we can do it in the barn where we won't disturb the children."**

**Sully looked utterly heartbroken, but followed his wife as she strode briskly ahead of him to the small structure. Once they reached the barn he held the door open for her and she walked inside with a small thank you. After she had entered and situated herself on the nearest bale of hay. Sully too walked into the barn, letting the door shut behind him. Michaela motioned politely to the bale across from where she was sitting, but Sully chose to remain standing, hoping that this position would lead to a feeling of inner strength he could not make himself possess by any other means at that moment. **

"**Michaela," he began, "I don't want ya takin' the kids to Boston. They're my kids too, mine by blood and by life, if you're thinkin' about takin' Brian along and I ain't lettin' 'em go. You know what bein' a father means to me. I didn't grow up with one, Michaela, and I can't imagine letting my kids suffer the same fate. The twins won't even remember me if you take them away now."**

"**Sully, you cannot take care of three small children on your own. The twins still need to be nursed and I am moving to Boston. How would it work for me to leave Katie here? I'm her mother!"**

"**I'm her father! Neither one is more important than the other, Michaela, and you know it just as well as I do. Who was the one that taught Brian about the birds and the bees? Certainly not you, with your medical textbooks and your Latin, terms he couldn't even begin to understand. Made him have nightmares! Ya call that good parentin'?"**

"**Well, you didn't do so well yourself with Matthew, Sully. In fact, you didn't tell him anything. You just asked him if he knew it all and when he did, you told me you were relieved. That's certainly not father of the year material!" she said, fear brimming within her at the thought that he would actually take their children from her.**

"**Why don't we just ship 'em off to an orphanage, cuz it seems like neither one of us is fit to parent 'em? At lease then they'd be in Colorado."**

"**And what's wrong with Boston, Sully? They'll have the best of everything."**

"**Yeah, best of the nanny that you can ship 'em off to!"**

"**How dare you!" she said as she started to cry. "You know I would never farm out the responsibilities of raising my children to others. You know I want to be a better mother than my mother ever was."**

"**Well how dare you try to take my children away from me!" he said, though he tone was soft and almost apologetic.**

"**Sully," she said quietly, "I have to go and work some things out for myself and I believe the best place for Katie and the twins to be is with me. I know you love them and they love you too and you can come see them whenever you want. I'm not going to keep you from them."**

"**But Michaela, Boston _is_ keeping them from me. I don't have the money to go visit them and don't you be offerin' me charity. I'll probably only be able to make it there twice a year. I'll just be a stranger who brings them gifts and who they call Papa, but they won't know the meaning of the word, not even Katie after a while. Please, isn't there another place you can go? Denver? Manitou?"**

"**I need to go home, Sully. I need to find my heart there."**

"**You once told me this was your home. Did you mean it?"**

"**I did then. I don't know where home is anymore, Sully."**

"**When I went to get ya in Boston years ago, I told Matthew that home was where the heart is. Where is your heart, Michaela?" After a deafening silence, he said, " I'll tell you where it is, Michaela, it's with me! I love you!" Sully then reached across and grabbed her hand gently, but firmly from her lap. She tried to pull away, but he held fast. "Why now, why do you want this divorce, huh? You hadn't mentioned it for near a month, what changed? Tell me and I'll make it right!", he begged. " Please don't take everything I love from me again. The older kids hate me for this and Katie, Josef and Charlotte won't know how to love me… and you…" he said as she backed away, her hand still enveloped in his. "You are the only woman, the only person I have ever truly loved with my whole heart,.", Sully was sobbing now, Michaela had never seen him like this" Please, please, honey, don't go!", he pleaded, tears streaming down his face, choking on his own sobs and using a term of endearment that he had used only one before when she'd hit her head on a rock while they were on a survey together and he'd had to rouse her and then keep her awake all night. He had feared losing her then and knew he was going to now.**

**With tears in her eyes, Michaela said nothing. She slowly turned and walked out of the barn. Sully started to pursue her, but she held up her hand and ran faster away from him. **

Suddenly Sully realized the train was stopping and that he'd been daydreaming on and off for nearly a week. He hadn't realized just how far he'd come since Cloud Dancing had come to him from Montana the week before and told him that the spirits had advised him to beg Sully to go to Boston as he'd done once before to retrieve his heartsong. Quickly Sully banished the memory from his mind, knowing that if he allowed himself to remember the visit between him and his brother, he would never concentrate on getting to Michaela and he knew he had to. He could feel that something was wrong. There would be time to explain everything once he had convinced Michaela of his love once and for all.

As the train slowed to a stop, he quietly gathered up his pack and bedroll and exited the train onto the busy streets of Boston. For the last week he'd been wearing his good traveling suit, a present Michaela had given him last Christmas right before they went to Colleen's graduation from Harvard. Quickly he hailed a carriage, a task which was much easier to do than it had been on his previous mission to Boston years ago given his far more well-to-do appearance this time around.

He gave the driver directions to Beacon Hill and asked if he knew a woman by the name of Rebecca Quinn. The man replied that he did not know that particular name, but was familiar with the late Elizabeth Quinn and knew that her oldest daughter lived in a house not far from where the old Quinn main house had been. He also happened to mention that the couple who had bought the Quinn place were quite disrespectful and were not worthy of a house that belonged to a woman as respectable as the late mistress had been. Sully felt a lump in his throat as he realized again just how much he could've used Elizabeth's guidance at the moment. To the driver he only said, "Yes sir, Rebecca is the oldest daughter. Could you take me to her place of residence, or as near as possible to it? I'd be much obliged for your service."

Thirty minutes later, he found himself standing on the front porch of Rebecca's manor house, having paid the carriage driver and bid him farewell. Upon knocking on the large brass knocker, he was greeted quickly by the estate butler, who, when Sully introduced himself, promptly ushered him into the house and shut the door.

"You would be madam Michaela's husband, would you not?"

"Yes sir, I would. Is she or madam Quinn available?" Sully asked, keeping one eye on the butler while cautiously searching for his children with the other.

"No, they both took the children out for an afternoon stroll. They were going to take the babies and pick up Miss Katherine from the academy, then head over to the confectionary for some ice cream. They should be back soon, as they left an hour ago. You may have a seat if you like."

"Thank you," Sully said quietly, carefully sinking down into the chair the butler led him to. 'Katie in an academy?' he thought to himself after the butler had gone. His little headstrong Katie, the one who loved nature and exploring things in a Boston academy? He couldn't fathom it, and yet he supposed it was to be expected. After all, they were in Boston and being in Boston always changed his wife in ways he could never quite understand. He missed his children terribly, all six of them, especially those who were in Boston and though he had come to take Michaela home, he had also come to attempt to bring his children some comfort and reassurance, and in the end, attempt to, along with their mother, bring them home to the rest of their family and to him. If only he could be sure his presence here would work…

At that moment, he heard a carriage pull up outside, then the click of women's heels, and the soft soles of children's shoes as well as the wheels of the baby pram gliding across the pavement. Then a call for Johnson, who Sully assumed was the butler, the one who greeted him at the door when he'd come in. Before Johnson could get to the door though, Sully rushed to it and opened it, walking out onto the porch, and then down onto the sidewalk before reaching out his hand to take the baby pram from his wife's hands and lift it up the stairs. His wife, Rebecca, and Katie remained motionless and speechless for a moment before Michaela spoke, having regained enough of her composure.

"Sully, how nice to see you here."

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

"How nice to see me here," he uttered seconds later, "well, uh…um…alright…nice to see you as well Michaela and you too, Rebecca, and Katie girl."

Katie ran toward her father, arms stretched as far as her six-year-old self could make them go. "Papa," she screamed in delight, overwhelmed by the sight of her father and by the idea that he was here and could take her away from the nasty academy and the girls who bullied her for the way she talked and the way she stood up for herself. She also hoped that she could convince her teachers that she wasn't a tomboy as they made it seem like being a tomboy was the last thing on earth she should ever desire to be. But for that moment she was merely content to lie in her father's arms, snuggled against his chest and away from the sadness and despair that her mother radiated and the worry and caution that aunt Rebecca seemed to exude from her own soul. "Papa, I missed you," Katie said, hugging him tighter.

"I missed you too, Katie. All three weeks ya been gone, I missed ya and your brother and sister too. Are they inside?"

"Mean Miss Louise has got 'em and probably made 'em go take a nap again."

For a moment Sully's throat caught in his throat as he thought of the abusive teacher who had come to Colorado Springs the year he and Michaela had started courting. 'Wasn't her name also Louise?' He thought to himself. Without thinking or waiting for Rebecca and Michaela to give him permission, he took his daughter and ran into the house and up the stairs to the room that Katie pointed out as the nursery. Father and daughter rushed inside, just in time to see the woman who must've been mean Miss Louise frantically trying to calm a crying Josef. Sully was relieved to see that it wasn't the same teacher who had visited them so long ago, and yet he did have to agree with Katie that she did seem a little mean when she raised an eyebrow quizzically at him over the screaming child and demanded, "Put Miss Katherine down at once and what are you doing in our house?"

"He's my Papa, that's who he is," Katie said defiantly, earning a glare from mean Miss Louise in return.

As she settled Josef and placed him back in the crib, she spoke over her shoulder, "So you're the one who broke Miss Michaela's heart, yes?" she said accusingly with a heavy British accent. "She cries for you day and night, she does. I guess it isn't much of my never mind what you do to that woman or her children, but if I was Miss Michaela, I wouldn't pay you a second thought."

"Well then," Sully said very politely, "I'm glad you're not."

The nanny gave a large humph and left the room, leaving Sully to repair the damaged relationship he had with his son and daughters.

"Mama does cry for you Poppy", Katie whispered into his chest after the nanny had gone.

I'm sorry Sweet Girl, I didn't do right by yout ma and I'm gonna try to fix it. I'll tell ya one thing, I love you, all of your brothers and sisters and your ma very much and I'm gonna love all of you that way forever." , he vowed curling her closer to him and cupping the back of her head with his hand.

The worried little girl soon fell asleep in her father's arms, sleeping more contently than she had in the three weeks since she'd left Colorado Springs.

As Katie slept in his arms, he turned slightly in the rocking chair he had chosen to sit in with Katie and gazed at the twins. They had changed in only three weeks, they were looking more like they're own people now, though Josef's looks still bared a good likeness to Sully's own features and Charlotte was still the spiting image of her mother. Sighing at the enormity of the situation and all that was at stake, Sully carefully freed an arm from around Katie and stroked his babies' cheeks, feeling silent tears run down his own.

After the rest of the house had gone to bed, Sully sat exhausted in the front room. It had been a tense dinner with barely a word being spoken between any of the parties sitting at the table. After his run in with the nanny, Sully had been careful to keep his children in his care for the better part of the evening, only releasing them when they cried for something other than a diaper change or a warm cuddle or when Katie was summoned to bed by yet another strange woman Sully did not recognize. Michaela hadn't spoken but that one sentence to him since he'd arrived, and though Rebecca had been pleasant, she had been stilted and on guard with Sully, only making polite conversation with him about the meal or during the part of dinner where Katie explained her school day. Sully was at a loss for what to do, as he knew that nothing could be done if the only people speaking to him were under the age of forty-five. Finally he had enough

**As quietly as he could, he stood up from the chair, went around to where Michaela was sitting and whispered in her ear, unafraid of the looks from the other diners, "When you're done, will you meet me in the living room, pleases Michaela?"**

**She hadn't know what to reply, but a subtle squeeze of the hand from Rebecca under the table told her that all were hoping and praying that she would say yes. Slowly she nodded her head, almost imperceptibly to Sully's suggestion. **

**Without a word he went around to kiss Katie's head, and then walked calmly out of the room. An hour later, when the family was finished with dinner and Sully had helped tuck Katie and the kids into bed amidst protestation from Miss Louise, he and Michaela proceeded into the living room across from one another, she on the cloth-covered sofa and he in the afghan-draped easy chair. Sully took a moment to take his wife in before speaking, she had lost considerable weight and her small frame now looked frail and sickly. Her eyes were hollow and there were several bags under each, bags which had been concealed by make-up when he'd first arrived, but which now stood pronounced against her pale cheekbones. He was worried at the sight and wanted to take her in his arms, but dared not. He remembered his plan, and instead took a deep breath, hoping to calm his nerves and need to hold her close. "Michaela," he began, his palms sweating as they did the first time he'd asked her what he was about to. Only then he'd called her "Dr. Mike" and the formality had some home made it easier, now he was attempting to use Boston manners, but she was not "Dr Mike" now, she was Michaela, his Michaela. " I was hoping that you would join me for a walk in the park tomorrow, chaperoned by Rebecca of course," Sully stated, being careful to use proper Boston grammar and words. "I know that you might not feel comfortable with me, but I really need one chance to speak with you. No, no, that's not right, to spend the day with you. I'll come for you at 9:00 a.m. sharp and we'll have you and Rebecca home by 2:00 p.m. so that we all travel to Katie's school together fetch Miss Katherine from school," he said with a slight smile, hoping that Michaela could not see the fear of rejection in his eyes.**

"**Sully, I…don't know if that's such a…" Michaela was cut off by Rebecca who had been patiently listening at the bottom of the stairs.**

"**Nonsense, Michaela, go on. I would be happy to chaperone you and Mr. Sully for an afternoon. It has been a while since you've been able to get out and enjoy the city," Rebecca mentioned, shooting a definite look of pleading in Sully's direction.**

"**Rebecca!" she exclaimed, shooting her sister a deadly glare. Turning to Sully, she said, "I…I…shall not be free until 10:00 a.m.," she Michaela said, trying her best to forestall what she saw as an awkward situation. Sully was behaving as if he was attempting to court her in proper Boston fashion and it unnerved her a little. 'What was he trying to do?' she'd asked herself. 'How much had Rebecca told him in her wire?' For she knew as surely as she knew her own heart still loved Sully that Rebecca had sent a wire to him. **

"**Ten would be fine then," Sully said, again struggling under the weight of the stuffy syntax. **

"**I do have to ask you Sully, how was it you came by the knowledge that you would be so well-received in Boston, or if not well-received, quite needed?"**

**I didn't receive a notice. I came because I felt I was needed" Sully stammered, wishing that he could speak plainly and tell her that Cloud Dancing had said that the spirits willed him to this place in a dream and through his brother's coming, but he could not say those things to her now. He was attempting to court her as a Boston gentleman and the truth would be better left for when he knew she could receive it.**

Michaela could tell that Sully had most likely received some sort of message, not by telegram or wire, but from the spirits or Cloud Dancing. Somewhere inside of her, her heart leapt both at the thought that Sully was attempting to woo her as a Boston man and that somewhere inside of him, still beat the heart of the Colorado mountain woodsman who still captured her soul. "I shall see you then," she said as she stood and prepared to walk to the stairs and up to her room.

"**Michaela" Sully called, catching up to her quickly in four long strides. He took her hand into his and squeezed it gently, while resisting the urge to press his lips to the back of it. He knew they had not come far enough this night for that and he didn't want to ruin his chances by doing something that was too forward for her in her present state. "I just wanted to tell you goodnight and thank you" **

**In response Michaela had quickly and a bit roughly pulled her hand for Sully's and rushed up the stairs.**.

Now as he sat thinking about all that had happened and all that was to come, Sully felt as he had that first night in Boston so many years ago, physically closer to Michaela, but even futher away from her heart than he was on the Colorado plains

It was after midnight when he first heard it. He had fallen asleep sitting on the couch in the front room, dreaming dreams of times when he, Michaela and the children were a happy family full of love and warmth. The noise had woken him and he'd remained that way, trying his best to figure out how to approach the person whom he believed was responsible for the pained cries.

Now though, as he heard them becoming progressively more hoarse and desperate, he realized that the cries were not those of someone wishing to be left alone, besides the urge to go to her, soothe her and hold her was too strong to ignore.

"Michaela", he said softly outside her locked door, "Ya ok?" He knew she wasn't, but he also knew that he didn't have the right to tell her such things about herself in their present situation.

There was no answer, only slightly more muffled crying. And that worried Sully all the more. Knowing that he had to check on her somehow, he quickly ran down the stairs and out into the snow, rubbing himself for warmth as he realized that was going to attempt to climb up to and through Michaela's window in nothing but a dress shirt and pants and the elegant walking boots that Michaela he bought him on their last trip east before her Mother had passed. He chuckled to himself as he realized that he was wearing the exact opposite of the clothing that such a climb required and laughed again when he realized that it didn't matter because he had to get to his heartsong.

Halfway up the side of the house, Sully's foot slipped and he almost fell, but he refused to give into the biting cold and difficult climb. Michaela needed him and the fear that not providing for that need would hurt her more, drove him on. At last, he reached the window ledge and removed a small knife from his suit pants pocket to help him pry the window open while balancing precariously on the thr brick siding, when he discovered that the window was already open, he silently thanked the spirits and opened it fully. The rush of air startled Michaela and she was about to scream,when she saw Sully coming through the window, his eyes focused intently on her. '

"Sully!" she hissed as he came completely through the window and stood before her covered in snow.

"Yeah, it's me", he whispered sheepishly. "Had to be sure you were doin' ok." he said, the lateness of the hour making him forget his attempt to use Boston syntax.

"Well, I'm fine, so you can go now, thank you for your concern", she retorted, her words dripping with sarcasm. With that, she turned her head and buried it in her already sopping pillow.

Sully marveled for a moment at how much Michaela looked like Kate did when she was younger after she'd cried because she hadn't gotten her way. Abruptly though, the remembered why he was there and the urgency the matter had seemed to have as his snow covered legs began to ache and he winced.

Seeing the wince, Michaela momentarily forgot her own emotional pain and adopted her her doctor persona. "Sully, you have to get out of those pants or you'll get frostbitten. ", she said calmly though her heart was beating wildly in both fear and unexpected and unwanted excitement as Michaela realized that Sully removing his pants would leave him only in his underwear as she treated him.

Sully too, knew that the situation was going to be awkward and decided to use Michaela's desire both to treat his legs and to maintain modesty as a tool to get her to open up to him little.

"I'll only take 'em off if you first promise not to look and second, if you promise to tell me why ya were crying. " You sounded like you were havin' a bad dream"

"What makes you sat that, she asked, annoyed that he sill knew her so well, and yet, grateful that she didn't have explain herself quite as much as she had feared when Sully had issued his conditions for treatment.

"….Because, ya kinda sounded like Katie when she has bad dream and wakes up calling for one of us.", Sully said rather embarrassedly.

"I see…", Michaela mused, a small smile forming on her lips, a smile that made Sully's heart leap, for it had been so long since he'd been the one to make her smile. "I can adhere to first of your conditions, but the second…", her voice trembled and the small grin faded. " Dreams are personal Sully"

"I know, but maybe it'll help ya to talk about it, if bothered ya that much.", he prodded gently.

"Perhaps…" she conceded quietly.

Sully took that to be an agreement to his terms and turned his back to Michaela in order to show her that he respected the new or rather, historic level of propriety between them. Michaela too turned her back on Sully in the same gesture of respect and did not turn around or speak until he tapped her on her shoulder to indicate that he was ready.

When she turned around, she saw that Sully had a blanket at his waist even though he had on long underwear and that then under was only roll up to right below where the blanket covered.. She smiled another little smile at him and setting to work, halting began fulfilling the second part of her promise.

"I dreamt that I was wandering in the woods at home and that I kept calling and calling for someone to take me back to the house, but no one came, I was cold, frightened, lost and utterly…", he voice broke as she struggled to continue both her exam and her recollection. "Alone."

Sully reveled in the fact that she had called Colorado home, but saw the tears that had escaped her heartbreaking attempt to remain strong and as she was checking the blood refill mechanism of his reddened legs, he called her name.

Roused from the monotony of pressing and releasing patches of his skin, she forgot to wipe her tears away and thus looked at Sully with the purest expression of grief and pain he had ever seen.

"Michaela", he said again making sure he had her attention, but resisting his instinct to take her face in his hands or to wipe away her tears with his thumbs for fear of pushing her away. When he was sure he had her attention, he continued, "you're not alone." He whispered the phrase of assurance so gently and yet directly that the intensity of the moment was too much for Michaela. She refocused her attention on his legs for a moment before looking up at him once more, all doctor and pronouncing. " Your legs are slightly frostbitten, but a night under a warm blanket should warm them. You should get some sleep as well.", she prescribed.

Sully knew that that was his invitation to leave and he accepted it, knowing that Michaela needed to be alone, and he felt comfortable letting her be such as he was not as worried about her state of mind as he had been earlier in the evening.

Opening the door, he stepped out into the hallway and quickly turned back to face the rapidly closing door.. When he turned, Michaela stopped closing the door as she knew by the look in his eyes that he wanted to tell her something more before the confusing night ended.

"Michaela", he said, resting his hand on the half open door. "I just wanted to thank ya for looking at my legs and I wanted to ask ya if we're still going on an outing at ten tomorrow?"

Michaela nodded her head slightly in a shy response.

"Good", he whispered, meeting her eyes and holding her gaze for a beat. When she broke the stare, he said, " Good night Michaela and remember… you're not alone. " Turning, he walked silently back to his room, hearing her door close behind him.

Michaela climbed into bed and lay on her back against her now dry pillows, contemplating what it would feel like to never be alone again. For the first time in nearly a year, she fell into a peaceful sleep filled with dreams of what had been and what she hoped was what was to come.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

The next afternoon Sully and Michaela walked quietly along the Charles River, neither saying a word. They had been that way for the last hour and a half and Rebecca was growing restless with the tension. She had tried to give them space, more space than a chaperone ought to by Boston standards, but she had figured that they had once been married, and so they should receive the benefit of the doubt when it came to controlling their own affections in public. At that moment, however, she wished that Sully would reach over and grab Michaela's hand, possibly even kiss her, just so that the romance could once again be present and the couple who so forlornly now walked the path besides the water.

For their part, Sully and Michaela had been talking of nothing—the weather, the changes in Boston since they had been there that last winter. Sully had even inquired about the health of Martha and Harrison, both of whom Michaela said still worked for Rebecca. After 45 minutes though, they had fallen into the silence which had failed them now with a vengeance and both was buzzing with their own insecurities.

'Does he not wish to speak to me, to inquire about me?' Michaela wondered, noticing that she herself was beginning to sound more stilted in language as the days in Boston wore on. She longed for the days when Sully would merely hold her hand, even after they'd had an argument, letting her know that even if they didn't see eye to eye, they were still in love. This had become especially important during the period after he'd come to Boston the first time. The couple had been so tentative with each other then, but nothing compared to the shyness each felt now and Michaela feared the cloud of doubt might never lift.

Sully, for his part, was terrified to reach out and grab Michaela's hand for fear that she would pull away from him like that night in the barn, pull away from him and out of his life, rip herself from his heart altogether and wash her hands of him, and yet he could feel that he was making her more nervous by saying nothing and doing nothing. Finally the tension proved to be too much and he turned toward her, smiling.

The smile caught Michaela off-guard and she stopped in her tracks waiting for Sully to speak. She knew that smile, it meant that he had something he wanted to share with her and after such an uncomfortable morning, she was desperate for something that would bring them together and end her weeks of sorrow and guilt.

Gently Sully spoke, 'I don't know about you, but I'm getting hungry. How about we find a street vendor and see if we can buy some corn on the cob to eat by the river? Like ya told me about when we were first courtin', remember?"

Michaela giggled slightly at Sully's use of his Colorado dialect and she felt some of her nervousness dissipate. She was still uncomfortable being with him, but it was hard not to want him close after how much she'd missed him since she and the children had gone to Boston.

Sully realized his mistake almost immediately, but to hear Michaela laugh was too precious a sound to ruin with a correction, and so he merely smiled wider and led the way to the section of the path where he had seen street vendors the night before when he'd taken this walk alone, preparing for the day.

As they sat munching on their corncobs and listening to the soft tides of the river ebb and flow, Michaela softly asked, "Do you remember when it was that I mentioned missing this?"

"Course I do," Sully said. Over the last few hours Sully had returned to using his western drawl in conversation and Michaela had to admit that she liked him better that way. This changed occurred of course long after Rebecca had feigned some excuse in order to return to her household and after she had begged to be allowed to pick up Katie on her own. When both parents are expressed reluctance and Michaela had reminded her about feeding the twins, Rebecca had gently told her the twins were sometimes used to a bottle now, a fact that Michaela was not proud of considering their age, but that had been a reality because of her mental breakdown and subsequent weeks spent in the woods with Sully as well as her continuing depression in Boston. Not willing to tell Sully all of his, however, she had merely nodded and let Rebecca take her leave.

Now as they sat, side-by-side, alone, by the river's edge, Michaela waited for Sully to finish his remembrance. "It was when Brian ran away and we had to enlist the Cheyenne's help to find him. You'd asked me if I ever got homesick and I said 'nope.'"

"As I recall, you said it in the gruffest voice possible," she whispered, smiling a bit at the remembrance.

"I didn't mean to be short, I was just bein' honest with ya."

"Well Mr. Sully," Michaela said nervously. "Are you homesick now?"

"I miss my children, but here is the only place I want to be right now." Slowly Sully tentatively reached over and sought Michaela's hand with his own. Upon finding it he gently linked his fingers with hers, making sure that her palm was fully encased in the soft skin of his own hand. Sully's action surprised Michaela, but what frightened her even more was her own body and heart's reaction to his closeness. She began to pull away and Sully let her go, content with just the moment of closeness between them.

When a few minutes had passed, they stood up to return to the main street, tossing away their corncobs into street receptacles and hailing a carriage to take them home.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36

Michaela extended her hand tentatively and Sully helped her down from the carriage. As her feet hit the ground though, her foot slipped under the carriage and she fell forward, letting out a cry as her knee twisted from the odd angle at which her leg was forced to bend. At the same moment, Sully reached out and caught her in his arms, accidentally holding her close as she cried out.

"Where's it hurt 'Chaela?" Sully asked worriedly, forgetting that she had asked him not to call her that.

"My leg…knee is twisted, oh Sully!" she cried as tears streaked down her cheeks.

"What can I do?" he asked carefully and subtlety lifting her off the ground so that her weight was no longer on her legs.

Michaela sighed as she realized that she no longer felt the pain in her knee as intensely when he held her off her feet, whether the lessening of pain was caused by her position or the man holding her, she didn't know. She did have to admit that though she was embarrassed, her heart cried out to be held by her husband.

"I can't walk", she whispered as she realized that as she tried to place the tip of her foot on the ground and winced severely enough for Sully to hold her higher and closer despite the fact that they were no longer married.

"I'll carry you", he said gently against her ear, wanting nothing but to relieve her pain, as he seemed to feel it searing his heart and leg as well. He was however prepared for her refuse him and had steeled his heart for the rejection and the subsequent awkwardness that would follow, but it never came. Instead she nodded her head and leaned embarrassedly against his shoulder. Sully knew he couldn't carry her the way he always had because the cradling position would be too much of a bend for her leg , so he decided to carry her against over his shoulder ."Up we go ", he said soothingly as he lifted her into position and began to carry her up the front stairs of the Beacon Hill manor.

Michaela winced slightly as the motions Sully need to perform to climb the stairs jarred her leg , but she was in must less pain then she would have been if she had walked on her own, and Sully's touch was so comforting and she had to admit, so loving, that her body could not help but relax despite her best efforts to remain alert and aloof. He had begun to win her heart again and that frightened her because she wasn't sure she could handle giving it to him again and having him run away with it…or from it, again.

Upon entering the house, Sully and Michaela were greeted by Rebecca and Katie whose smiling faces quickly turned worried as they saw Michaela lying almost still in Sully's arms

"Mama…Michaela!" they exclaimed in unison as they rushed toward the pair.

"She's ok, just twisted her leg an' knee gettin'' out of the carriage, ", he reassured them as he shifted Michaela gently so that she didn't slip from his arms and she cried out in pain. Hearing her mother's cry, Katie circled her father to look her mother in the eye.

Does it hurt bad…badly Mama?" Katie feared, her voice trembling

Michaela looked in her daughter's troubled eyes from her place slightly over Sully's shoulder and mustered a smile. "I'll be fine Sweetheart, I'll wrap my knee up nice and tightly and then I'll get into bed and tomorrow I'll be feeling much better and in a week I'll be good as new. " Seeing that they little girl was unconvinced, she softly added, "And if you like, after my knee is wrapped you can come cuddle with me…how that?"

Katie was ecstatic, she hadn't been invited to cuddle with her mother in so long that she couldn't rember when exactly and when she'd wanted to ask her mother if she could, Miss Louise had told her that children were not supposed to "cuddle' with their parents or anyone else and had acted as if Katie should have known such a thing without asking. Katie was her own girl, however, and instead of worrying about what the nanny had said, she merely asked in her sweet, innocent, yet, impish manner, "Can Papa cuddle too?"

Anticipating that Michaela would start into another one of her, "People who aren't in love …" lectures, Sully began to interject, "Uhh…Kates…" but was cut off by his former wife's voice.

" Katie, I need Papa or Aunt Rebecca's help taking care of my knee and if 'Papa would like to talk to us while you and I cuddle, that would be all right." Michaela wasn't really sure that that was all right with her, but the little girl seemed to so badly want time with both her parent's that she felt this was for the best. Suddenly she realized that Sully was still holding her and she blushed in embarrassment , prompting Katie to run to face her father shouting, " Mama has a fever Papa! She needs to be tucked in bed"

" Michaela? " Sully asked, concerned.

I'm fine Sully…just embarrassed, maybe going up to bed would be a good idea." Michaela replied, growing more uncomfortable by the minute.

Recognizing the reasons for her sister's discomfort, Rebecca interjected for the first time into what she saw as a very personal family conversation, "Yes Sully, do take dear Michaela upstairs to tend to her knee, I'll send Katie and the twins up in a little while, if that's all right with you, of course?"

Sully felt Michaela's body tense at the mention of the twins and her reaction made his heart sink, but to Rebecca and Katie, he said " That would be good, thank you" Then he crossed to the stairs and carefully began to ascend them.

When her parents had gone up the stairs, Katie turned to her aunt and asked with a very serious expression" Do people who are diforce…not in love anymore, carry each other up the stairs?

* * *

Sully watched as his wife and daughter slept, snuggled close together and more content than he'd seen either one of them in long time. How he wished that he could join them, both on the bed and in slumber, but for the time being he was content that Michaela had allowed him to be her with the, though he figured she was doing it more for Katie's benefit then her own. Still Sully saw it as a step in the right direction for all people and relationships concerned.

Sully heard one of the twins stir in their crib next to the bed. Rising, he walked quietly to where the two identical cribs were positioned and found that the fussy baby was Charlotte. Slowly he lifted her from the crib and curled her against his chest. As she grew comfortable, her fussing stopped, but the pucker of her lips told him that he would soon not be able to provide what his daughter needed unless hr went downstairs to get a bottle and he was hesitant to do such a thing. He'd seen Michaela's face when Rebecca had mentioned the bottle-feeding earlier. The look of fear, disappointment and pain in Michaela's eyes had actually hurt Sully physically and he wasn't going to cause her that embarrassment again. He merely held Charlotte close, stroking her fair hair and rosy cheeks until she started to squirm in the cradle of his arms.

Standing up with her, he made his way to the bed and sat on its edge careful to leave enough room, so that Michaela would not feel as though he were invading her private space or trying take advantage of the situation.

"Michaela", he whispered, trying to rouse her without startling her and causing her leg to spasm and attempting not to wake Katie as well.

"Hmm?" she said sleepily reaching out as if to find him lying beside her and nearly hitting Katie in the head. Securing Charlotte in one arm, he reached out to still her flailing arms. Feeling his hand on her arms and not around her, she became more alert and seeing him on her bed, she hiss as quietly as she could in her angry state, "Sully, what are you doing!"

Not reacting to her anger, he whispered soothingly ,"Charlotte's hungry and I thought you might want to feed her"

Michaela's anger dissipated and in its place embarrassment loomed as Michaela lowered her head and whispered contritely "I'm sorry, Sully."

Still holding Charlotte with one arm, he used the palm of his other hand to raise her chin, Hey…hey… that's alright" he said softly.

For the first time in a long time, Michaela thought she heard love in his voice directed at her in a non emergency situation and it made her heart leap, but she was almost too scared to admit it to herself and so she just smiled at Sully in thanks.

Sully thought he saw some love in the small smile, but he didn't want to chance anything b overstepping his bounds and kissing her on the forehead like ever fiber in his being desired to, so he simply smiled back and handed her their daughter.

Michaela's hands shook as she took the baby from her father. She held her stiffly as she brought the baby to her camisole covered chest.

Sully's smile turned to a worried crease of his brow as he observed his former wife with their baby. When Katie was young, Michaela had delighted in holding the infant and cuddling her close, often pressing Katie close to her heart so that the baby could hear the comforting sound and know that, as Michaela had said" She was loved with every beat of her mother's heart. " With Charlotte, however, Michaela looked as though she was holding an unwanted stranger and Sully's heart broke for them both.

Michaela caught Sully observing the way she held their little girl and his concerned and confused eyes caused her to burst into tears. Through her sobs, he thought he could discern her saying" I can't seen to bond with them Sully, I try, but I'm scared," I wanted you there so much when I was pregnant, to feel it moving with me,…I was too distracted to know I was carrying twins, to rub my back, to speak to it... them, to tell them you loved them, to tell me you loved me.. I guess I tried to shut out the painof the pregnancy and in the process I shut them out." She began to sob harder as she said " I don't think they know I love them Sully! I don't think any of our children, young or old know how much I love them anymore." " I'm a horrible mother!"

Katie stirred at the sound of her mother's sobs and after a hug and kis sfrom her papa, Sully told the wide eyed child to go downstairs and visit her aunt for awhile.

After, his daughter had gone, he turned to his former wife, set the baby beside her, and spoke soothingly as he pulled her into a hug that her weary soul didn't not resist, "Chaela , I'm sorry I wasn't there, you'll never know how much I regret leaving you and the kids and how much it breaks my heart that I wasn't there for all those moments and so many more when you were pregnant, but I want you to know that I love our babies, all six of them and that I love you so much for raising them to be the kind of people who love this world, it's people, and their family including their papa, even when he don't deserve it and wasn't there, and who love their ma with all their hearts , from the littlest Josef to the biggest Matthew.

In response, Michaela just hugged him tighter and for a while they just sat on the bed locked in a healing embrace, both shedding tears of renewal.

After awhile, Charlotte's insistent wails broke them apart and Sully drew back, reached down on the bed, scooped up their daughter and placed her in her mother's arms. Upon seeing that mother and daughter were both still too tense with each other to nurse, he softly suggested, "Try the heartbeat thing you used to do with Katie."

Michaela knew what he meant, but was hesitant, "Sully, she's hungry…"

"I know" her husband said calmly, "But, you told me once that a mother's milk can be affected by stress and not only are you stressed, but Charlotte is too."

"Sully…" Michaela started to protest again, but was cut off by her husband, who took the baby and laid her vertically against her mother's chest. Michaela, at first remained tense, but as she felt the baby relax against her and the fussing stop, she smiled at Sully.

Sully smiled back and getting up from the bed, he whispered, " Call me when Josef's hungry and I'll help ya with him." Once he was standing, Sully first kissed his daughter's forehead, then turned toward Michaela and bravely did the same to hers, before walking from the room.

Alone with her daughter against her, she said softly, " I do love you with every beat of my heart, you, your brothers and sisters…and your papa.


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37

"Humph", Michaela grunted as she attempted to position herself on the bed. She had been lying in practically the same position for five straight days, and though her knee was healing nicely, her other muscles were beginning to protest the monotony and she could swear that her brain was starting to shut down from the lack of stimulation. Finally succeeding in her effort to sit up slightly higher than she had been, she let out a long exasperated sigh.

Katie, who had been doing her homework at the desk in her mother's room, could hold her tongue no longer. She had watched her mother go through the same motions for days now and each time Katie had offered to get her father to help, but the offer was always refused. Sometimes, her mama would tell her that her papa was too busy or at others she would just say, " I don't think Papa wants to help, Katie and I'm all right on my own, go back to your schoolwork."

When her mother said these things, Katie had known that she was lying and she also knew that lying was not a good thing for anyone to do, let alone a mama, but she had let it go, partly because she hadn't want to make her mother angry, and partly because her mama and papa were so nervous when they were together now that she was scared to make them spend time with one another, Today though, her mother seemed to be in slight pain and even more bored than before, and thus, even at six years of age, Katherine Elizabeth Sully knew that she had to be direct even if it earned her a look or punishment from her mother.

"Mama. I'm gonna…going to get Papa to help you sit up. '

Michaela quickly looked up from the medical textbook that she was now forcing herself to read for the second time. She had told Katie numerous times that she didn't want Sully's help and for a moment she had been incensed that the girl would go against her wishes, but, Michaela had promised herself long ago that she would never yell at her children and so, she stared Katie straight in the eye, knowing that this was usually enough of a reprimand for the sweet, eager to please little girl.

Seeing her mother's look, Katie was tempted to back down, but she knew that her mother had been happier than she had been in a long time the day that her papa had helped her mama wrap her leg and that her had stayed that day to talk to her mother and help with the twins. Her mama had smiled all that night. In fact, Mama was happy every time Papa came up to check on her, something he was doing at least once or twice a day. Katie also knew she needed to get her papa to help in order to have a happy mama again,so the little girl put her hands on her hips in a fashion Michaela found oddly familiar and stated" I see your look Mama and I'm sorry, but you still need Papa."

The little girl's serious expression and confident air caused Michaela to relax a bit and she laughed, " All right, you may get your father Katie, but next time, can you not look so much like your mother when you're mad?"

Katie smiled and quickly rushed from the room, eager to return with her father.

Once she'd reached the bottom step of the staircase, She called to her father who was sitting pensively near the fire place trying to gauge how likely it would be that Michaela would have dinner with him at "their" restaurant the following week and consequently, did not hear his daughter's call until she had run over to stand next to him and placed her small hand on his left shoulder in an attempt to garner his attention.

"Kates?" he started, turning towards his daughter.

Papa, it's Mama…" the little girl hesitated, not sure how to convince her father that it was important or even necessary that he help her mother. When her parents had said that they loved each other, Katie had had no doubt that her papa would have gone rushing up the stairs to help her mama, but now that they said they didn't love each other, Katie didn't know what he would do. she still believed that they loved each other for the most part, but at that moment, she was afraid that she might have been wrong. However, her father's reaction told her that she knew her parents better than they sometimes knew themselves.

Sully's eyes went wide with momentary fear, but he struggled to stay calm in front of Katie, "What's wrong with Mama, Sweet Girl?"

"Nothing,", Katie laughed, not sure why her father looked so panicked, "She just needs help sitting up in the bed. "

"0h ", Sully exhaled the breath, that he hadn't realized he was holding and looked his daughter sternly in the eye, "Katie, don't scare your pa like that." When Katie had hesitated, Sully had feared that his dream regarding Cloud Dancing, Snowbird and Michaela was coming true, though he knew thinking Michaela was going to die here in the house was pretty irrational. Still he couldn't deny the way his heart had pounded for that split second of uncertainty, he loved that woman with all of his heart and he knew that he needed to show her that even more directly than he'd been doing up until that moment. He would ask her out for dinner, but first, he would help her get more comfortable while her knee healed. He had a plan.

"Papa?" Katie called from the position that she had taken at the bottom of stairs, "Are you coming?"

"Yeah, Sweet Girl, I'm comin", Sully said as he reached her side and lifted her above his head as he had done when she was a baby"

"Poppy!" she squealed, using the nickname for him that, now that she was older, she only occasionally.

" I love you, Katherine Elizabeth Sully", he said bringing her down against his chest.

"I love you with all my heart, Poppy", Katie rejoined sincerely.

For a moment, the two of them merely stood there, Katie's head resting against her father's shoulder and Sully realizing as he held her just how right he had been months ago when he'd seen in Katie the best possible combination of he and Michaela.

"Poppy, I have a question…" Katie said softly

"What's that?" he questioned tenderly

"Do you love Mama?" Katie questioned nervously, the little girl wanted to know if she had been right, but was afraid to truly know the answer to her question.

" I do Kates' he said, looking her in the eye.

Her lower lip curled under as she tremblingly spoke the question most on her mind since that past summer, " Then why did you say that you didn't and leave?"

Sully contemplated what to tell his daughter, he wanted to tell her the truth, but he wasn't quite sure if his reasons for leaving made sense anymore, especially after Michaela had sworn that she didn't write that she didn't love him, That issue still confused and pained him, but his daughter deserved an answer. Holding her tighter, he bent to sit on the step in front of him. "I reckon Katie that I got hurt and when people get hurt, it can be real easy to run away.'

"You ran away from Mama?" Katie asked with a confused and somewhat hurt look on her face.

"I guess I did." Sully said quietly

"You ran away from Matthew, Colleen Brian and me too, Poppy," she shuttered "And you didn't even know Mama was having a baby, she got really big, her back hurt her and she cried for you a lot…we all did… even Matthew"

Sully was shocked and his heart felt as though it had been crushed, but he fought valiantly to stave off tears as he sought to comfort his daughter. " Kates…. Sweet Girl… I'm so sorry." When the little girl refused to look him in the eye and instead keep her head on his shoulder, he put his fingers gently under her chin and turned her face to his, " I know you don't believe me, but I never meant to hurt you or your brothers and sisters…. And your ma, well, I never meant hurt her either, there's no place I would wanna have been than with your ma and our family when she was having Charlotte and Josef, to tell ya the truth… there's no place I would rather be ever. I promise you, Katie I'll never do leave like that again. My heart just got confused.

"How do you know you won't go away if it gets confused again Papa?", she asked feeling too uneasy to call him Poppy now.

"Because I realized that when my heart's confused, I just need to talk to your ma or look at you kids and it'll be alright again.", he said sincerely.

"Is your heart confused now Papa?", Katie asked gently, wrapping her arms tighter around his neck.

Sully debated for a moment the consequences of being honest with his daughter before answering, " Just a little Kates."

'Katie", Michaela called from upstairs worriedly.

Upon hearing her mother's voice, Katie looked her father in the eye and with her mother's crooked smile, said, "Well if your heart's still confused, Papa, talk to Mama.

" Yeah, let's go see your ma", Sully agreed as he headed up the stairs with his daughter still in his arms.

Sully set Katie down in the doorway to her mother's room and watched as the little girl walked to the bed and crawled up carefully beside her mother, aware the her mother's knee was still a little painful. His daughter then wrapped her arms around her mother's neck and smiled broadly, "I brought Papa to help you sit up, Mama."

"Yes, I see that and thank you both, she commended, looking between Katie and Sully and smiling uneasily. "But what may I ask kept you downstairs so long?"

That's my fault Michaela…I…." Sully started.

Katie interjected, "I was talking to Papa… he needs your help Mama."

"Well, that's fair. If you asked him to help me, then I can certainly help him.", Michaela acquiesced, smiling uncomfortably once again at her husband, "What can I help you with Sully?"

Sully opened his mouth to speak, but was unable to say a word before his daughter informed her mother, " His heart's confused"

"Thank you Katie, but I asked your father. "Michaela said rather sternly, embarrassed at the turn the conversation had taken. "Now Sully, what can I help you with?"

"Nothing, I just came to help you sit up." Sully stated.

At this, Katie grew desperate and shouted, "That's not true Papa! You said that you're heart was confused and that's why you left us, you said you were confused about everything, except your love for Mama and that she was the only one who could help you," With that, Katie ran from the room with an expression that told her parents that even their daughter was as confused and frustrated as her parents.

Sully and Michaela stood shell shocked for a moment after their daughter had gone, trying to absorb all that their daughter had said. Finally Michaela spoke her voice trembling with uncertainty," Is that how you really feel Sully?"

Sully didn't want to answer for he still feared that she didn't feel that passionately about him anymore He knew they had gotten closer over the last two weeks, but he wasn't sure how deep feelings for him went. For her part, Michaela was worried that if he expressed his feelings and she reciprocated them, he would feel obligated to stand by her for a while and then once she gave him her love again, he would feel like he was losing his freedom once more and run away permanently, breaking her already battered heart. There was so much miscommunication on both sides, but now each knew they had to try. They needed each other.

Without answering Michaela's question, he walked to they side of the bed and asked softly, "Do ya still need help sittin' up?"

Knowing that he had avoided the question partly for her benefit, she gratefully nodded and let him gently lift her as she confided, " I'm so bored Sully, I feel so useless just sitting her, in fact, I can feel mind growing lethargic and it feels awful"

"I'm sorry, I bet it is borin just sittin there, I remember when I couldn't feel my legs. I hated feeling helpless, but you were right there for me, takin' me to see the world and to enjoy it. I wanna do the same for ya, so how about a walk?" Sully invited.

"I can't walk " Michaela whispered.

"I'll carry ya. " her husband offered. "Just let me check on Katie and we'll go."

A tentative smile spread across Michaela's lips and she blushed.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

Michaela's heart pounded uncomfortably in her chest as Sully held her against his own chest for the short walk to the park, it was now mid March and the snow in Boston was beginning to thaw, but it was still bitterly cold and the tension of the moment made it so that she felt the coldness of the fear of being emotionally hurt and of trapping Sully in her life pervading her heart along with the freezing snow that stiffened her sore muscles even under layers of clothing. Though she had agreed to let Sully carry her initially, she had later remembered the wheelchair that her father had kept in the attic for emergencies and that no one had bothered to rid the house of after his death, and had mentioned it to Sully when he'd returned from checking on the now silent Katie who, in what said was her last words to him, had informed her father that she was not speaking to either one of her parents.

Sully response to Michaela's demand of the wheelchair was to suggest that they needed to bring a blanket to cover her legs from the cold. Frustrated by his lack of attention to the wheelchair issue, Michaela merely nodded her head in disinterested agreement to the blanket while continuing to press him about the wheelchair to no avail.

Finally satisfied that they were ready to venture out, Sully had looked up at Michaela with a twinkle in his eye and said, "Ready to get that wheelchair?" Michaela had smirked knowing that Sully had heard everything she had said and that he'd chosen to ignore her, but the smirk was not an angry one as she was beginning to enjoy Sully's antics again; he had always been able to make her laugh, even when she wasn't sure she wanted to.

Her smile, however, had turned to a frown as Sully had carried her down the stairs and placed her in the wheelchair that he'd retrieved from the attic the night before in hopes that she would agree to the walk. He had been planning to take her for a stroll since that first morning after the accident when he'd gone into say good morning and found her looking decidedly cross with herself. When he had tried to push the chair however, the blanket had gotten caught in the wheels and the strength of their pull nearly pulled Michaela to the floor along with the covering. Seeing this, Sully had had no choice but to turn his head away as a wide, but shy grin spread across his face, he seen wheelchairs in the orphanage where he'd been place after his mother's death and had known that blankets often got caught in them. He also had known that because Michaela needed a blanket to protect her sore knee from the elements, he would have to carry her, bur he had understood that order for Michaela not to think that he was pushing her into an uncomfortable situation, she would have to understand the difficulty with wheelchairs and taking a stroll for herself.

After several tries at pushing the cumbersome chair with the blanket on her lap under her own power, she had turned to Sully with a slightly agitated look on her face and said, "You knew this wouldn't work didn't you?"

Sully brow had creased with worry at the amount of anger on Michaela's face and for a moment he regretted his joking attempt to prove that he had to carry her. What did it matter who was right and who was wrong? Why hadn't he just told her about the blanket problem, or better still why hadn't he just told her that he wanted to carry her? Coming around the front of the chair and kneeling before her, he had admitted softly, "Yeah I did, but I thought you'd want to see the problem for yourself, so you'd know I wasn't takin' advantage of ya and wouldn't feel like ya had to pull away from me again."

"Thank you Sully", she had said gently. "I appreciate the way you wanted to prove to me that you weren't trying to cross some sort of line and letting me learn the lesson on my own, she had said smiling. "… Much like the time you let me fall off the horse at the homestead so I would learn to get on and off on my own" Then turning serious again she paused before hesistantly adding, "But Sully…"

"Yeah?" he had anticipated, wondering how this lighthearted attempt at a joke had prompted his wife to say so much about so many things in so few words.

We're marri…older and wiser now and if you know that there's something I should know, just tell me, communicate with me please, ", she had said pleadingly, unaware of how much she was revealing about the secrets she hid or what she truly wanted."

"Ok", he had said lovingly, "But you gotta promise to tell me things too Michaela, we haveta start talkin' again, and this time we gotta be sure to say what we feel when we feel it. I know I hurt ya, but you gotta believe me, I never meant to stay away that long. Like Katie said for me, my heart was confused and I was afraid of facing the reality that you didn't love me so I stayed away believin' that as long as I was gone, we'd still be married ", he had said solemnly and contritely.

"Oh Sully", she had said choking up with tears. "I'm scared".

"I know ya are", he had said softly " I am too, I gotta a lot of things to explain and make up for…"

She had spoken hesitantly , "As do I.. perhaps too much."

Sully had swallowed the lump of fear that had instantly materialized in his throat at her words and urged, "Let's just take it one step at a time."

Michaela had nodded, too afraid that her voice would betray her uncertainty.

Seeing her need for reassurance, he had smiled and patted her hand as it picked nervously at her skirt, "Good, now that that's decided, I think I know where to start."

"Where?", Michaela asked, smiling shyly.

By me takin' the lady I'm courting out for a stroll in my arms, Sully said with a soft smile that had shown Michaela just how much he still loved her. That is if she still wants ta go?"

Michaela had given him a blushing smile and nodded, Taking her cue, Sully had scooped her up gently and held her close to his chest, bending so that she could reach the blanket that still remained on the floor from her last attempt at using the wheelchair, then straightening up and carrying her out the door.

Now as she lay nestled in Sully's arms just a few blocks from the park, thinking about all they had said, she felt overwhelmed by his closeness, her husband had opened her heart again with his gentle assurances that all would fall into place again, but her recollections had increased her nervousness for her heart now felt like it wanted to trust the love which cradled her while her head urged caution and a warrior like reserve. She didn't know how to feel and the uncertainty was getting to be too much. Fearing she would suffer yet another panic attacks, she forcibly tried to calm herself while trying to hide her discomfort from Sully.

Sully felt her body tensing fearfully against him though and knew he had to keep her mind off of the unresolved issues between them for a while. Smiling and trying to put that smile into his voice, he said, "Colleen's done a great job at the clinic for ya, She's a real talented doctor and a real caring one too, just like her ma" Sully felt Michaela's body tense to a breaking point and then relax completely and he released a large breath that he hadn't realized he was holding.

Michaela had hung on to her composure and she thanked God for not letting her break down in front of Sully over how much she missed their older children. As they entered the park and neared the bench that she supposed they would sit on, she tried to keep up Sully's touch and words from making her dissolve into loving and regretful tears and she carefully spoke. "I miss her so much, I know she's not a little girl anymore, but I want to hold her and tell how sorry I am…I feel so awful… I…"Her carefully constructed damn of emotions broke and she burst into tears, trying to fight her bodies urge to cuddle against Sully in her pain, knowing it wasn't fair him if he felt compelled to stay because she was saddened.

Seeing her tears, but feeling her attempts to distance herself from him, he sought to make her both comfortable and more able to talk to him by placing her on the bench that they now stood in front of. Gently, he set her down and sat beside her, turning to look in her eyes as he spoke, "She's angry at us both Michaela, she won't even speak to me, but I did catch her lookin' at the family photos in the clinic when I went by that week after you left. She misses her ma."

Michaela smiled bitter sweetly," Thank you Sully"

"Ain't said nothing but the truth.", he rejoined tenderly, reaching out to touch her hand and lace her fingers with hers. He knew it was a risk, but the moment felt right and he took the chance. Holding his breath for a moment, he waited for her to pull back, but when she instead squeezed his hand tighter and raised her eyes and kept his gaze, he felt like floating.

Michaela saw his expression and lightly laughed before, asking seriously, "Sully, how were the boys after I left?"

Sully's expression saddened as he related that Matthew and Brian seemed be taking the divorce hardest of all their children. He reported to Michaela that Matthew had avoided him even to the point of going inside when Sully was in town and that Brian had been virtually silent until the night before Sully left when he approached his father to say the missed his ma and a tear had trickled down his check before he climbed the stairs to his room again.

Michaela shivered at the word divorce and her heart broke for her sons, she hadn't done the right thing in leaving Colorado Springs or her children. Even though they were adults, it certainly looked as though they needed their mother and if she was honest with herself, her heart hadn't been the same since she had left them either. Tears that had stopped moments before now began anew.

Sully squeezed the hand still clasped in his own for support, before gently whispering, " Saw ya shiver, we best get ya home."

"No, Sully I'm fine, really…" Michaela whispered, still lightly crying.

Sully just shook his head and said, "We'll get through this Michaela, I promise."

Sensing that he was about to lift her into his arms Michaela tensed a bit, her head willing her heart to keep from shouting," I love you" at the its lungs.

But Sully wasn't thinking about picking Michaela up just yet, instead he was trying calm his racing heart as he called for her attention, "Michaela…"

Startled at the intensity of his voice, she looked into his nervous eyes and questioned," Yes?"

"I. …would you..." he stuttered.

Terrified that he would propose, she could barely squeak out, "Go on…"

Like to have dinner next week?", he managed, his voice strained with intense fear.

Michaela was so relieved that she immediately laughed and continued giggling nervously for several moments until she realized that Sully was staring dejectedly back at her, thinking that that she was laughing at his proposal of sorts. Quickly sobering, she smiled and squeezed the now sweaty hand that had never pulled out of her own, "I'd like that very much."

It took Sully a moment to register her words, but as their meaning reached his heart, his face broke into a wide grin and he lifted Michaela in his arms and twirled with her once before carrying her out of the park, their joint laughter in his ears.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39

Michaela's knee took a little longer to heal than expected and because she wanted to be able to dance when they went out, a month passed before Michaela and Sully stood outside of a familiar restaurant. Sully was gently holding Michaela's hand, a gesture that she had become comfortable with over time, but which still worried her as she wasn't sure how much such a gesture meant to Sully and what it said to him about the love she had for him. She knew that Sully understood she loved him and she's almost been able to say it the last time he had, just the night before when they had been on a carriage ride through the streets of Boston. He'd leaned over and whispered it into to her ear as they rode along, careful not to attract the driver's notice. The way he'd said it had made her heart leap, but she couldn't say it back and she'd seen the look in Sully's eyes when she'd remained silent, though she knew he'd taken comfort in the fact that she hadn't released his hand from her own.

Lately they had spent so much time together playing with the children and exploring Boston that Sully almost forgot at times that they were divorced. It was especially difficult to remember such things when Michaela got emotional about missing the older children or when Katie begged to see her aunt Dorothy again, but it was precisely at these times that Michaela would turn white and back away from him, reminding him just how far they would have to come in order for her to be able to return with him to Colorado.

Now as they entered the restaurant, Sully took in his former wife as if for the first time. She was wearing an elegant blue gown and her hair was down in the way that he liked it. He had no doubt that she had dressed for him, though it humbled him to think that he still had that much pull on her heart. He had heard Rebecca, Michaela, and Katie discussing what she should wear hours before the planned dinner date and because he had known just how much care his wife had put into her dress, he had taken care to look his best for her, wearing a suit that tied him in a knot, but which shaped his figure well.

As they were seated at the same table that they had shared years before, Sully felt the same embarrassment and fear creep into his cheeks. What if he forgot which fork to use or in which manner to eat a certain dish? His throat went dry and he tried to recall all that his children had taught him so very long ago. He wished that they were here now to coach him, to reassure him, and also to care take of their Ma, for Sully knew that as much as Michaela seemed to be getting better, especially around the twins, him, and Katie, his former wife missed the older children terribly and that their walk in park had only increased her guilt over being away from them.

As she picked daintily at her escargot, he smiled sheepishly as he choked down his own. He wanted Michaela to see that yet again he was willing to eat the dish if it pleased her and that he would do so with a smile if it brought a smile to her own face. Michaela laughed softly at her husband's expression and smiled back into his blue eyes. In weeks, she had gone from giggling nervously around him to laughing along with him again and Sully's heart felt good knowing that she felt comfortable enough with him to laugh now, not just with her voice, but with her heart and soul as well.

All through dinner Sully caught Michaela looking at him with a look that in the later days of their relationship together had always meant that she desired to be with him, either in the sexual sense or merely to be held, kissed, or cuddled by him. Sully, however, was cautious about responding to such a look this time as he wasn't even sure Michaela knew she was exuding it and he wanted to be kind to her during this timid period.

They hadn't kissed since his arrival in Boston, not even on the cheek or hand. He had kissed her forehead weeks ago when she was scared of holding the twins, but that hadn't been a romantic gesture, just a friendly reassurance. Sully wanted his former wife to take it slow and to learn that he loved her through the experiences they had with one another, whether it was reading a bedtime story to the children, an activity that had become routine over the two weeks, or walking through the botanical gardens. They had spent this time in Boston, reacquainting themselves with one another and ostensibly falling in love all over again.

Even Katie had noticed the reappearance of the love for each other that her mama and papa had once had for each other. Last night before she'd gone to bed, he remembered that she had said, "Papa, kiss Mama?" A question that had made both parents blush furiously, but had prompted Sully to begin thinking about whether Michaela could possibly be ready for such a step. Katie had also mentioned on several occasions that Mama and Papa should tell each other that they loved each other before they went to bed in their separate rooms because she reasoned that Mamas and Papas should tell each other that just as much as they tell their children,

For the first few weeks Michaela and Sully had been courting, Michaela had more often then not, firmly reminded Katie that divorced people didn't say 'I love you' to each other, but those admonishments had all but vanished now and Sully wasn't sure what that meant for the future.

Michaela continued to stare at her husband all through their main course as well. She couldn't help it. Her heart was beginning to take wing again and although she heeded its caution because of all that had happened before, she couldn't help but blush when Sully came near and want him to hold her close when they were reading to the children or wish that he had pulled her close as they walked amid the flowers in the botanical gardens days ago.

As the after dinner music began to waft through the restaurant, Sully tried to summon the courage to ask his wife to dance. Slowly he stood and in a moment reminiscent of their first dance years ago, he silently bade her to take his hand and led her onto the dance floor. She was about to accept, when suddenly, he stopped his movements and left her on the edge of the expanse, quickly going to the orchestra and whispering something in the conductor's ear. As the band finished their song Sully returned to Michaela and took her hand, and though she was bewildered by his actions, she somehow felt that she could trust his proceedings now.

As the band began to play a new tune, Michaela instantly recognized it as something she had long heard in her heart. It was the same waltz they had danced to that night in Boston when their hearts were nearly ready to confess their love for one another for the first time. As Sully led Michaela around the dance floor with the grace of an expert, she felt tears come to her eyes and she knew the moment had come.

Gently stopping her own movement, she cued Sully to do the same. For a moment they just stood there, Michaela too frozen, too nervous, too timid, and too hurt to make the next move. Sully, sensing what she wanted, touched her forehead to his own and whispered, "I love you." An agonizing pause followed as Michaela debated whether she could really trust his words. Knowing she was nervous and knowing that after all that had happened, she would need some coaxing to confess what he knew her heart wanted to say, he stroked the back of her still clasped hand with his own, waiting until he could see her breathing calm and her shoulders square and relax. When they did, he let his own body release the tension that pervaded its muscles as well. However, the calm between only lasted a few seconds because Sully's heart leapt into his throat as she broke the silence by softly and almost inaudibly, whispering, "I love you," back to him before leaning forward to rest her head on his shoulder.

For a moment, he let her lie there, fearful that if he moved too quickly, she would take it back. Then slowly, he drew her upright again, gently stroking her face with his hands as they framed her chin and drew her closer. Though Michaela cared about Boston society and the cost of such public displays of affection, she knew she needed to be kissed by the one man she truly loved. And so, as Sully's lips gently fell upon hers in a sweet and lasting kiss, she closed her eyes and tried to banish all other thoughts. It didn't work. Though she wanted nothing more than to enjoy her husband's lips on her own, darker memories surfaced at the gesture and it was all she could do to pray the kiss would end and the other man's face would disappear.

As Sully pulled away he noticed the tears in her eyes and while wiping them away with his thumbs, he leaned forward to rest his forehead on hers again before softly whispering, "Nemehotatse, I am sorry."

Michaela basked in the glow of his words for only moments before her stomach churned against her will and she had to run from the restaurant, a bewildered Sully at her heels.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

_Thanks, Corinna _


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40

Sully raced after Michaela as she ran down several streets of Boston. The street lamps didn't provide much light this late at night during the winter months and Sully was thankful for his years scouring the woods as he tried to follow his distraught ex-wife. As Sully continued down the never-ending streets, he pondered what he could have done to make her react so viscerally to his kiss. Could she have regretted saying she loved him? Was she unprepared for the kiss? Had it been too deep and intrusive? He shook his head, none of those explanations seemed to fit with the hesitant but deep love he had felt radiating from Michaela on the dance floor.

Catching up to her at last, he slowed his pace a little and decided that he would wait a moment before calling to her, so as not to startle her further. He could see, as he looked quickly over at her, face that she had been crying and that she looked as if she were going to be sick. Worried, he gently called for her attention, "Michaela?" She slowly turned to him, looking into his eyes with her wide and fearful ones, trying to find the strength to swallow her fear and either tell him why she had run or calm herself enough to brush it off and pretend that nothing had happened. She knew though that Sully had a right to know why she had ended their close moment so abruptly seconds after she had told him she loved him and he had kissed her. Knowing him as she once felt she had, and knowing their present tentative relationship, she was almost certain that he would be thinking that she didn't appreciate his advances and she had to make sure that he knew that that wasn't the case at all. She had wanted him to kiss her, despite her fear that if she allowed him into her heart again, she was most certainly going to get hurt. There was still a piece of her that held onto the hope that she could trust him, and that part of herself wanted his lips on hers and her heart connected to his for all eternity.

But the moment his lips had touched her expectant ones, the memory of the last kiss she had endured had flooded her mind, and the feel of Mr. Gregory's lips crushing hers and his rough hands along her body had snaked from her memory, overpowering Sully's gentle and loving embrace. She hadn't been able to help her reaction as her body began to fight against the moment and the pain that she had never shared with her husband. She would have to tell him what had happened, and she wanted to do it quickly before she lost her nerve and the evening dissolved into a silent standoff between them, or, even worse, a round of nervous fighting. As she opened her mouth to speak though, all she could manage to whisper was, "Hold me," words that surprised both she and Sully with the depth of their honest need and vulnerability. As he pulled her against his chest, she took a deep breath intending to begin her tale, but as she formed the first few words, she felt her stomach lurch, the nausea from earlier returning with surprising force. Without being able to stop herself, she became sick, the vomit covering her dress and Sully's shirt.

Sully took a step back, his eyes wide in surprise and concern. For a moment, he was too stunned to speak, and then he became unsure of what exactly to say. Michaela's expression mirrored his own, but was laced with a deep shame, characteristic of Michaela's tendency to be hard on herself, intertwined with the mysterious self-hatred that had been her companion since his return. It was perhaps this reaction that prompted him to pull her against him despite the mess. He thought she needed it and was proven right when he heard a plaintive and emotionally distraught, "Sully" escape her lips. He held her that much tighter when the pain in her cry registered in his heart. It had been so long since she had willingly sought out his comfort, without coercion or the effects of mental instability. He was momentarily tempted to embrace her forever, but his need to protect her and make her comfortable overpowered his desires for a close moment. He stepped back just enough to look in her eyes as he said, "I'm here and I'm not leaving, but let's get ya cleaned up and warm."

Michaela stepped slightly away from him and gasped, realizing that her need to be held had caused there to now be vomit in her hair as well. She knew Sully was right, they had to get cleaned up, but she had no idea where they could go. They couldn't go back to Rebecca's, the family would ask too many questions; queries she didn't have the strength to answer. She looked to her husband for a way out of the awkward situation, despite knowing that by continuing the evening, she would have to tell him what had caused her reaction and illness, something she wasn't sure she had the words for. She, however, nodded in consent to his statement and whispered, "Where can we go?"

Sully pondered this for a moment. He didn't honestly know where they should go. He wasn't familiar with any of the establishments in the area besides the restaurant, and he knew that they couldn't return there in their present condition. Slowly it dawned on him that the best place for them to go would be a hotel, but he cringed as he thought about mentioning the idea to Michaela. Michaela noticed his expression and gently pressed him, "What is it Sully?" Sully's chest tightened into a knot tighter than the one it had been in when he'd asked her to marry him, as he stated in a voice that belied some of his fear," I think we should go to a hotel..." hastily he continued so that she wouldn't get the wrong idea. "... Only because they have a bath for ya and…"

Sully was stopped mid explanation by a hesitant nod from Michaela who understood her husband's nervousness and wanted to spare him the pain of defending an uncomfortable, but practical idea. Quietly, she told him, "There's a rather new hotel, two blocks away, although I don't know how much money we have."

"Don't worry about the money", Sully said gently. "I withdrew all the money I had saved away for our anniversary and your birthday before I took the train here. I figured since we didn't get to use it then..." He stopped when he saw a flash of pain cross her face, a discussion of what had truly happened between them would have to wait, he could tell something was already hurting her and he wanted to help her heal, not cause her anymore pain.

Michaela swallowed hard and nodded her head once more before silently pointing in the direction of the hotel. As they walked, the pair kept a small distance between them with Michaela leading the way. Every so often, Michaela would glance at him in concern as if to make sure he hadn't left her. Seeing the worry in her eyes, he would match stride with her for a time, reassuring her of his presence. When they reached the hotel, Sully held the door open for Michaela and then held his arm out for her, knowing that, in their present state, Michaela would be embarrassed to be seen and he wanted her to know that she wasn't alone.

Michaela hesitantly took Sully's arm as she tried to avoid the stares of two disapproving hotel guests. She was embarrassed enough at her appearance, she didn't need the quizzical looks that impolitely inquired as to the state of her and Sully's relationship as well. A small part of her was also relishing his touch and the feeling of calm it gave her. She would need to remember that feeling if she was ever going to be able to go to her room, get cleaned up and then go home and talk to Sully about what had happened. For now, though, she would at least have her own hotel room to prepare herself in. There she could figure out how to explain whom Mr. Gregory was and what he had done in a way that would hopefully not make Sully angry with her.

The pair approached the front desk and watched as the desk clerk looked at them and sighed disgustedly. He was barely polite as he looked them up and down and inquired, "Can I help you?" "Yes please," Michaela responded, the confidence and fire of old in her voice, as she perceived the young man's opinion of them. "We'll need two rooms." The young clerk was startled and a little frightened by the strength in the disheveled woman's voice and was made even more uncomfortable by the piecing blue gaze of the man who gently and protectively held the woman's arm. They looked to be a formidable couple and the young man feared upsetting them as he said in much more respectful tone. "I'm sorry ma'am, but we only have one vacancy." Michaela's face paled momentarily, but she forced herself to recover as she turned to look Sully in the eye. She knew that he would never do anything improper, but she wanted to ask his permission before putting him in what could be a very emotionally painful situation. They hadn't shared space in the same room since the night the twins were born and she wasn't comfortable with the thought of it now, even if they had admitted their love for one another. Sully felt his heart in his throat as he met his ex wife's gaze. He wasn't quite prepared to spend the night in a room alone with her. He knew he loved her, but they still had a long way to go if they were to be the couple they once were. He however gave his assent knowing that they should clean up and that they had to talk.

Turning back to the clerk, Michaela tried to muster the sense of control that she had possessed moments ago, but it was gone and in its place was a sense of apprehension that seemed to cut off the air supply to her lungs. When she could finally breathe again, her voice came out in a squeak, "We'll take it." The clerk watched, as the man gazed at the woman whom he had thought was the older man's wife and pondered their relationship. The young man hadn't expected the woman to be so frightened at the idea of the hotel having one room; he had thought that the couple was attempting to reserve the second room for a friend. Trying to keep his questions out of his tone, he accepted the money that the older man was holding out and replied, "Very well, room 520, up the stairs and to your left."

Sully took Michaela's hand and tentatively interlaced his fingers with hers in an attempt to boost both of their confidence as they ascended the stairs. Tonight had been a difficult night for them both and, though he knew that they needed to change their clothes, he worried that having to share a room together would only serve to make Michaela more uncomfortable and perhaps even ill again. By the time they reached the room, Michaela knew that her palm was sweating profusely against her husbands and her cheeks reddened even further in embarrassment. When she had thrown up, her face has been covered in a blush that she feared would never end, but, at the thought of spending a night in a hotel room with her husband, her cheeks felt as though they would burn her soul with their heat. As Sully put the key in the lock and turned it, she contemplated her choices, she could merely ask to clean her clothes and leave or she could stay and face Sully's questions about what had happened, at the restaurant, in their marriage ...with Charles Gregory.

When Sully stepped into the room, he turned and held the door ajar for Michaela, who seemed to be deciding whether to enter at all. Slowly, he reached once again for the hand he had had to drop when opening the door, and when she didn't pull away, he sighed with relief and guided her towards him and into their lodgings. As she moved to stand in front of him, she made sure there was a respectable distance between them, ever conscious of their situation and their strained but tentatively healing bond. Then, taking a deep breath she said quietly, "I don't have anything to change into."

Sully looked into his ex-wife's worried and scared eyes with a wide eyed expression that told her he had not thought of the reality that they had no change of clothes and that he had no idea how to rectify the situation either. Sensing that she expected some sort of response from him however, he gently squeezed her hand and said, "I'll go get ya a dress if you tell me where I can find one this late..."

"Thank you very much Sully, it was kind of you to offer, but the hour is too late for any shops to be open and…." Her eyes filled with embarrassed tears and she stopped speaking, overwhelmed by what had happened and the feelings that had surrounded each aspect of the night.

"And what Michaela? Please talk to me," Sully pleaded, his voice breaking through her emotional wall.

"And, I'm scared," Michaela whispered through her tears, arms crossed in front of her waist as if someone was trying to hurt her.

"Scared of what... me?" Sully prodded gently, afraid of the answer, but knowing that he needed to know what had had Michaela in its terrifying grip since he had first encountered her in the woods before the twins birth, even if that something was himself.

"No... no…not really...you only scare me because you could decide to leave again if I tell you this," Michaela whispered, her vulnerability cracking her voice.

"Michaela I told you I would never leave you again for anything," he reminded her gently. He didn't care if he had to remind her of that every hour of every day for the rest of her life. If that was his punishment for what he had done, he felt he had gotten off easy.

Michaela spoke as if she hadn't heard him though, "I didn't know if he was right, but after awhile I became so despondent that it seemed as logical a reason as any for you leaving." Her voice was strong, but inside she quaked with the fear that Sully wouldn't understand and that she didn't have the strength to make him.

"My leaving was dumbest thing I've ever done and there was no reason for it. Whatever this man said to ya Michaela, he was wrong. Please know that... and tell me his name so that I can tell him that too, please…" Sully knew he was begging but something in his wife's tone told him that something was wrong and that the man hadn't merely made a casual remark...His heart began to pound as he observed the anguish on Michaela's face deepen, and he had to literally clasp his hands together to keep himself from pulling her into his arms

Michaela caught the look in her husband's eyes and tried to steady herself before telling him what had happened, knowing that she would need strength to face both her husband's anger and her own self loathing. "Charles Gregory, the owner of the new bank in town, started trying to court me about three months after you left...I didn't want his attention. I was in love with you... heartbroken that you had left...pregnant with your children... all I wanted was you, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He started asking me to dinner and even after I told him that his invitations weren't welcome, he would ask Colleen, Matthew or Dorothy to persuade me to allow him an evening of my company..." Michaela was talking so quickly and in a voice so thick with unshed tears that the last words had come out as a strangled whisper. Sully's heart had pounded ever harder throughout the progression if her account and he feared what she would tell him next, but he knew that she needed to tell him to heal. Sully could also see however that Michaela was going to hyperventilate again from the stress if he didn't coach her to take it more slowly. Knowing that touching her at that moment might frighten her, he looked into her eyes and gently reminded her, "deep breath, Michaela, I'm right here." Michaela did as she was asked, but found that inhaling only made things worse. Holding her breath had allowed her to keep from crying and now she was sobbing so hard that she couldn't talk.

Sully desperately wanted to hold her as he realized that telling her to relax had made her cry, but his shirt was still soiled with her vomit and he didn't want to get it in her hair anymore than they already had. He had briefly thought about taking off his shirt and holding her against his chest, but something told him that close contact of that sort was not going to help her feel any more safe from her memories, and so he merely locked eyes with her as she cried, hoping his expression conveyed his love for her as well as any hold would.

Michaela looked into her husband's eyes as tears made never ending tracks down her face and saw that her misery was reflected in the eyes of her soul mate. He was begging her to tell him what was hurting her and she realized then that telling him would help him heal too, help him to understand why some of the things in her world were shattered, why she had felt the need to shatter his and why they both now needed each other to get through it all.

After a moment more, she regained enough control to continue, "The day the twins were born, he approached me one last time and asked me for dinner," she choked back a sob as she added, "He was the man you thought fathered the twins. When I refused his advances and shrugged off his touch yet again, telling him I loved you and only you, he told me you left because I wanted to be intimate too often and that I was a whore."

"Oh God, Michaela," Sully breathed heavily and painfully as she sobbed harder.

"Usually I don't let words get to me Sully, but that time I couldn't fight it any longer. I kept thinking that maybe he had had seen something I hadn't. Maybe I hadn't been the wife I should have been, that you left because I was..."

"No, Michaela no," Sully stated emphatically. Your being with me was always more than I could ever hope for. You are...were the best wife, lover, and heartsong any man could ever ask for, especially this man. ..."

Michaela interrupted him with her own train of thought and spoke as though he hadn't said a word. "That was why I behaved so irrationally at the homestead the night after the twins were born. I just couldn't bear you thinking I was improper and I wanted you to admit that you didn't love me because of my behavior. I wanted to find a reason, Sully, and his seemed to fit with how truly terrible I believed I was. Michaela tried her best to explain what had once seemed to be rational thinking to her husband, but, as more tears flowed down her checks, she realized that nothing about this seemed rational anymore. All she wanted was for this to go away and to be able to avoid, having to tell Sully the last piece of the story, but steeling herself for his reaction, she forged ahead, hoping he wouldn't interrupt her with his reassurances because she knew that they would only make matters worse. Right now, she just had to tell him.

So taking a deep breath, Michaela began once more, "Do you remember the afternoon you came running into the clinic after Katie told Mathew and Loren that I was hurt? You see," she said, not waiting for him to answer her question, "Katie, myself, and the twins were stopped by Mr. Gregory while we were getting out of the wagon. He told Katie she didn't know who her father was and then told me that..." She began sobbing in earnest again as she continued, "He told me he would show me what a real man felt like. Then he made me leave the twins and Katie outside while he pulled me into the clinic, pushed me up against the wall and kissed me." Michaela was barely intelligible now, as she then recounted the most intimate and horrible details of the encounter. "He grabbed my breasts and pushed himself against me, trying to hurt me while, at the same time... trying to rape me."

Sully's heart lurched then smashed painfully against his ribs as he tried to absorb what his ex-wife was telling him. A man had tried to rape her and, worse than that, Sully had not been around to protect her from the man's attentions or attack. Even more heinous was the fact that Sully knew that he had been in town the day his ex-wife was attacked, but that he had purposely avoided being with her because he hadn't been able to figure out a way to make her forgive him. He had been a coward, and had even added to his wife's pain by insinuating that the man who would be his wife's attempted rapist was the father of the twins. He had further worn down the psyche that Gregory had tried to weaken and made it easier for the banker to try to rape his wife in more ways than one. He did not know what to say now; nothing seemed to be an adequate antidote for Michaela's wounds. Nothing seemed to sound loving or respectful enough to grace the discourse they needed to have. He again thought about holding her, but just as before, the thought terrified him, not because he was uncomfortable with being close to her, but because he did not want to be anymore than she wanted right now. He wanted to give her everything and if giving her everything meant giving her nothing, he would abide by that, no matter how much he felt the need to use other means by which to confront her. He did, however, despite his attention to be attentive to her desires, need to say something, just a few words to express the agony that he felt at her revelation and the utter helplessness that was consuming him as he contemplated her words over and over in his head. The only thing that came to mind, however, seemed trite and far too simplistic for the situation, but he felt compelled to utter it anyway, as though these words would somehow bring a confront beyond their meaning alone. Taking a deep breath, he whispered lovingly, "Oh. 'Chaela."

For a moment, her eyes merely bored into his as she registered and processed the emotions behind his utterance. Then, she slowly reached out a shaking hand across the distance between them and grasped his hand tightly with her own. Not a word was said between them as each sat across from one another, holding hands. After awhile, she began sobbing and he squeezed her hand tighter. Neither moved nor spoke throughout the night.

* * *

_This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or__ be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: __http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949_

Thanks also to those who supported and contacted me about SBM:) It will continue!  


_Thanks, Corinna_


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